


never bloom again.

by were_just_the_noise_boys



Category: All Time Low (Band), Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, And also a really good bro., Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mikey is Awsten's art teacher, Multi, Polyamory, Romantic Soulmates, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, awsten doesn't think he deserves love, awsten whump, but they're having none of it, endgame polyparx, everyone's queer and there's nothing you can do about it., polyparx, so he doesn't try to find his soulmate(s), this ain't a light read
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2020-12-16 06:57:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 54,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21032117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/were_just_the_noise_boys/pseuds/were_just_the_noise_boys
Summary: Awsten Knight is convinced that he is undeserving of love. He knows that his soulmates are out there, but surely they’d never want damaged goods like him. His life has not been a happy one, and he is slowly self destructing.Otto and Geoff know that their soulmate is hurting. There have been bruises and scratches covering their bodies for as long as they can remember. But for whatever reason, they won’t reveal themselves to Geoff and Otto, who met in sophomore year. It’s a dark one, but the ending is happy, i promise.





	1. Devil Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so my name is Alex (he/him pronouns), and this is my 2019 NaNoWriMo project. I'm going to try to stay on top of updates and meet wordcount every day, but I can't promise anything because I'm a hot mess with executive functioning issues.
> 
> This story covers some pretty serious shit, and I'm writing from MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. I've struggled with depression, suicidal ideation/attempts, an eating disorder, an abusive household (although not to the extent that awsten does in this story), and self-worth issues for my whole life.
> 
> WARNINGS:  
physical self-harm (cutting, burning)  
emotional self harm  
suicidal thoughts  
suicide attempt  
child abuse (verbal and physical)  
gaslighting  
eating disorders  
alcohol abuse (not that much tho)  
non-explicit sexual assault/rape (by an oc, not any of the main characters)  
maybe some smut? idk yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *deep sigh* okay. so it begins. idk if y'all prefer trigger warnings in the beginning notes or the end notes, send me feedback. for today, i'll put them here. also, i couldn't figure out what Awsten and Gracie's age gap is, so i'm calling it seven years.
> 
> also, i'd just like to establish right off the bat that, in this au, it's pretty common knowledge that the universe doesn't place soulmates too far apart, which means that most people have met their soulmates by the time they're fifteen or sixteen.
> 
> not using Awsten's actual dad's name is intentional, i'm not out here trying to villainize his real parents. 
> 
> i took the title from the Cavetown song of the same name, i would recommend listening to it.   
TRIGGER WARNINGS  
-parental abuse  
-parental neglect

Awsten Constantine Knight was nine years old when his life fell apart. It was January, and his birthday was in three days. His party was going to be dinosaur themed, with green balloons and the stegosaurus themed cake they had ordered from Albertsons. Him and Alex and Jawn were going to watch Jurassic Park.

He didn’t understand what his mom meant when she said that she “couldn’t do it anymore,” and “you need to take the kids, Henry.” All he knew was that his dad was crying. His dad was crying, his mom was walking out the door with an overflowing suitcase, Gracie was screaming, and he had never felt more overwhelmed or confused in his life.

And when he turned to his dad, tears of vague panic threatening to brim over his lash line and mouth opening to plead for reassurance, he heard the sharp slap to the face before he felt it. Awsten was already flinging himself down the hall by the time he heard his father say “go to your room,” voice empty like he’d never heard it before, pausing only to scoop Gracie into his arms as he fled.

Awsten had never liked the lock on his door. At night, when the toys on his floor and the coats in his closet turned into shadowy figures, he couldn’t sleep for the thought of the monsters strangling him so death, locking the door so his parents couldn’t save him. He’d begged his father to get him a new doorknob, one without a lock, more times than he could count, but he always insisted that Awsten would appreciate it when he got a little older. So maybe his dad was right about that. But he had always imagined that ‘older’ would mean twelve or thirteen. Not nine years and three hundred and sixty two days old.

He felt numb as he carefully set his sister on the bed, before fumbling with the previously despised mechanism on his doorknob. Gracie had stopped screaming, but Awsten could still see tears racing down her cheeks and her chin quivering when he turned to face her again. She looked even smaller than he felt, her red footie pajamas a stark contrast against his pale blue and star spangled bedspread. Her wispy yellow was escaping from her loose ponytail, the beginnings of knots forming at the crown of her head.

Awsten sighed before making his way to his dresser, pulling the top drawer open in a calm way that it hadn’t seen since he was old enough to reach it. He didn’t register the gentle thwip-thwip-thwip of the hairbrush in his hand as he idly stroked the bristles with his thumb, dropping heavily onto the bed beside his sister. Awsten wasn’t crying anymore, and he could feel the unwiped tear tracks drying stickily on his face. He didn’t like it.

“It’s okay, Gracie,” he comforted softly, his voice calm in a way that he wouldn’t have anticipated. His sister looked up at him, eyes glistening.  
“Where’s mommy going?” she asked, her words wobbling dangerously.  
“I don’t..” he struggled, not having a good response for the question that he, too, was longing for an answer to. “I’m not sure.”  
“When will she be back??” Her voice lilted up a little in her distress. Something buried deep within Awsten told him that he needed to keep them quiet, needed to keep them safe. Still unable to conjure any sort of intelligible answer, he opted to pull her into his arms again. He didn’t admit it to himself, but it might have been just as much for his own comfort as it was for hers.  
“Shhhh,” he murmured into her hair, still slightly damp from her bath. She smelled like fresh laundry and tear free mango shampoo. He could feel her nose squished against the thin polyester shirt he was wearing, as well as the tears and snot slowly soaking through it. The part of him that would have been grossed out by it was somewhere completely out of the picture in that particular moment.

After a couple seconds of gentle shushing, he was abruptly jolted by the fact that he was imitating his mother. The way that she would pull them to her chest as they cried and softly shh until they had cried themselves out. And then she would make them either hot chocolate or herbal tea, depending on whether or not it was too close to bedtime for sugar. When Awsten thought about it, he realized that he couldn’t pinpoint the last time she had done that. He knew that it had happened, at one point, but the memory was hazy and scrambled, like it had been collaged from dozens of similar ones.

He must have been spacing out for longer than he thought in his unsettled quest to find a single memory to grasp onto, because when he looked down again, Gracie’s breathing had evened out. Every few breaths her chest still shuddered a bit, but at least they were evenly spaced out, albeit a little faster than could be considered normal. She wasn’t asleep, but she’d cried herself out, and her eyes were starting to flutter shut, every blink a bit longer than the last.

He held his breath as he carefully pulled himself out of her koala grip and settled himself behind her. There were tears dripping from Awsten’s chin again as he gently pulled his sister’s hair from it’s ragged ponytail. He didn’t bother wiping them away. Gracie couldn’t see his face while he was brushing her hair, anyways. The yellow strands became a silky curtain in the wake of the brush, and he carded his fingers through it a few times before looping the hair tie back around it.  
She was almost asleep as Awsten pulled the covers over both of them and flicked the lights off.

He didn’t even glance into his closet as pulled Gracie even closer to him. Tonight, the monsters were on the other side of his door.

___________________________________________

It was the first day of Awsten’s last year of middle school. He was almost out of that hellhole, and he had already decided that his goal for the year was to fly as under the radar as possible. He would wear inconspicuous clothes, he would get average grades, he wouldn’t raise his hand in class, and he would try his best not to make any more friends. He still had Jawn and Alex, of course, but they were really all that he needed in terms of friends. At least that’s what he told himself. And besides, the less people you get close to, the less chance that someone’s going to betray you. He’d learned that lesson in sixth grade after he told Bob about his father hitting him, and he told the teacher. Trust was nice, but it wasn’t something that someone like him could afford to have.

He sighed for what must have been the fifth time since he woke up as he glanced down at his bare torso. He didn’t really think that he would mind his dad beating him up nearly as much as he did if he didn’t know that all of the bruises were also appearing on his soulmate. Of course Awsten had a soulmate, everyone did. And even if they didn’t, Awsten had gotten occasional scuffs and bruises that he hadn’t put there since he was a little kid. He was actually starting to suspect that he had more than one. There were occasional injuries that seemed to overlap in a way, and a few months ago he’d started to get bite marks and hickies on his neck that DEFINITELY weren’t from anything that he was doing. He’d never even kissed anyone.  
While it wasn’t necessarily uncommon for kids to fool around with people who weren’t their soulmate until they found them, it was a definite unspoken social norm that you never go past kissing.

While he knew that all of the bruises and scrapes from smashed bottles weren’t actually HURTING his soulmates, but he still felt guilty. All that really happened with sopham* injuries is that you felt them hurt. Except it doesn’t ACTUALLY hurt, there’s just the definite feeling of pain, even if you yourself aren’t experiencing it. It was a bit tingly. And even if it wasn’t hurting them, he was still fucking up their physical appearance. He felt the worst when he would get a black eye, and he knew that there were at least two people walking around out there with purple and yellow faces because of him.

Awsten sighed yet again as he pulled a black sweater over his head, feeling the thick fabric pooling around his bony frame. He walked out of his room. He had to get Gracie ready for school, she was starting second grade today, and he had to make sure she got to school okay. It was a little infuriating how their dad was such a deadbeat that he couldn’t be bothered to sign her up for a school bus. But that’s the way it was, and Awsten had to walk her to school every day, or at least until she was old enough to get there herself. He’d been consistently late to school since Gracie had started kindergarten. But that was okay. As long as his sister was alright. That was all that mattered to Awsten.

He had managed to scrounge up enough money to get her a new backpack this year. It was purple, and had planets all over it. Gracie was thrilled. Awsten always managed to make enough money to keep her fed and clothed, but new things that weren’t strictly needed were few and far between for the two. He thanked whatever forces that may be out there for his sister’s school providing most of the school supplies that the kids would need.

His head spun a bit as he walked down the sidewalk, trying his best to pay attention to her constant chatter. That had been happening a lot lately.

It was going to be a long year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i hope that that wasn't too awful. please leave a comment, if you can, this task is a hard one and they keep me going.


	2. Gloom Boys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings for this chapter:  
-eating disorder mention  
-body dysmorphia  
-self-esteem issues
> 
> sorry for uploading this so late in the day, i had a long day
> 
> title from the Waterparks song of the same title

It took Awsten a second to figure out what had woken him. His head was resting against the hard surface of his desk, and his mouth was dry. Not that it ever wasn’t, these days. He swore under his breath as he sat up, registering the hustle and bustle of passing period around him. His eyes felt gross and sticky, and he cursed again. He only had this pair of contacts, and his prescription for them had ran out long ago. Not that he had the money for the copay, anyways, and that was assuming that his father had even bothered with health insurance this year. Which was not a given by any means. He needed to stop falling asleep with them in. 

He winced at the twinge in his neck as he reached for his battered knapsack on the floor. Falling asleep at his desk always fucked with his spine. It was too bad that that’s pretty much the only place he slept anymore. He glanced up at the clock. Second bell (first bell being what had stolen him from sleep) was in four minutes. It was Awsten’s lunch hour. Standing slowly, he used the moment of lightheadedness that always followed large movements to snap a quick picture of the notes on the board before his Algebra II teacher erased them for her next class. 

He stumbled a bit as he turned to leave, which wasn’t abnormal. What WAS abnormal, however, was the gentle, steadying hand suddenly firmly gripping his arm. Awsten flinched embarrassingly, unaccustomed to non violent physical contact. Looking up from the floor (where he had dropped his second hand textbook), he was met with the slightly concerned eyes of the kid who sat a few rows in front of him. He couldn’t remember his name. The only reason that Awsten could even identify him was his hair, which was curly and longer than most boys in the school. He had probably been trying to leave when Awsten had almost fallen on him. God, he was such a fuck up. Awsten flushed red, quickly training his eyes back on the gross classroom carpeting.

“You alright?” the boy asked asked. Awsten didn’t think he had ever actually heard him speak before. Actually, he was sure that he’d never heard him speak, because surely Awsten would have remembered the (not quite unpleasant) swooping feeling in his stomach at the sound.  
“Y-yeah,” Awsten muttered back, internally cringing at how his voice cracked. In his defense, he hadn’t used it since he had said goodbye to Gracie five hours earlier. The other boy hesitated before responding.  
“Alright,” he said, letting go of Awsten’s arm and taking a few steps away from him before pausing and turning back again. “Look, man, are you sure that you’re okay? You’re kinda pale, and you were sleeping all period. I can take you to the nurse if you think you should go home.”  
“N-no. That’s alright,” Awsten replied, trying as hard as he could to shove down the weird feeling in his chest.  
“Okay, well at least let me give you some crackers. You look hypoglycemic,” he said, unzipping his bag and reaching inside. Awsten balked a bit at the thought of food, but he didn’t want to offend the other. And who the hell says hypoglycemic? This kid was only, like, seventeen, and most definitely not a medical professional. The question must have been visible on face, because it got a response.  
“My parents are both nurses,” Mystery Boy (as Awsten had now internally dubbed him) explained with the air of someone who’d answered the same unasked question a thousand times. Ah. That explains it.  
“Oh.. that’s cool.” Awsten said unsurely. He didn’t like it when people tried to get him to eat, and he was suddenly eager to end this interaction. “You should get to your next period. It starts in two minutes.”  
Mystery Boy swore, whipping his head around to face the clock.  
“Oh, fuck, I have Mr. Bryar for fourth, he’ll give me detention if I'm late,” he rushed out, adjusting the backpack strap on his right shoulder. “Feel better!” he called over his shoulder, flying out of the classroom. Awsten didn’t know why he felt the little pang in his stomach that he did as he found himself alone in the classroom. ‘Caring is a disadvantage’ he firmly reminded himself as he slowly made his way out of the room. 

As emo as it was, Awsten shrunk back a little as he pushed the doors of the school open, sunlight assaulting his face. He shrugged his shoulders forward, making himself small, as he trudged to the bleachers next to the old playing field. Students weren’t technically supposed to be over here, not since the new playfield had opened on the other side of school. But it was where he and his friends sat at lunch, being the rebellious delinquents that they were. Mostly because Jack and Alex could smoke over here. The school had long since stopped checking for cigarette butts under the bleachers, basically giving up because of how resolutely they never went away. 

As he neared the bleachers, he was able to see that his Jawn and Jack were already there, probably because Awsten had spent so much time interacting with Mystery Boy. Who, by the way, was refusing to leave his head for some fucking reason. And, sure enough, a haze of smoke was alright hovering around Jack’s head, dissipating and reforming as he took pull after pull from the cancer-stick, like waves on a beach. Both of his friends were cross legged on the cement, in a small circular patch of relatively clean ground that was surrounded by broken glass, the ends of smoked joints and syringe caps. As he got close enough to the two others to hear what they were saying, he caught the word ‘Maxx’ and a lot of annoyingly drawn out syllables coming from Jawn. He was unsurprised. Everyone in the school probably knew how pissed Jawn was that his soulmate attended a different school at this point. Mostly because he talked about it ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME.

Awsten would never be caught saying it, but he actually didn’t mind Jawn’s constant whining about Maxx. He was thrilled that his best friend had someone in his life that was worth complaining about not being around. And he was happy that his other best friend, Alex, had found Jack. The two had been basically joined at the hip since they had met in freshman year. 

Despite how many times he told them that he really didn’t mind them talking about their soulmates when he was around, he was pretty sure that they had agreed on something without his input. They never brought up the topic around him, and when he walked into a conversation about it, the subject always changed within a minute. It had annoyed Awsten at first, but he didn’t really care anymore. He appreciated the gesture, anyway. It wasn’t their fault that Awsten’s soulmates hadn’t come into the picture yet. He supposed that it was actually his fault, in a way, at this point.

Awsten used to be absolutely in love with the idea of finding the person (or people) out there that were made just for him. How they would meet, and realize that they were always fated to be together, and fall in love instantly, and spend the rest of their lives happy together. How they would spend the rest of their lives happy. But as time went on, he was forced to come to terms with the fact that that kind of thing would never happen. Not to someone like him. And it shouldn’t. He couldn’t force all of his baggage and fucked-upness onto someone else. That would be selfish and cruel. And besides, there’s no one in their right mind that would want him. Even without the issues, he was ugly and fat and unfunny and a buzzkill and just a general burden. 

So, he’d stopped trying to find them. If he was being completely honest with himself, he was probably actively avoiding it. But his friends didn’t know that. They just thought that he was particularly unlucky in this area of his life, in addition to all the other areas. 

Awsten sat down gingerly on his backpack, the ground being too cold and hard for him to be able to sit on it for more than a few seconds before having to stand back up. Alex always said that it was because he, to quote the other, had ‘like, negative twelve percent body fat’. Awsten always uncomfortably changed the subject when Alex said something like that. And speak (or think) of the devil, the hyperactive boy suddenly came bounding over to the three. 

He threw himself onto the ground between Jack and Jawn so quickly that Awsten was surprised he didn’t give himself whiplash.  
“Hey, guys!! You will NEVER GUESS what Mikey did in second period, it was fucking wild, even for him, you g-” his rapid-fire rambling was cut off suddenly by Jack’s lips. The kiss wasn’t even two seconds, and had seemingly been a way to get Alex to shut up. But that didn’t stop Jawn from pretending to gag next to them.  
“Alex,” Jack said sternly (but he was clearly suppressing a smile) “what did your therapist say about matching the energy level of your environment?” Alex sighed.  
“Sorryy,” he apologized, dragging out the final syllable a bit. He shifted uncomfortably, fingers absentmindedly dragging up the moss growing in the cracks of the concrete, obviously having a bit of trouble calming down.  
“What did Mr. Way do?” Awsten asked, equal parts feeling bad for him and being legitimately curious. Mr. Way, the visual arts teacher, was a favorite among the more misfit students. He insisted that his pupils call him Mikey or Michael, and always seemed to take certain kids under his wing if he saw them struggling. Awsten had him for sixth.

He sighed as Alex launched excitedly into some story involving papier-mache and a blowtorch, resting his head lightly against Jawn’s shoulder. The dyed redhead put his arm around him, knowing how tired and touch-starved his friend was. Awsten allowed his eyes to flutter shut to the sound of chattering and occasional chuckling. He knew that he would be woken up before fifth period. He was certain that he was safe here, around his friends, even if he wasn’t safe anywhere else. Here, he could rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much to everyone who commented on the last chapter, i felt legitimately so loved and validated. i hope that you enjoyed this one, too, and that it was at least a little bit intelligible.


	3. Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, day three, here we go.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS:  
-parental abuse  
-bullying mention  
-allusion to rape/sexual assault  
-self harm (pretty graphic)
> 
> title from the My Chemical Romance song of the same name

Awsten was ready to stop existing when the final bell rang, almost drowned out by the sounds of twenty eight senior art students shoving things into their bags and thundering towards the door. His body and mind felt clumsy and sluggish as he picked his backpack up from where it was under his desk, like there was a split second lag between him and reality. On one hand, the school day was over. Assuming that he managed to slip out of the building unseen, that would mean he didn’t even get shoved into a locker or anything today, which wasn’t something to be scoffed at when you were Awsten. But, on the other hand, his (very few) friends were all busy today, which meant he had to go straight home. Which wasn’t so great. Home is where his father was.

He went to stand up, shoving his pencil haphazardly into the side pocket of his backpack, but stopped when he felt someone sit down on the tall stool next to him. Awsten reflexively tensed, bracing himself for an impact of some sort, as his head shot up to face whoever it was. He relaxed a little when he saw that it was only his teacher, looking at him through his slightly lopsided glasses. But only a little bit, he still didn’t know what Mr. Way wanted with him. If there was anything that existing had taught him, it was that being alone in a room with an adult was never a good idea. He was pretty sure that the teacher would never try to hurt him, but Awsten had learned not to assume that about anyone. 

“Hey, Awsten,” Mr. Way greeted him nonchalantly. “I haven’t checked in with you in a few weeks, have I?”  
“No, I guess not,” he replied, voice barely above a whisper. His art teacher had a bit of a thing with ‘checking in’ with Awsten, he’d noticed. He’s asked about it, once, but the older had only smiled a bit and insisted that he did this with all his students. Awsten hadn't protested, despite knowing for a FACT that he didn’t do this with anyone else. “Did I do something wrong, Mr. Way?” he added. He didn’t THINK that he had missed any assignments or anything, but maybe he had.  
“Now, I’ve told you that you can just call me Mikey,” the teacher responded, voice light but firm. “Mr. Way makes me feel old. I’m only twenty five, you know. And besides, it would get confusing with two Mr. Ways.” Mikey’s brother was the honors multimedia teacher, a couple classrooms down from this one. He had heard cool things about the other Mr. Way, but the senior had never had one of his classes.  
“Sorry, Mr. W- Mikey,” Awsten cut himself off.  
“And no, you didn’t do anything wrong. I just wanted to know how you’re doing lately. You were absent for a few days” Mikey reassured. Awsten cringed at the memory. 

His father had come home from the bar, drunk off his ass, which was fairly routine. But he’d brought some of his friends with him on that particular day. They’d all decided to take out their… frustrations out on him. He’d left the encounter black and blue, with things done to him that made him eternally grateful that Gracie was sleeping over at a friend’s house. If that’s what they’d done to HIM, he couldn’t imagine what they would have done to his sister. He’d dragged himself to the shower and sat under the spray long after the water had gone cold, scrubbing his skin raw that night, but had felt just as filthy as when he’d started when he finally went to bed. He’d been too sore to get himself to school for the next several days. 

Awsten subconsciously tugged at his sleeves, despite the fact that there was already no way that his teacher could have seen the still-purple skin beneath them. Mikey’s eyes caught on the movement momentarily, but he didn’t mention it. 

“Yeah.. I.. got sick,” Awsten hastily explained, avoiding eye contact with the older. He felt a rush of fear as he heard Mikey’s disbelieving huff, but fortunately his teacher didn’t press him.  
“Well, I’m glad that you’re feeling better. How’re you feeling about your quarter finals so far?”  
“Um. Pretty good, I guess,” he said noncommittally. He really wasn’t super worried about the quarter finals for this class, the parameters for the assignment were loose, and Awsten had already started on the project he’d chosen to do.  
“Okay, well, good,” his teacher said. His tone indicated that that was that, but he didn’t move or stop looking at his student. Awsten shifted uncomfortably. “Is there anything you need to talk about?” Mikey asked suddenly, his voice suddenly soft and calm, in contrast to his usual sunny, slightly sarcastic disposition. “Anything you need?” His eyes were searching as he stared into Awsten’s, something like concern swimming just below the surface.  
“..No,” the younger mumbled after a pause, suddenly feeling weird and uncomfortable. He almost felt inclined to tell his teacher about everything, ask him for help, receive the comfort that Mikey seemed so willing to give. But he didn’t. “I’m fine. Thanks, though. I, um. I think that I should start heading home soon, I have some algebra that i need to start on.”  
“Okay, Awsten. I’ll see you tomorrow, then,” Mikey said reluctantly, finally standing up.  
“See you tomorrow, Mikey.” the teacher smiled a bit at the usage of his first name. He waved at Awsten as he walked out of his classroom.

___________________________________

As Awsten neared his house, he started moving down the mental checklist that he’d developed over the years.  
Was his father’s car in the driveway? Yes. That means that he’s home.  
Was it parked at a weird angle? Yes. That means that he’s probably drunk.  
Was Gracie’s second hand bike that they’d managed to scrape together the money for tucked behind the shed, invisible unless you were looking for it? No. That means she’s not home, probably hanging out with Lynn or Nanna. 

He crept up to the decrepit wooden stairs of his porch, which hadn’t seen any restoration since… that day. He opened the door to his house as quietly as he could and stepped inside, avoiding creaky floorboards with practiced ease. 

Could he hear anything? Yes, it sounded like his father was in the kitchen.  
Was he stomping? No, so hopefully he wasn’t too angry today.  
Did he need to walk past his father in order to reach his destination? Thankfully not, the stairs to the basement were in the other direction.  
Could he get to his room undetected? Probably. 

Awsten wasted no more time, flying swiftly through the hallway and down the stairs, shutting the door quietly behind him. Slowing a bit, now that he was out of the danger zone, he unlocked the door to his room, slipping inside and latching it. The lock on his door had served him well over the years, once he had swiped the key out of the drawer in the kitchen. He’d gotten a pretty bad beating for taking it, but he refused to give it up, and it wasn’t even a week before his father had completely forgotten about its existence. 

On the inside, Awsten’s room looked almost identical to how it had in elementary school. The same blue duvet, the same dresser (who’s drawers now stuck a bit), the same glow in the dark stars on his ceiling. There were little differences now, though, like a tidier floor, the old laptop plugged into the wall, and the locked chest in the corner of the room opposite the bed. The closet door hung open ninety percent of the time these days, and was filled with larger clothes and shoes. 

After setting his backpack carefully against the leg of his desk, he flopped dramatically onto the bed. Letting his eyes fall shut for a moment and letting out a slow breath, Awsten allowed himself a moment to just feel. This was also a part of his routine. He’d figured out a long time ago that it just didn’t work to try to completely deny himself his emotions. They always found a way out, and always at the worst possible moments. Like in the middle of social studies, or in front of his dad, or on the bus. So he had a system. Every few days, depending on how urgent it was, he gave himself a couple minutes of experiencing all of the dangerous emotions. Sometimes he cried a little. Sometimes he kicked things. Sometimes he just layed there. And then, he got rid of them. Bled them from his system, literally and metaphorically. 

Sitting up again with a soft groan, Awsten pulled off his hoodie and walked over to the chest in the corner, fishing the key out of his pocket as he did so. Opening it, he slowly pawed through the contents. Most of the space in the chest was taken up by nonperishable food and a few drinking glasses, he and Gracie’s stash for when their father didn’t buy food for them or he didn’t let them upstairs. He didn’t know what they’d do without the half-bath in the basement with running water. There was his small supply of money, earned with odd-jobs and sneaked from his father’s wallet. A few journals that his dad wouldn’t really have any interest in, but he still felt weird leaving out in the open. And finally, what he was looking for. A ziplock bag with some gauze and bandages (swiped from the school nurse’s office), and a few tissue-wrapped blades of various origin. 

He dumped the contents of the bag on the floor unceremoniously, sinking down to sit cross-legged in front of them. With startlingly little hesitation, Awsten reached for and unwrapped a little silver blade, this one broken from a disposable razor. He deftly flipped it over in his hand a few times before bringing it to rest gently against his pale forearm, zeroing in on a patch of skin without as much scarring as the rest. He closed his eyes and breathed in for a second, letting his shoulders relax, before inhaling sharply and digging the corner of the blade into his flesh. He didn’t like the texture of the razor dragging his skin open, and usually opted for quick, deep swipes instead. He didn’t even like looking at the damage until after he was done, the sight made him squeamish. If he kept his eyes shut, he could just bask in the sudden numbness of the endorphin rush. 

After pushing the piece of metal into his arm six more times, he felt light and airy enough to stop. His head felt like it was full of cotton balls as he finally opened his eyes and assessed the damage. He’d forgotten to put a towel down, and there were rivulets of blood dripping from his wrist and onto the carpet, creating a stain that would never be removed. Awsten was too out of it to care, and it’s not like there weren’t already bloodstains all over his floor.

He didn’t bother cleaning his cuts at all before wrapping a bandage haphazardly around them, only doing as much as it took to not bleed all over his blankets. After he was finished, he shoved everything back into the plastic baggie, which he dropped into the chest. He didn’t bother standing up to walk to his bed, deeming the risk of passing out not worth it when he could just crawl. Clambering up into his bed and assuming the fetal position, he closed his eyes again and let himself enjoy the fuzzy feeling behind his eyes, and how he couldn’t really feel anything beyond it. 

He didn’t even have time to turn off the lights before he fell into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i feel like that kind of devolved at the end, but i tried. 
> 
> sorry about how un-proofread this all is, nano doesn't really allow much time for editing. i'm probably going to do all of my editing next month, so look out for that. hopefully it'll be more cohesive and readable after that. also, sorry for how shitty and late in the day yesterday's chapter was, i had a really bad flare-up and had a seizure and had to write like two thirds of it on my phone in a hospital bed hooked up to an EKG. while on hydrocodone. so yeah. hopefully this one was better. 
> 
> please leave kudos and comments!! i work hard on these, even if they're so bad that it's hard to tell!


	4. You're looking skinny, sleepyhead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we are, day 4. today we get some geoff and otto pov, isn't that exciting? anyways, enjoy!
> 
> chapter title from Dying In A Hot Tub by Palaye Royale
> 
> trigger warnings for this chapter:  
-quite a bit of talk about eating disorders

Geoff’s life was okay. Maybe even better than okay. He lived in a nice house in a nice neighborhood, and had nice parents. His moms loved each other, and even though he could sometimes hear muffled fighting at night, by the morning they were all gooey smiles and making chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. They built him a treehouse in the backyard when he was five, with a beanbag and a shelf full of comic books and everything. He rarely went up there anymore, though, because he was twelve, and twelve was too old for beanbags in treehouses. 

His parents were fussing over him in a tornado of hoodies, lunchboxes and ‘are you sure that you don’t want us to walk with you?’s on the first morning of eighth grade year. But he was a middle schooler now, he could walk the four blocks by himself. Kissing his moms on the cheek after the customary ‘first day of school’ picture, he thundered down the porch stairs and lept to the sidewalk. He knew that they were waving to him from the doorway, but he didn’t look back. He was twelve years old, and he wasn’t a kid anymore. He didn’t need any help.

By the end of first period, he was already starting to rethink his ‘full independence’ strategy. Although he was loath to admit it, he needed help finding his second period class. He briefly considered going back to the music classroom and asking Mr. Stump for directions, but he quickly ruled that plan out. The bell that signified the end of passing period had run almost five minutes ago, and he was probably teaching right now. Geoff would rather die than slink into a class that he wasn’t in, in front of thirty other people, to ask the teacher for directions like a pathetic loser. So, he did what any sensible sixth grader in his position would do. He hid in the bathroom. 

Geoff sighed as he sank down against the wall by the sinks. Of course he had gotten lost. And was that he was warned about this. His mom had gotten a book about starting new schools for him from the library earlier that week. He had whined about it when she brought it home for him, telling her that he didn’t need to read a picture book about new beginnings, or whatever. And then he had read it after she went to bed. And had he listened to what the book said to do? Nooo, because he was a strong, independent idiot who didn’t need anyo-

“You too, huh?” a voice startled him as it rang through the small space. It was high pitched and melodious, but distinctly male, and it sounded like how a smile looked. Geoff’s head jerked up, startled. The other boy looked to be around his age, was wearing acid-washed jeans, and was fidgeting a little bit with his backpack strap. He was looking awkwardly at the floor, shoulder-length curly hair falling past a black bandana and over his face. Geoff opened his mouth to respond, probably lash out if he was being honest, but then the other lifted his eyes and met his. 

Any words that Geoff had been planning to say died in the back of his throat as all of the air was suddenly sucked from his lungs. He could have sworn that the world stopped spinning as blue eyes connected with brown, and the sharp gasp from the other told him that he was feeling the same. After what felt like an eternity (but was probably only a few seconds), Geoff’s larynx rebooted enough for him to croak out a few words.

“H..hi” he breathed. “I-I’m Geoff.”

____________________________________________________________

Geoff was waiting outside of Otto’s World history class when he emerged, greeting him with a kiss on the cheek before they linked hands and started meandering down the halls together. 

“How was your day so far?” Geoff asked brightly as they wove in and out, between hyperactive freshmen and jocks who refused to move over for anyone. 

“Oh, um.” Otto said, snapping too. “It was okay, I guess. Yours?” Otto WANTED to listen to his soulmate and his story about Hayley flipping off their English teacher or whatever, but his thoughts kept wandering back to that skinny boy in his math class. He’d felt weird when he heard his voice, like he knew the other boy from somewhere. But no matter how hard he wracked his brain, he couldn’t place him. He had ruled out the possibility that they’d gone to elementary school together, he was sure that they’d never been forced into any first grade soccer teams together, and he didn’t think that they were neighbors. He was still absently pondering it when he was jolted back into the present by his boyfriend.

“-to. OTTO,” Geoff said loudly. Otto belatedly registered that they had stopped walking, and were already sitting in their normal spot on top of the old bleachers. Geoff’s eyes were searching his, full of exasperation and maybe a touch of concern.

“Oh, sorry. Um. what was the question?” he muttered sheepishly.

“There was no question, you goof,” Geoff’s expression was relieved as his boyfriend came back to reality. “You were just spacing out really bad, and didn’t make even one snarky comment about how shocked you are that Hayley hasn’t been expelled yet. What’s going on?” His question was phrased in a way that didn’t even entertain the notion that nothing was wrong. He knew Otto well enough to know when something was bothering him.

“Oh, yeah, it’s nothing,” Otto said, rubbing the back of his neck. “There was just this kid in third period that almost passed out and I’m a bit worried about him.” That was most of the truth, at least. He wasn’t sure why he left out the part about how familiar the boy was, but he felt like he should.

“Yeah, that checks out,” Geoff chirped, relaxing back. “Your moms taught you well. Is he okay? What’s his name?”

“Well, they ARE nurses. I’m pretty sure that they’d disown me if I didn’t try to help a guy who looked like he was about to keel over,” Otto addressed the first part of Geoff’s statement, chuckling a bit. Geoff just looked at him expectantly, waiting for the answer to his questions. Otto sighed.

“I mean, he didn’t faint. He just kinda stumbled a bit when he stood up. I was, ah, walking past him, and kinda helped him stay upright?” he explained, staring down at he and Geoff’s intertwined hands. “He said that he was alright when I asked him, but he was really pale and kinda shaky.” He paused for a second, trying to gauge whether or not to tell Geoff the rest. He decided to fuck it, what could it hurt. Besides, it would be nice to get it off of his chest. “And he was really skinny, too. Like, REALLY skinny. Like, his collarbones could probably hold water type of skinny. And I offered him some crackers, and he viscerally FLINCHED. I think that he may have an eating disorder, like, anorexia or something, and I’m just really worried, is all. And also I don’t know who he was. Like, I could point him out in a crowd, but I don't know his name.” Otto held his breath a little as he chanced a glance back up at the other, not quite sure how he would react.

Geoff’s eyes had softened, and he was gazing at with boyfriend with something like adoration in his brown eyes. Of course, Otto could feel the concern coming off of him, but he relaxed a bit when he saw that Geoff wasn’t upset with him or anything. 

“Otto,” Geoff said softly. “Before anything else, I feel the need to tell you that, if mystery guy has an eating disorder, that’s not on you.” He gave a stern look and held his finger up as Otto indignantly opened his mouth. “I can SEE you doing the ‘I’m aware of a problem, and therefore it is now my responsibility’ thing that you always do, and do NOT argue with me, Otto Wood, we both know that you do that.” Otto’s shoulders dropped and he wrapped his arms around himself.

“I know, G. It’s just, there was something about him. I really want to help him,” he said, his voice breaking a little at the end. “I’m really worried about him. He might die. Do you know what the mortality rate for Anorexia Nervosa is?” he didn’t wait for a response before continuing. “Twenty percent, without treatment. That’s a one in five chance that he could die, probably more considering how advanced it looks. And I don’t know why I care so much, I really don’t, but I do, and it’s kinda eating me right now and I’m sorry.” Otto didn’t look up as he took a deep breath, recovering from his rant.

Geoff was at a loss for words. While this kind of stuff wasn’t uncommon for Otto, it usually wasn’t this intrusive. He was just so empathetic and smart, when he was confronted with a situation in which someone was struggling, he always tried to fix it. Even when it wasn’t his to fix. Although this situation seemed more serious than any that Otto had told him about before, so maybe that had something to do with his intensity. 

“How do you know those statistics?” was all that Geoff could think to say. He cringed at the stupid question even as it left his mouth, but he honestly had no idea how to respond.

“Bethany is a psychiatric nurse, Geoff!” Otto almost-shouted, more out of distress than anger. Geoff nodded despite the fact that his boyfriend wasn’t looking at him. He’d forgotten that one of Otto’s moms worked at a psychiatric inpatient unit. Geoff took a minute to work out a response, this time.

“Otto, it makes sense that you’re worried. You’re such a kind person, and especially if you know how much danger this guy probably is, of course you’re concerned. And you can absolutely do your best to help. But you have to promise me, that if you start blaming yourself or stressing too much, you’ll take a step back,” he told the other, rubbing his back comfortingly. Otto sniffled a bit before nodding once. 

“I love you,” the brown eyed boy mumbled into his boyfriend’s side.

“I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aahh i hope that that wasn't too terrible!! i tried!! 
> 
> please leave a comment telling me what you thought of this one! this whole thing is really stressful, but nice feedback makes it so much easier!


	5. fake my pain away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i'm shocked that i haven't given up yet, but i've elected to believe in myself. so here we are, chapter 5, awsten's pov again. 
> 
> chapter title is from Special by Simple Creatures
> 
> trigger warnings for this chapter:  
-physical bullying  
-blood  
-referenced self harm  
-dissociation  
-implied eating disorder

Today was what Awsten internally referred to as an ‘aftermath day.’ 

Aftermath days came after the Feeling days. They were the days when the numb, drifting feeling hadn’t quite worn off. They were the days when he could actually get schoolwork done. They were the days when he was cheerful enough to join in his friends’ conversations, and the days when Jawn tried to hide his grin over his best friend actually eating. 

Aftermath days were lovely but fleeting, like cherry blossoms, delicate and pink for a week in the springtime before melting away. Awsten had considered hurting himself every night so that every day could be an aftermath day, he had considered it so many times. But the comfort of routine was almost magnetic, and the thought of losing it made his chest tighten. Besides, he never wanted to get used to this feeling. He wanted the contrast, he wanted his silver linings bright enough to blind him. (It might also have something to do with the voice in the back of his mind telling him that maybe he didn’t deserve it. But Awsten didn’t want to think about that.)

Alex had beamed at him in first period English when he was emotionally present enough to engage the other in a debate about Jack Keroauc’s On The Road, and whether it was a good book, or if it was just held on a pedestal because of how modern it was at the time (Awsten argued for the latter). His dry lips tasted metallic when he wetted them with his tongue; they had cracked from smiling so much for the first time in forever. Awsten saw Alex cover his mouth to hide his wide grin when he ate the cheeze-its that he offered him. He knew that it wouldn’t last very long, but the intrusive thoughts had loosened their grip on his brain. He had to get some food into himself now, because he knew that he wouldn’t later. He pretended not to notice his friend’s reaction, though; he was feeling okay, but it still made him wither a bit inside when someone watched him eat. 

Chemistry passed in a productive blur. He was pleasantly surprised to find himself actually understanding atomic mass and its relation to the periodic table. Algebra was much the same. He flew through the assigned problems, realizing that he knew the material, he just needed the spoons to do it. He avoided Mystery Boy, still embarrassed about yesterday. But it was hard when he was always staring at Awsten when he chanced a look up. Awsten flushed red every time, thinking about how the other must be judging him. But even that couldn’t keep him down for very long.

He was already cross-legged on top of his backpack, meticulously cutting up an apple from the cafeteria, when Jack and Alex caught up to him under the bleachers. Jawn wasn’t far behind them, and he didn’t miss the conspiratorial gestures between them. Awsten was willing to bet what little money that he had that Alex had told the others that he was having a good day since he’d seen him last. He didn’t mind, though, and his friends seemed happy. 

“Hey, Aws!” Jawn said as he sat down beside him, voice cautiously hopeful.

“Hey, yourself,” Awsten shot back with more energy than the others had seen in weeks. He was nearly blinded as all three of his companions broke into a grin at once. Maybe they really did care about him. Not in a ‘you’re a fellow human being and therefore I instinctively don’t want you to die’ way, but in a ‘you’re important enough to me that I want to see you happy’ way. Awsten’s facial expression mirrored theirs. 

He made it almost halfway through history before he started to come down. He could see the worried looks that Jawn and Jack were sending him across the classroom, unable to do anything. But he suddenly couldn’t find the energy to care. Awsten pulled his hoodie sleeves over his hands and crossed his arms on the desk, letting his head fall between them with a barely heard thud. The nice fuzzy feeling in his head had gone, and was now replaced with a building headache. He was suddenly acutely aware of how un-empty he felt, how the apple and crackers were sitting in his digestive tract right at that very moment. The rest of class moved like molasses, and by the end, he almost couldn’t move for how emotionally exhausted he was. He only got up when he felt Jawn rest his hand on his shoulder. He knew that he and Alex were saying something to him, probably worrying, but he didn’t have enough mental energy to listen. 

Awsten was alone in the hallway now. He didn’t remember everyone going into their classrooms, but he supposed that that’s what must have happened. He didn’t want to go to class. It was sixth period, so he had art right now. But he really didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to sit down and think, he didn’t want to interact with anybody, and he didn’t want to see Mr. Way looking at him with those eyes that could see straight through him. 

Maybe if his head was clearer, he would realize that an absent would get a robocall to his father, who would NOT be pleased. He didn’t give a shit about Awsten’s education, make no mistake. He just hated being bothered and loved any excuse to beat his son harder than usual. But, he wasn’t thinking clearer, so here he was. Wandering the halls, half an hour before the final bell. He traced his hands lightly across the lockers as he walked by them, the barely-there touch enough to occupy his dissociated mind. Occupy it so well, in fact, that he didn’t notice the triad of jocks that he was sharing the hallway with until they were about four feet away from him. 

He knew what was about to happen. He always knew, he wasn’t stupid. Everyone had their place in the scribbled mess of high school, and his just happened to be ‘soulless freak who doesn’t defend himself or snitch when you beat him up.’ And when people like him encountered ‘big, strong, and privileged with daddy issues’ people, things always got bloody. But Awsten was too out of it to be afraid. He just observed the situation (they were saying something, and backing him up against the wall. He was about to get beat up.) with bored factuality. That it, until the first punch landed. 

Awsten heard the crack of his head against the metal lockers before he felt it, which he barely had time to before a rough hand grabbed him by the hair and shoved him to the floor. His brain was finally working again, the gears were grinding back into motion as he hit the ground. There was blood dripping from his lip, which he had bit down on hard during his journey to the floor. He could hear every little sound in the hall, from his own irregular breathing to the water in the bathrooms eight doors down. Everything was turned up to one hundred as feet made contact with his body over and over again, making him curl up and convulse. Blood was soaking through his left sleeve, under which cuts had been forced open by the impact of the assault. He felt like he was going to scream. He didn’t want to be here, he didn’t want to be living this life, he didn’t want to be alive. He wanted to die. 

Awsten was almost grateful when a steel-toe made contact with his head, sending him into a sea of blackness. 

____________________________________________

He had woken up some amount of time ago. He hadn’t moved a muscle, hadn’t even opened his eyes, and didn’t know how much time had past. He didn’t really think it mattered, anyway. He was just barely staying afloat on waves of pain and dizziness when he felt a sudden contact on his arm, shaking him. 

His body reacted before he could have a say in the matter, jerking back so hard and fast that his shoulder blades slammed into the wall. He refused to open his eyes, he didn’t want to see who was hurting him, as he curled impossibly tighter in on himself.

“..STEN. Awsten, you’re okay. It’s just me. It’s just Mikey, and I promise that I’m not going to hurt you in any way,” he dimly processed. Ah. Just Mr. Way, not anyone trying to come finish him off, then. 

Realizing that he was physically safe, at least for the moment, let Awsten to relax a little and crack his eyes open. Well, eye. It seemed like the other one was swollen shut. 

“Hey, okay, there you go,” Awsten heard his teacher speak again. “Can you let me know in some way if you can understand me?” 

After taking a quick inventory of his body and coming to the conclusion that most fine motor skills were down for the time being, he responded to Mikey’s prompt with a hoarse, broken hum. 

“Okay, thank you. Can you make that noise again if it’s okay for me to help you up and too my classroom?”

Another hum. Mikey stood from where he had been crouching on the floor before kneeling down in a way that would give him more leverage. 

“Tell me if I do anything that hurts too much, okay?” he said before gently placing a hand just below the crux of Awsten’s arm and another on his opposite shoulder, firmly guiding him into an upright position, propped up against the lockers. From there, it was a lot of grabbing hands and knees giving out until they ended up with Awsten fully upright, one of Mikey’s arms wrapped firmly around his ribs while his other hand fluttered anxiously in front of him, ready to support Awsten if he were to fall.

Walking a few doors down the hallway took them far longer than it should have, with Awsten’s legs buckling every few tiny steps. But they made it there eventually, and he was able to sit down and let the shock start to wear off. 

“I’m going to grab my first aid kit and a water bottle from the back,” Mikey said as he stepped back, finally believing that Awsten wasn’t going to fall out of his seat at any given moment. “Then, we’re going to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for powering through that mess, and i'm sorry for the slow-burn nature of this story (but not really, it's kinda fun to write them being clueless morons).
> 
> also, just fyi, this story IS awsten-centric. so most of the story is going to be from his pov. just to give y'all an idea of what this whole thing is gonna look like, i have 30 chapters planned. 22 are awsten's pov, 4 1/2 are geoff's pov, and 3 1/2 are otto's pov. of course, that's assuming that i don't deviate from my current outline, which i might.


	6. if you need a friend, i'll help you stitch up your wounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this one's going to be really dialogue-y because i couldn't start it until like 6pm and also i'm not having the best day. just some nice good-teacher Mikey and needs-a-hug Awsten, because our green gremlin deserves some comfort. anyways, i'm really sorry, i'll try my best to have a real chapter tomorrow. 
> 
> title from Missing You by All Time Low
> 
> TWs:  
-injuries  
-talk of bullying  
-talk of dissociation  
-briefly implied self harm

Awsten fiddled nervously with his jumper sleeve as he waited for Mikey to return. His whole body ached and he just wanted to go home and hide in his room, but he supposed that he’d rather be here than still on the floor of the hallway. At least here he was sitting up and knew that he wasn’t going to get jumped again. On the other hand, there was no avoiding his teacher’s well intentioned questions, now. It’s not like he could make a run for it in this condition or anything, even if he thought that it would help. 

Still a little in shock from what had just happened, he hardly noticed his brain slowing and his eyes glazing over. He was only aware that he had even been out of it when the loud sound of a full backpack being dropped on a table startled him so thoroughly that he jumped to his feet. At least, he would have if his knees hadn’t given out the second they tried to support his weight. And then, there was someone quickly grabbing him before he could hit the floor, and easing him back into the chair.

“Easy,” the art teacher breathed, gasping a little, probably from the surprise of suddenly having to (yet again) fully physically support one of his students. “I’m sorry, Awsten, I didn’t mean to drop that so loud. You okay?”

“Yeah.. Um, sorry for that,” Awsten replied, awkwardly scratching his neck. “And for.. All of this, I guess. You were probably going home when you found me, huh.” He let out a nervous chuckle. “You can go home now, if you want. I’ll be okay, I probably just need some ice or something and I’ll be fi-” The boy was cut off as he started to ramble.

“I’m not going to leave you like this. You’re right, I was going home, but you’re much more important than the gardening that I was planning on doing,” Mikey asserted firmly. He hesitated a little when he saw guilt cloud over his student's features, though. "Or, I guess that we could call a friend or a parent or a soulmate to come get you?" He was a bit confused when he saw Awsten visibly flinch at the mention of a parent or soulmate, but he pushed it aside. That wasn't the issue right now. "But it's probably best if I just fix you up a bit here," he hurriedly finished. The younger nodded a bit.

"Okay. Thank you," Awsten mumbled. He saw Mikey relax a bit, probably relieved at his compliance. 

"Alright, I'm going to start with your face, alright?" another nod. "Oh, wait, can you drink some of this for me? Head injuries need lots of water." Awsten wordlessly unscrewed the lid from the plastic water bottle handed to him and dutifully drank about half. Mikey smiled and took it back, setting it down on the floor next to him.

Awsten watched silently as his teacher started grabbing things from the red backpack. There was a cellophane-wrapped roll of gauze, two instant cold compresses, a spool of medical tape, a tube of disinfectant, and a small handful of large bandaids in a small pile on the floor before Mikey spoke again.

"I know that you probably don't want to talk about it, but i need you to tell me what happened." Awsten sighed. he had known that the question was coming, he had just been kind of hoping that it wouldn't. It wasn't that he didn't trust Mr. Way. He did, probably more than he trusted all of the other staff at the school put together. He just didn't really like talking about himself at all, to anyone. Also, he had no idea what he was and wasn't mandated to report, although he knew that he would have to tell CPS about parental abuse if he found out about it.

"I. Um. I didn't feel very good, and I didn't want to come to class. Sorry about that, by the way," Awsten began. Mikey paused his cracking of the cold packs for a minute to wave of his apology. "So, I was just kind of. I don't know. Wandering around? I would have gone to the nurse, but it wasn't that kind of not feeling good. It was more like my brain had stopped going, and nothing really made sense."

"Like dissociation?" the teacher interjected, looking up. Awsten furrowed his brow in confusion.

"Maybe? I don't really know what that means," he flushed, looking to the side in embarrassment. 

"That's okay. A lot of people don't, I just have a bit of a history with this kind of stuff. So does Gerard." Awsten looked back up at his Mikey, humiliation replaced with curiosity. "My brother. The other Mr. Way," Mikey clarified quickly. Awsten nodded again. "Dissociation is when your brain kinda disconnects from your body and what's going on around you. Depending on how you experience it and how bad it is, it can be just feeling super spaced out, or it can be literally not being able to process what's happening around you. It can also be what I think you're describing. Like you mostly know where you are and what's happening around you, but you can't really react to it. Is that right?"

Awsten's mouth was hanging open a bit. He didn't think he'd ever heard anyone describe anything so perfectly in his life. And even besides that, he didn't know that other people got the drifty thing, too. He had always thought that it was just another weird thing about him.

"Uh, yeah, actually. That pretty perfectly sums it up, actually." Mikey hummed again in acknowledgement. 

"So then what happened? When you were walking around?" he prompted, as he started dabbing at the little cuts on Awsten's face with a wet bit of gauze.

"Some guys came up to me. I don't know who they were, I was too.. dissociated. to tell," He explained, haltingly using his new word. "And then one of them punched me, and they threw me on the ground, and they were kicking me and stuff. And then I got hit in the head and blacked out."

"Do you know if it happened in the same place that I found you in?" Mikey used the opportunity of Awsten not talking to carefully wipe some dried blood from his lip. The younger thought for a second.

"Yeah, I'm, like 90% sure that it was the same place."

"Fuck," the teacher hissed. "I keep telling the main office to put a camera down there." Awsten's mouth quirked a little bit in amusement. Mikey had sworn in class before, but it was always a little weird hearing a teacher say fuck. As he finished putting the bandaids on Awsten's face, Mikey held out an ice pack, which he took, resting it gingerly against his cheek. "If you ice that well enough, your eye might not be completely blacked tomorrow."

"Thank you," the seventeen year old said. He really did mean it. He couldn't think of a time that an adult had helped him like this since... well, since his mom left. Mikey smiled back, a real smile. He seemed legitimately happy that Awsten was opening up to him.

"You are very welcome. Are there any more injuries that I can help with? Of course I'm not going to ask you to strip or anything, but it looks like they got you pretty good on the arm, there," He said. He started to reach out towards Awsten's left sleeve, but stopped when the younger jerked it back behind himself. 

"No, I'll be fine," Awsten rushed out. "I'm going to take a shower when I get home, and then I'll wrap it up if i need to. Thank you, though," he added on at the end, not wanting to seem ungrateful after all that he'd done for him. Mikey frowned, eyes lingering on the covered arm. 

"..Okay," he surrendered, after a short hesitation. "Do you have a ride home?" Awsten considered lying, but he found himself unwilling to after the events of the past hour. 

"No," he admitted, looking down into his lap.

"Can I drive you home, then?" Awsten looked back up at his teacher, shocked. He'd kind of assumed that Mr. Way would only feel obligated to help him at school. But here he was, offering to drive him home?

"You really don't have to.. I live almost two and a half away." Awsten could see the shock in his eyes. He didn't like the long walk to and from school either, but it wasn't like he had much of a choice.

"Don't be silly. I'm not going to let you walk home like this, especially not if it's that far away," Mikey said in a voice that was gentle, but didn't leave much room for argument.

"Okay, I guess. Thank you."

"Don't mention it."

Awsten needed help walking for the first couple of steps, but after a minute his legs got used to the idea again. Mikey still stayed close to his side, though, ready to catch him should he start to fall again. He drove a cherry-red impala that Awsten had seen in the parking lot before, but never really thought much of until now. The inside smelled like hot glue, vanilla, and men's fabric softener. (Awsten had never understood why companies advertised things like fabric softeners as men's and women's. But regardless, he found the smell incredibly comforting in that moment.) The inside was messy, but in a very organized-chaos kind of way. Mikey pulled a pair of square-frame sunglasses from the glove-box, putting them on with one hand as he used the other to pull out of the parking lot.

The ride was quiet, but not in an uncomfortable way. There were one-sentence directions punctuating a companionable silence, and it wasn't long before they reached Awsten's house. He glanced over at the other nervously, worried that the other might be judging his house. But he was just smiling at Awsten, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel to some song in his head. He opened his mouth to thank him again for everything, but his eyes snagged on something in the dash compartment.

"What are those?" he asked curiously. Mikey followed his gaze, his eyes lighting up when he saw what Awsten was looking at. He pulled them out enthusiastically.

"Oh! I'm designing some stickers for everyone in my dungeons and dragons party." he said proudly, fanning them out for Awsten to see. There was a red one, a yellow one, a blue one, and a green one, about five of each. "It's kind of a weird party, the setting is all dystopian and wasteland-y."

"These are super cool!" Awsten exclaimed, reaching out to touch one before pulling his hand back.

"Thanks! I'm really happy with how they turned out. You can take one, if you want. I went a little overboard at the printing studio," he offered. He looked so sincere and enthusiastic that Awsten couldn't help but match his grin.

"Okay," Awsten agreed, pulling one of the red ones from the pile. "Thank you so much. Not just for the sticker," he said, suddenly having trouble with eye contact again. 

"No problem. I hope you feel better, and get some good rest, alright? I'll do my best to find the guys that attacked you. See you tomorrow?" Mikey asked as Awsten got out of the passengers seat.

"See you tomorrow," he confirmed. 

He waited until Mikey's car had disappeared around the block before taking a deep breath, turning towards his door. Now he just had to make it to tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, i'm really sorry for that. i swear i'm trying. thank you so much for reading, and i adore every single comment that i get.


	7. so much left to do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aahhh we're already 1/5 of the way through?? insane! Huge, ginormous thank yous to everyone who's read this, and even bigger thank yous to anyone who's left a comment!! i hope that you keep reading, and you're satisfied with how this all turns out at the end!!
> 
> anyways, coming up in this chapter, we've got awsten having a real hard time and alex being a great friend.
> 
> trigger warnings:  
-suicidal thinking  
-suicidal actions/attempts  


Awsten hummed tunelessly as he watched the methodical swinging of his legs over the ledge. ‘Home’ hadn’t really worked out, and he was still wearing the same bloody clothes as he had been when Mikey had dropped him off. He had made the executive decision to not even go past the front door when he had heard the sound of drunken yelling (probably at the TV) coming from the living room as soon he walked up the front steps. He just turned around and started down the street. He had tried calling Jawn, Alex, and Jack, seeing as they had let him take him refuge at their housed before. None of them had picked up. So he let himself wander.

He wasn’t entirely sure what had brought him to the river pier, but he had decided that it was some external force in the past two hours that he’d been here. There had to be SOMETHING that put him here, of all places. His elbows hurt from being hooked around the metal railing posts behind him. He couldn’t help but think that there was something almost sacred about this. The wrong side of the railing, ten feet above white water, but in such a secure position that there was no chance of falling. Unless he chose to. 

It was getting dark. The sunset had started a little while ago, and the bright orange in the sky was being chased away by growing shadows all around everything. There was still a sliver of the sun visible over the horizon. Awsten was pretty sure that he wanted to fall with it. In a couple of minutes, the sun would be gone. The stars would grow brighter in the sky, the moon would climb higher. And he would be gone. Whisked away by the churning water beneath him. He had thought about it, and he was pretty sure that he had no idea where the river went. They were in Texas, so not the ocean. Maybe a lake? Or maybe it retreated back into the earth, miles downstream. Awsten didn’t really know where his body would end up. He wasn’t sure if he wanted it to be found, actually. He couldn’t give two shits about his father, he wouldn’t give a shit anyways. But his friends, and Gracie would probably all want closure. Maybe, he thought, the news that her son was dead would bring his mom back from wherever she was. His musings were interrupted by a voice behind him.

“Awsten?” a small, scared voice rang unexpectedly through the cold air. “Please come back over the railing.” Alex. Of course it was Alex.

“How did you find me?” Awsten asked hoarsely, ignoring his friend’s plea. 

“I.. you didn’t pick up when I called you back.” Awsten winced guiltily at the tremor he could hear in his voice. “I texted Gracie and she said that she hadn’t seen you since this morning. Jack and Jawn didn’t know where you were either. After what happened in history, we were worried. So we all split up to look for you.. Awsten, please come back from there.” Alex’s voice rose a bit as he spoke, cracking painfully towards the end. Awsten didn’t move. “Please. -”  
Whatever Alex was going to say next was cut off by a choked, terrified sob that he had obviously been holding back. Awsten finally broke.

“Alex,” he said, twisting around as much as possible while not letting go of the rails. “Alex, please don’t cry,” he begged, his stomach churning with shame. 

“Don’t you fucking dare tell me not to cry, Awsten!” Alex responded, voice suddenly angry below the tears. “You’re my best friend in the fucking world, and you’re about to fucking jump off of a pier. I’m going to have to fucking watch you kill yourself, and it’ll fucking destroy me. Awsten Constantine Knight, you do not get to tell me to stop crying until you’re back on solid ground.” Alex’s voice was torn to shreds by tears, but each word still sunk deep into Awsten’s heart. He hadn’t cried all day, even after everything that had happened, so he was shocked to feel his eyes begin to prickle and well up. 

“Okay,” Awsten said. Or, at least, tried to. His words caught in his throat when he tried to say them, and came out as nothing but a whisper. Alex hadn’t heard him; he was still standing there, hand covering his mouth and body convulsing with sobs. “Okay,” he tried again. This time, his vocal cords elected to obey him, and he heard the heart wrenching sobs hitch and pause.

“Okay,” Alex breathed. His voice still shook violently, and the words were guarded, like he was afraid that Awsten would yell ‘sike!’ and jump into the river below. But at least he wasn’t making those kicked-puppy noises anymore. “Okay, yeah.” Awsten nervously flexed his hands, suddenly scared that me might fall, despite having been planning to do that very think only minutes before. He opened his mouth and closed it again.

“Can you, um,” he said haltingly, voice straining slightly to be heard over the sound of the water. “Can you help me?” Alex, who had been standing in one place, clearly dazed by everything that had just happened, lept forwards.

“Yeah, yes. Yeah, of course I’ll help you,” Alex said, words tripping over one another as they flew out of his mouth. His hands fluttered aimlessly beside Awsten’s for a second before he decided on a course of action. “Hold on really tight with your left arm,” he muttered, starting to uncurl the fingers on Awsten’s left hand from the railing. He obediently tightened his hold. Awsten didn’t speak for the next several minutes, just stared away into nothing and followed the quiet commands of his friend. 

The moment that Awsten was over the railing, Alex yanked him off the pier altogether. They stumbled into the grass under the glow of a flickering street lamp, and suddenly Alex’s whole body seemed to be wrapped around him. He didn’t know which one of their knees gave out, but they were both kneeling on the damp ground. Alex was sobbing again. Neither of them talked. 

It must have been fifteen minutes before Alex disentangled himself from his friend. (But he still kept Awsten’s hand tightly in his own.) Awsten cleared his throat before speaking. 

“C-can I go get my phone?” he asked quietly, his voice breaking a bit as he gestured back towards the pier. The small silver rectangle was just barely visible from where they were still kneeling, about a foot back from the railing. Alex’s eyes flashed with panic when he went to try to stand up, and he was immediately yanked back down to his knees. Awsten winced. “Ow! What the hell, Alex?” he said, without much malice.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I don’t know why I did that, it was kind of knee-jerk.” He paused for a moment, thinking. “Um. Can I go get it for you?” Awsten raised an eyebrow. He looked down sheepishly. “I’m really sorry, it’s not that I don’t trust you, I do!! I’m just kind of… shaken up right now?” he hastily explained. Awsten nodded once. He wasn’t really pleased with the deal, but he kind of owed it to Alex. 

Awsten stood up and brushed the dirt from his knees as Alex scrambled back onto the outlook and back, presenting Awsten with his phone. He pressed the power button on the side and squinted from the brightness of the cracked screen. Sure enough, there were five missed calls and eight messages from Jawn, four calls and six messages from Jack, and six calls and eight messages from Alex. He was about to open the messages when he felt a warm hand interlace itself with his icy one. He looked up to see Alex staring at him, and watery smile on his face. There were no more tears, though, thank god. 

“Come on,” he spoke with authority. “We’re going to my house. We’re going to my house, and you’re going to sit on my bed while I tend to your wounds and tell you how stupid you are and how much I love you and would be devistated if you died. And then you’re going to tell me every single thing that you’ve been bottling up, do you hear me?” Awsten may have tried to argue if he had the energy, but he didn’t. He was emotionally and physically exhausted, and talking about all his shit honestly sounded kind of nice. 

“Okay,” he said simply, squeezing his friend’s hand as they started down the sidewalk. Now that Awsten was back in his body, he recognized that they were only about half a mile from Alex’s house. His friend had his driver’s licence, but it seemed like he’d found Awsten on foot. He was okay with that, actually. It felt nice to walk right now. 

“Do you want Jawn and Jack to come over as well?” Alex’s voice cut through the quiet. “I already texted them to let them know that I found you and that you’re safe. They told me to tell you that they love you.” Awsten thought for a second. 

“Can they come over later? I kind of want to just talk to one person, but then it would be really nice to see them,” Awsten suggested. Alex nodded, opening his phone and swipe-typing with the hand that wasn’t gripping Awsten’s. A moment later, he nodded again.

“Yeah, they said that they could be at my place in about two hours. Does that work?”

“Yeah. Thank you.”

The rest of the walk was silent. They both knew the way to Alex’s house so well that they could make it there in their sleep, and they moved in synchronization until they reached the doorstep of the cheerful, red house.

“My dads know that I was looking for you, and they’re a bit worried as well. I told them that you weren’t feeling well and that we’re probably going to go straight up to my room, but they’re probably still going to fuss over you for a couple minutes. Is that okay?” Alex said, pausing with his hand on the doorknob. Awsten responded with a quiet affirmative. He liked Justin and Carlos, they were super nice and always hugged Awsten when he came over. Alex gave him a little smile before pushing the door open. 

As predicted, the two were suddenly surrounded by worried-dad, asking questions and offering to take coats. At some point, a mug of hot chocolate was pressed into Awsten’s hands, and when he looked over he saw that Alex had one as well. After a good five minutes of offers of snacks and head kisses, the two boys were finally able to retreat up to Alex’s bedroom. As promised, Awsten was immediately steered towards the bed and forced to sit down as Alex slipped down the hallway, presumably after first aid supplies. 

Awsten let himself flop backwards, feeling the bounce of the mattress beneath him. A few stray tears leaked from the corners of his eyes, and he let them. It had been a long, long day. But, his best friend was down the hall, and he was going to take care of him. And soon, his other two best friends would be there, and they would all cuddle and watch The Office until they fell asleep. 

Maybe things would be okay in the end, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idefk what that was, but it was fun to write, and i hope you enjoyed it. i had planned to write the whole conversation and interaction at Alex's house, but this story is going slower than i wanted it to, so i'm just gonna time skip and hope for the best.
> 
> anyways, thank you so so much for reading! pleasepleaseplease leave a comment telling me what you thought, or where you think this is going, or what emotions this made you feel, or anything you want! i write fic because i love doing it, but it's still work. comments are like currency. i love them. and i love you!!


	8. it's nothing you can't hide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really sorry that i didn't upload yesterday. i had another seizure and couldn't upload, but we're here now.
> 
> okay so i did some basic restructuring of the 'blueprints' for this story, and the pace is going to speed up a bit. thank you so much for reading all of this so far, this one is kind of a lot.
> 
> title from The Stigma (Boys Don't Cry) by As It Is
> 
> trigger warnings:  
-talk of self harm  
-talk of eating disorders  
-talk of parental abuse  
-suicide attempt  
-graphic overdose

Awsten had counted the stars on Alex’s bedroom ceiling twenty one times in the past hour (ish?) since his eyes had adjusted to the dark. Jawn was laying on his left arm, which, now that he thought of it, might have actually been what had woken him up. He refused to move it, though. The other three were sleeping so peacefully, and he still felt so guilty about making them all cry that he almost couldn’t breath when he thought about it. Alex crying was bad enough. He was so happy and optimistic, and when he was upset enough to shed tears, Awsten wouldn’t be surprised if everyone on the hemisphere felt it. But even with how life-destroying it was, Alex definitely cried fairly often. It was only natural, considering how expressive he was. Jack was fairly similar. But Jawn NEVER cried. 

The last time that Awsten could remember seeing Jawn cry was in fifth grade, when he found out that Awsten’s dad hit him. But there they had been, a couple hours ago, sobs wracking his body so hard that he’d almost thrown up. Even with Awsten practically draped over him like a blanket, it seemed like he’d keep crying forever. Alex and Jack had just been sitting aside, holding each other tightly in worry and relief while Awsten buried his face in Jawn’s neck as the bigger boy cried himself out. He’d had to keep a hand gently against the back of Jawn’s head after he’d started yanking at his own hair in stress. Awsten didn’t think he’d ever breathed a bigger sigh of relief than he did when his friend’s breathing finally began to level out, and his grip around his waist loosened a little. No one had brought up the subject of why they were actually all there after that. The two had stayed coiled around each other as Alex had snagged his laptop off of his bed and turned on The Office. Even though words were scarce, Jack and Alex weren’t basically fucking next to them like usual. Which was pretty nice, actually. 

Awsten was starting to wish that he hadn’t woken up so much earlier than his friends. Because he could feel the depression getting louder and louder in his ears again, starting to drown out all of the warm, positive feelings that he had been holding onto. With everything out in the open, the rest of them had managed to shout down the cognitive distortions for once. But now that they were asleep, they were creeping back in. 

‘They don’t REALLY care.’

‘They’re doing this because they feel obligated to.’

‘Even if they THINK that they care, they’re lying to themselves.’

‘If you were to die, it would only take them a couple hours to realize how much better off they are without you.’

‘They don’t need you, they have their soulmates.’

And then there were the ones that weren’t even about his friends, but that were kept at bay in their presence. 

‘You’ll never find your soulmates.’

‘You don’t deserve to.’

‘They’d never want you.’

‘You’d fucking ruin them if you tried to enter the dynamic.’

‘You’re going to be alone forever. But your friends aren’t. Gracie isn’t. Everyone you love is going to move on and be happy without you, and you’ll be stuck here. Alone. Abused. Miserable. You need to end it NOW. End it on a relatively high note.’

The voice of reason had gone silent. And Awsten Constentine Knight was going to die today.

It was another hour or two until everyone else woke up, a few hours before school started. Jawn finally got off of his arm, grinning sheepishly and asking if it’d been hurting him. Awsten lied and said that it hadn’t. He changed into some of Alex’s clothes, which were too big, but he didn’t care. They were warm and emo and smelled like safety. He ate almost an entire bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch with his friends, and he called Gracie afterwards. She had just woken up, and her voice was hushed to avoid waking their father. They talked for over an hour, longer than they had in months. He learned that she and her soulmate, whoever they were, had scratched little words into their skin and arranged to meet up in Huston in three weeks. He didn’t approve of their communication method, but he was ecstatic that his sister wouldn’t be alone soon. Surely her soulmate would take care of her after she was gone. 

Gracie didn’t understand why he said that he loved her so many times when they hung up, or why he insisted on telling her how proud of her he was, or why he’d gotten choked up. She’d just told him that she loved him, too, called him a weirdo, and hung up. If the others noticed how weepy he suddenly was, they didn’t ask about it, probably assuming that he was just overemotional after last night. 

They all walked to school together, taking a detour so that Jawn could walk Maxx to his private school a mile and a half away from theirs. None of them minded the longer walk; Awsten was pretty sure that he would do anything to see the cheek-splitting smile on Jawn’s face when he held hands with his soulmate. He wove in and out of the two couples, playful teasing fueled by an unfamiliar instinct. If he were going to die soon (which he was), be happy, playful, energetic. Go out on a high note. Adrenaline made his body sing, and pushed aside any guilt for doing this to his friends, making it easy to ignore. It would all be over soon.

__________________________________

First period came and went in a flash. Time was moving strangely today. Every moment was drawn out, but still slipped through his fingers like water. It felt like leaving Alex’s house with all of his friends had been mere moments before as Awsten stared into the mirror in the bathroom, eyes boring a hole through the glass. He could feel each skin whorl on the pad of his thumb as he ran it slowly over the ridged cap of the bottle of acetaminophen in his pocket, discreetly swiped from Alex’s bathroom cabinet. He could feel his heartbeat in his ears as he pulled it slowly from his hoodie, loud and pounding. He didn’t know why his body was acting like he was scared, because he wasn’t. He WANTED this. He frowned at his reflection. Second period was starting soon. He didn’t know how long this was going to take. The internet said it could be up to 24 hours. Optimally, Awsten would be gone before he even had to go home. He clumsily unscrewed the bottle. His heart was screaming in his ears. He shoved the pills into his mouth, swallowing the whole bottle in three goes. It was silent again. 

Awsten cupped some tap water in his palms, using it to dislodge the stuck-pill feeling in his throat. He stared into the mirror for another second or two before glancing down at his phone, checking the time. He threw the empty bottle into the trash as he swept out the door on his way to science. 

__________________________________

Lunchtime came and went. Nothing happened. His friends hadn’t even commented on his jitteriness, although he supposed that it wasn’t far enough out of the ordinary for him to warrant any sort of response. It was history before Awsten actually even started to feel anything, and even then it was just waves of nausea and stomach cramping. When Jawn and Jack asked him why he kept making faces and twitching during group work, Awsten blamed the cuts on his arms. They winced in sympathy, but didn’t press it. He hugged them both before he went to art class. He wasn’t really sure what to anticipate, or what the timing of it would be, and he wanted to say at least a subtle goodbye. Just in case he didn’t have the option to later. 

Mikey glanced up at the door through his glasses as Awsten walked in, face lighting up when he saw who it was. He looked like he wanted to say something, but was holding back because of the other students, which Awsten was grateful for not only for the sake of his privacy, but also because he felt like maybe he’d pass out or throw up if he tried to talk. He attempted a smile back at his teacher (although it probably looked more like a grimace), and stumbled to his seat in the back, immediately putting his head down on the desk. The cool, black metal of the art tables felt like heaven against his forehead, wracked by hot flashes and a building tension headache. It wasn’t enough, though, and did nothing to counteract the heart palpitations or the slight spasming that was beginning in his legs. 

He jerked his head up suddenly. He was going to throw up sometime in the next two minutes. He could feel it. He made his way to the door as fast as his misbehaving legs would allow, pausing at the front of the room only momentarily to give his teacher what he hoped was an explanatory gesture. He didn’t bother looking back to see his response before he was tripping down the hallway. He felt like he was walking backwards through a telescope; his destination couldn’t seem to decide if it wanted to get closer or farther from him as he made his way to it. The floor was coming in and out of focus. He almost collapsed against the bathroom door when he reached it, wincing at the loud bang when it slammed against the wall. 

He only got about a step into the room before his knees gave out and hit the floor, bringing the rest of him with them. Even the cold tile felt like fire against Awsten’s cheek, and he felt like his skin was burning off of his body. He threw up without the strength to move his face more than an inch away from it. Everything was spinning, faster and faster, and his body was trembling so hard that he thought he could feel his bones rattling against each other. He tried to scream but he couldn’t. He just wanted all of this to STOP-

And then it did. 

Everything became disjointed from itself, like all of his wires had come unhooked. It didn’t feel good; it didn’t feel like anything. He was experiencing everything and feeling none of it. And then..

“-wsten! Jesus, what the FUCK. C’mon dude wake u- FUCK, are those PILLS???? Jesus dude, SOMEONE COME HELP!! WE NEED HELP!!” an unfamiliar voice cut through the empty. No, unfamiliar felt wrong. He’d never heard this voice before, he was sure of it, but it sounded like home. He wanted to hear it again. Why couldn’t he open his damn eyes? 

Another wave of pain washed over him, and everything went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading that, it's all going to start coming together soon. so look forward to that! also, it's absolutely frickin insane to think that we're already a week into nano! but here we are!! 
> 
> every single read means so much to me. i read every comment even if i don't respond to them sometimes, and i always scroll through the libraries of people who drop kudos on my stories. i love you, i hope that this chapter was satisfactory, and i hope that the next one is, too!
> 
> (he's not dead.)


	9. open the slits in your face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay!! so sorry about yesterday's chapter! that was a lot! but now the real comfort arc is going to start kicking up pretty soon, so that's cool!! thank you so much to everyone who commented on last chapter (or any of the previous chapters), they always make me smile. so, geoff's pov, we're off!!
> 
> chapter title from Before You Start Your Day by Twenty One Pilots
> 
> trigger warnings for this chapter:  
-self harm mention  
-abuse mention  
-suicide attempt

Geoff was having a weird day. He and Otto had gotten into a bit of an argument last night, he had this weird pressure headache, and his mom had seen the new scars on his arm this morning, and had almost made him late to Language arts by conducting the goddamn spanish inquisition over it. She knew that his other soulmate had been hurting himself for a long time (her attitude on the issue fluctuated between ‘oh, the poor thing!’ and ‘he’s being selfish and short-sighted’), but she still panicked every time she noticed more cuts on him. At least she had stopped taking him to the hospital every time to make sure that it wasn’t secretly him doing it. 

Of course he and Otto had still walked to school together; they’d only ever had one fight that had completely put them off of each other’s company. They hadn’t talked much, though, and the atmosphere was tense. Although, they HAD communicated enough to know that they were both feeling the same sense of pressure and uneasiness, and that it had started last night for both of them. There was some single-sentence speculation on what it could be, and the most likely option, they had decided, is that it had something to do with their soulmate. Like maybe they got a concussion, or they were getting hit extra bad, or something. 

Geoff and Otto had long since accepted that their soulmate… didn’t lead the happiest life. They weren’t stupid enough to blame the constant bruises and scrapes on anything but abuse, and they’d gone to the police back in middle school to report it. Turns out, there’s not much that the government can do about child abuse if they don’t even know what child is BEING abused. When the cuts and burns had started showing up a couple years later, they’d both cried about it, but what could they do, really? They had to wait until they found him (her? them?) to do anything about it, which, unfortunately, was taking a while. They were lucky enough to have each other, though, with the hole in the dynamic that they both felt. The same couldn’t be said about their missing soulmate. 

So when they concluded that something had happened to the other, it was with a melancholy acceptance. Neither of them had gotten a black mark, which meant that they weren’t dead, and that’s all that they could really ask for at that point. 

Geoff knew that it was stupid, but he felt weirdly during class becasue Otto hadn’t kissed him goodbye when they parted for first period like he normally would. A few days ago, he’d learned that the boy that Otto almost saw faint was in his first and sixth period, after his boyfriend had excitedly grabbed his arm and pointed at him as their paths crossed between lunch periods. He kind of understood why Otto felt so intrigued by him and wanted to help him so much; he was practically magnetic once Geoff noticed him. He didn’t know why, but for the past couple days, language arts had been thirty percent paying attention and doing classwork, and seventy percent staring at mystery boy (and blushing and looking away whenever he got caught). Yesterday, he’d realized that he had two different colored eyes. 

The thing about mystery boy is that he usually seemed so… sad and low energy. But today, he was practically glowing. He couldn’t seem to stop smiling, seemingly at nothing, and he actually raised his hand to answer one of the teachers questions. She didn’t call on him, but still. Geoff should be happy that he seemed to be feeling better. So why did he feel so uneasy about it all?

________________________________________

Otto kissed him when he came out of his history class to go to lunch, and that was that. That’s how a lot of their fights ended. It wasn’t that they were avoiding talking about them or pushing the topics aside, it’s just that, once they both had time to process, it stopped mattering so much. And if they needed to talk about it, they did. Geoff told him about Mystery Boy’s abnormal behavior in first period, who frowned and said that HE was actually planning on telling Geoff how out of sorts he had seemed in algebra. They hypothesized for a couple minutes before leaving the subject in defeat, and made out on the bleachers for the rest of lunch. By the time fifth period ended, Geoff was drunk on his lips and the smell of his hair. He adjusted his hoodie to cover the marks on his neck and tried to rub the redness from his face, before he began the trek to the arts building for sixth period. 

He pretended not to notice the knowing smirk on Mikey’s face as he walked into his classroom. Mr. Way was his favorite teacher, and Geoff loved his class, but he could be unsettlingly perceptive at times. Geoff’s eyes automatically flicked over to where Mystery Boy usually sat in the back of the art room as he made his way to his own seat, but he wasn’t there. He couldn’t help the little thrill of concern that fell through his body, despite the fact that the other got to class after him about fifty percent of the time. Today just seemed.. Different.

The slight concern in his stomach was alleviated for a second, before hardening into a rock, when Mystery boy stumbled into the room thirty seconds before the bell. The relief at seeing him arrive was short lived, and quickly overtaken by intense worry over how much like shit he looked. Not to say that he didn’t look as beautiful as always, because he did. But his skin was so white that it was bordering on gray, his eyes were glossy and out of focus, his hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat, and seemed to be having significant trouble staying upright. He managed to make it to his desk, though, and immediately let his head fall onto it. Geoff flinched as his cranium audibly connected with the matte, black metal of the table. 

Geoff managed to tear his eyes off of the boy to look up at the front of the classroom, wondering what they would be doing in class today. Mikey hadn’t said anything to the class yet, and didn’t look like he was going to in the immediate future. Instead he was staring at Mystery Boy in the same way that Geoff probably had been, his brow furrowed in concern. Confident that he wasn’t missing any educational directions, Geoff glanced around the room. It looked like maybe one or two other people had noticed the shaking (he was shaking, now!) student in the back, but they weren’t very invested. Geoff wanted desperately to ask if he was okay, but it was class time and he didn’t want to draw attention to himself, and he didn’t think that the other would appreciate it, either. And besides, he’d never actually spoken to him before, and he didn’t think that this would be an appropriate situation during which to make his acquaintance. 

After another moment of nothing, there was finally movement from the front of the classroom. Mikey stood up and walked from behind his desk to the whiteboard, greeting the class as he started to write, telling them that they could choose whether to work on their quarter finals, or do an ink drawing of an original character as an extra credit assignment. Geoff absentmindedly retrieved his half-finished ceramics piece from the misting rack in the corner of the classroom, still staring at Mystery Boy as he tied an apron around himself. He’d barely sat down again, when the trembling boy’s head shot up suddenly, followed by the rest of him. Geoff barely had time to register what was happening before he was tripping out the door, making some kind of weird, floppy hand gesture at the teacher as he almost fell through the door. 

Mikey looked up from his computer in surprise, only catching the tail end of the event, and froze in shock and confusion for a couple seconds before looking around the classroom, frowning. He seemed to hesitate and think for a few moments. He stood up haltingly and started walking towards Geoff, who jolted a little and quickly made himself look busy with his project. 

“Geoff?” he heard from next to him. He winced, certain that he was about to be chastised for spending the first fifteen minutes of class staring at a fellow student instead of doing his work.

“Yeah?” he asked, looking up and doing his best to feign innocent confusion. 

“I saw you looking at Awsten,” Geoff flinched, feeling caught, while at the same time feeling a little thrill at being able to put a name to the face. Awsten. He decided that it suited him. “Do you know what’s wrong with him? He seemed pretty off.” He relaxed a little, relieved that he wasn’t being told off.

“No, I don’t, actually,” he admitted. “I was just worried because he looked kinda sick.”

“Yeah, I saw that..,” Mikey trailed off for a second. “Hey, would you be willing to go after him and see if he’s okay? I’d do it myself, but I have a class.” Geoff was a little bit surprised at the preposition, but kind of grateful if he was being honest. He was just as curious as his teacher, if not more, and appreciated the opportunity to check on him. 

Geoff nodded before standing up and speed-walking towards the door, not bothering to respond to Mikey’s quiet ‘thank you.’ In the hallway, he wasn’t sure which way Awsten had went, as he didn’t actually know where the other was going. Scanning both ways, he saw a figure disappear into the bathroom door, around five doorways down the hall to his right. Jackpot. He took off towards it. 

He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting to find, but he was pretty sure that this wasn’t it. Mystery Boy, no, Awsten, was laying on the floor, body shaking violently, face dangerously close to a small puddle of vomit. His eyes were closed and it looked like he was unconscious. Geoff stood in shock for a couple seconds before dropping to his knees and resting his hands on Awsten’s shoulder, shaking him a couple times. 

“Awsten! Jesus, what the FUCK,” Geoff said loudly, half trying to wake him up and half talking to himself. “C’mon dude wake u-” He stopped short when he happened to glance down at the puddle of sick. He inhaled sharply, seeing what looked like Tylenol in it. Like, dozens of half-dissolved Tylenol. Suddenly, everything seemed to start making sense. He’d tried to kill himself. “FUCK., are those PILLS???? Jesus dude, SOMEONE COME HELP!! WE NEED HELP!!” He yelled, praying that someone from the hallway or a nearby classroom would come to his aid. 

As the bathroom door burst open, he barely registered all of the figures suddenly moving around him. His eyes were caught on the lines on Awsten’s arm that had been revealed as a result of how much Geoff had been shaking his shoulder. Seeing self harm scars on someone is jarring under any circumstance. But it was on a whole other level when they perfectly mirror the ones that have been decorating your wrists for years, down to the little, round burn scars peppered throughout the thick, uniform lines. 

He was completely frozen in shock as he was pushed to the side by teachers taking pulses and calling nine one one, mind trying to reboot. He needed to find Otto. 

Awsten was their soulmate. And he’d just tried to kill himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aha! they meet! things are happening!!
> 
> pleaseplease comment, they mean the world to me and always make my day better. ilyg!!!!


	10. your face is like a melody (it won't leave my head)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yES I KNOW THAT IT'S TECHNICALLY TOMORROW BUT I HAd a rough day, okay? And this is the longest chapter so far, so hopefully that makes up for it. I'll still upload later today, don't worry. 
> 
> Surprise, we're still Geoff's pov!! I wasn't expecting it either. But plot progress is made in this chapter! So that's cool! Anyways, enjoy?
> 
> trigger warnings:  
-suicide attempt  
-overdose  
-vomit mention (non-graphic)

Geoff kept waiting for someone to tell him what to do, but no one did. He felt like another wall, or maybe a sink, with the way that everyone moved around him without seeming to register his presence. It was like he was a rock in the ocean; the water flowing around him without being disrupted by him being there. He was sure that they’d be paying attention to him, allowing him to help with everything that was going on, if he spoke up and told everyone that he was Awsten’s soulmate. But he didn’t, because even he wasn’t stable in that information. He knew it must be true, supposedly evidence doesn’t lie, but was a fact really a fact if no one truly believed it yet? He needed to find Otto.

So he just sat there, watching, listening, as still and silent as a statue, as he heard the loudspeaker call a shelter-in-place, and the sirens get closer and closer before halting outside the school. He saw dozens of people somehow fit into the small space, and he saw them clear out, taking Awsten with them. He heard the sirens start back up again, moving away this time, and the intercom crackle back to life and tell the school that it could go about its business again. He saw that there was still vomit on the floor, as well as a small smear of blood where Awsten’s head had been. He must have scraped it on the floor on his way down. 

He sat there for another minute. He needed to find Otto. 

The first thing that he did when he stood up, was get a handful of paper towel from the dispenser and clean up the mess on the floor. No one else was going to. He walked on autopilot back to the art room. It was surreal how normal the school seemed. Even their own class was normal as he pushed open the door, save for the well-masked panic that he could just barely detect on Mikey’s face as he met him at the doorway, swiftly pulling him back out into the hall to talk. No doubt that he had connected the odd behavior of his student to the sudden shelter-in-place, even if it was obvious that no one had contacted him about it.

“What happened?” the teacher whispered urgently. “Where’s Awsten?”

“He tried to kill himself. Overdose.” Geoff was faintly surprised at how even and unaffected his voice was. He had a moment of concern that maybe Mikey would mistake his monotony for apathy about the situation, but he almost immediately dismissed it. The other was clearly bright enough to recognize emotional shock when he saw it. “I called for help and they took him to the hospital, I think.” He left out the soulmate part. It seemed irrelevant, and besides, he needed to find Otto first.

“Oh, Jesus,” he breathed, his expression shifting from worried to reeling in less than a second. Even in his emotionally addled state, Geoff felt a rush of empathy for Mikey, who suddenly looked almost as shell shocked as he did. He could practically see the gears screeching in his brain, trying to reconcile his previous knowledge and impressions of the boy with the information he’d just received. 

Geoff felt an unexpected shudder wrack his frame, strangely violent for how emotionless it was. He didn’t know why he was shivering, but Mikey seemed to snap out of it at the sudden movement. 

“Oh gosh, Geoff, I’m so sorry you had to see that. If I’d known, I would have gone after him myself, I’m so sorry,” he started. “Are you okay? No, sorry, of course you’re not okay,” he answered his own question, seeming a bit like he was talking to himself just as much as he was to Geoff. He looked at him for a second, taking in his shaking form. “You’re in shock, of course you are,” he spoke again. “Come on, we’re going to my office. I’ll call someone from the main office to watch the class.”

“Okay,” he whispered, his voice cracking a bit. Mikey placed a hand on his shoulder for a second before immediately pulling it off, leaving it hovering a few inches from his arm. 

“Sorry, is it okay if I touch your shoulder?” he asked quickly. “I’m a bit shaken up and forgot to ask, I apologize.” Geoff found it a bit curious that he asked permission for something as innocent as a hand on an arm, but it was actually unexpectedly nice to feel like he had a say in it. 

“Yeah. it’s fine,” he said. The conviction and strength were starting to seep out of his tone, but it remained level. Mikey set his hand back down and started walking, using the point of contact to steer him along, as well as presumably provide an amount of comfort. He’d never been to the teacher’s office before, but it turns out that it was a door adjacent to his classroom, unmarked except for a small, easy-to-miss plaque that read ‘Mr. M Way’ in neat handwriting. He swiftly unlocked it and allowed them access the small room, letting it swing shut behind them.

Geoff had only been in one other teacher’s office before. He was a 3.6 GPA student, and rarely got in trouble or went out of his way for extra help, so he never really had a reason to. But he was pretty sure that most of them were.. not like this one. The desk was organized chaos, covered in haphazard piles of ungraded assignments and stim tools. The walls were covered in posters. Not the typical cheesy motivational and anti-drug ones that you usually found in schools, but tour laminates and what looked like commissioned pieces, depicting mostly a group of four guys in weird, loudly-designed clothes. One of them looked kinda like Mikey, actually. There was a small, indigo couch with several soft looking blankets draped over it, which Geoff gratefully sank into after Mikey gestured for him to do so, before he lowered himself into the swivel chair behind the desk. 

“You’re in shock,” Mikey repeated the same phrase that he’d uttered in the hallway. “You’re shaking because you just had a LOT of adrenaline in your system all at once, and it’s starting to drain out now that the traumatic event is over. That was probably also really fucking scary for you. Do you feel cold?” Now that Geoff stopped to think about it, he was cold, for some reason. He nodded. “Take one of the blankets, it’ll help,” Mikey instructed, nodding to the micro-fleece throws behind Geoff, who obediently grabbed one and pulled it over himself. He pulled open one of his desk drawers and grabbed a bag of m&m’s, pushing them across towards the student. “Try to eat some of those, your brain just expended a lot of resources to pull you through that situation without completely melting down.” Geoff ripped the bag open and popped one of the candies in his mouth. “I used to be an EMT in college,” Mikey added, answering his unasked question. He nodded in response.

Geoff’s eyes started to wander towards the window and his mind towards anything but what had just happened, swallowing the chocolate in his mouth. He needed to find Otto. Seemingly on cue, Mikey’s voice cut through the silence again. 

“If you want to talk about it, we absolutely can,” he offered. “We can also just sit here if you like, if you need to internally process, first. But do you have anyone that you want to call? I’ll get any of your friends a pass if they want to come down here, and if you want someone to pick you up I can excuse you from the rest of the day.”

“Um,” he mumbled, clutching his phone tighter in his pocket. “Can I call my soulmate? He’s in biology right now.” Mikey immediately nodded, already reaching for his desk phone. 

“What teacher? Or, you can call him yourself if you want, but if I call I can get his teacher to let him out of class.” Geoff loosened his grip.

“Mr. Dirnt,” he replied. Mikey nodded again as he began dialing, glancing down at the directory next to the keypad. Geoff allowed himself to zone out again, not bothering to pay attention to what his teacher was saying into the phone. He didn’t try to talk to him, even after he hung up, instead opting to finally call the front office to get that classroom sub. He was grateful that he didn’t try to coax him into talking; his brain was still trying to catch up, and he doubted that he was even capable of intelligent conversation right then.

He was still gazing mindlessly out the window when the office door opened loudly, causing him to flinch and whirl around. Tension that he hadn’t even noticed was there immediately melted from his shoulders when he saw Otto standing in the doorway. He looked tousled and more urgently worried than he’d seen him in a long time, but it barely mattered, because he was Otto and he was here. Any awareness that Mikey was in the room immediately dropped off the board, and even if it hadn’t, Geoff wouldn’t have cared as he wordlessly held out his arms towards his boyfriend in a silent plea for comfort. Otto rushed forward, landing awkwardly on the sofa before pulling Geoff into a tight-but-not-too-tight embrace, rocking him slowly back and forth and whispering soft words of comfort and scattered questions into his hair. Mikey stood up quietly and made some excuse about checking on his class, before respectfully leaving them alone in the room.

Geoff realized that he was crying with a start when he felt Otto’s thumb against his cheek, wiping away tears that had started trickling down them without announcing themselves.

“What’s wrong, Gee?” Otto asked as he pulled away just enough to look him in the eyes. The concern and tenderness in his voice was enough to rip a sob out of Geoff’s throat that he hadn’t even noticed he had been suppressing. 

“Mystery Boy is our soulmate,” he blurted out, the volume and conviction in his tone surprising to both of them. He didn’t look up at his soulmate before barrelling on. “His name is Awsten and he tried to kill himself with pills and I found him passed out in the bathroom and he was all pale and shaking and he wouldn’t open his eyes and then I called for help and they took him to the hospital and I just wanted to find you but you were in class so I couldn’t and I just had to wait until Mr. Way called to get you and I’m sorry,” he rambled. He was shocked at the volume and speed of the words pouring out of his mouth, considering that his brain felt completely blank. When he chanced a glance up at Otto, he was met with the same kind of blank, trying-to-process-a-lot-of-information-in-a-short-period-of-time expression that he was sure had been on his face for the past forty minutes. Otto opened his mouth and closed it again before he actually spoke.

“A-are you sure?” he croaked out. “That he’s our soulmate, I mean?” he clarified which part of Geoff’s statement he was addressing. 

“I mean I’m pretty sure? His arm had all of the same scarring as ours, and it would explain the weird.. fixation that he both have with him” he responded, crossing his arms across his stomach. Otto blinked a couple times. 

“And he… he tried to kill himself?” he said in a whisper. Geoff nodded rapidly, feeling the tears start to speed up. Otto took one of his hands off of his boyfriend’s shoulder and raked it over his face and through his hair. “Are you doing okay? I mean, considering.” Geoff thought for a moment before shrugging uncertainly. Otto nodded in understanding, not trying to push it further. There was a beat of silence. “Do you know what hospital they took him to?” he finally asked. 

“No,” Geoff whispered back, looking back down at their now-intertwined right hands dejectedly. 

“That’s okay,” Otto reassured quickly before pausing for a moment. “Here’s what we’re going to do, okay? I’m going to go and ask Mr. Way to call the office and excuse us for the last twenty minutes of sixth period. Then, we’re going to go down to the front office, and we’re going to find out where they took.. Awsten.” Otto hesitated for a second as he used the name for the first time. Despite everything, the ghost of a smile flickered over his features at the thought that they had finally found their missing piece. “And then, we’re going to drive to whatever hospital he’s at, and we’re going to see how he’s doing. If you found him right when he first started having overdose symptoms, I’m pretty sure that there’s a really good chance that he’ll make it. And then we’re going to go on from there. Does that sound okay?” He finished, gently tilting Geoff’s chin up to make him look him in the eyes. 

Geoff just nodded, not trusting his larynx to do as it was told. He was infinitely thankful that the other was taking the lead on this. He didn’t think that he could. Otto pulled him back into a tight hug, rocking him for a few moments before pulling back and softly kissing his forehead. 

“You stay here while I go get those passes from Mr. Way, yeah?” he asked, not moving yet. Geoff nodded wordlessly again into Otto’s chest, taking a deep breath. He stood up and Geoff shrunk back into the couch, scrunching his eyes shut as Otto walked out to get their passes.

“We’ll go find him and we’ll make sure he gets better,” he whispered to himself. “And then we’ll go from there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i'm really sorry about how weird some of that phrasing probably was, i was a teensy bit high on adderall to stay awake and finish this chapter for ya'll. but i hope you enjoyed it anyways, and if you did, PLEASE drop a comment!! they're the only thing that i wish in return.


	11. this was no accident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i know that i was gone for like two days and i'm so sorry i've been having a crazy week and i have other priorities. but here we are now!
> 
> title from Camisado by Panic! At The Disco
> 
> trigger warnings:  
-hospitals  
-panic attacks  
-talk of suicide attempt  
-mentioned abuse  
-brief mention of medical fentanyl

Turns out that the ‘slowly coming too in the hospital bed’ troupe is bullshit. There was no sluggishly becoming aware of the sounds of the hospital room, or your first thought being ‘am I in heaven?’ There was no blinking your eyes open to dim lighting, and the worried yet hopeful faces of your loved ones. Awsten was wrenched upwards off of the horribly textured emergency room bed by a violent spasm the moment he became conscious, eyelids snapping open as his abs gave out just as quickly he had tensed, only a couple inches in the air, slamming him back down. The LED lighting was piercing, and suddenly he was hyperaware of every single source of stimulus around him. The increasingly rapid beeping of a heart monitor reached some threshold and started wailing, the sound drilling into his brain and resonating throughout his whole body. He felt the dull not-quite-pain-but-very-very-uncomfortable feeling of an intravenous transfusion needle in his arm, and some kind of tube taped under his nose, pressing into his nostrils. His hands shot up to pull away the alien mechanism, but immediately became entangled with all of the wires and tubes surrounding him, which only made the panic worse. He started tearing at the offending devices, trying to get them off off off off, but then there were forign hands on him, presumably nurses but he was too lost to tell, and he looked to his left and what the FUCK was Mystery Boy doing here, and the skin on his was BURNING HIM. He felt a scream building in his throat, but his lungs were too strangled against whatever was in his fucking nose for it to escape. 

The stories that he’d read had told him that, if he woke up in a panic attack, they would sedate him, so WHY WEREN’T THEY. He didn’t want to be awake if this is what awake felt like, so would they please either just take all of the machines away and turn off all of the lights, or give him some goddamn fentanyl or something?

He probably could have fucking cried in relief when someone disentangled the tube from his face, if there wasn’t still everything else drilling into the very core of his being and rotting him from the marrow out. His whole body was shaking and thrashing against the hands holding him down, which were still burning him by the way, and then there was another against his forehead, and it was blissfully cool. He didn’t know why it felt so different from all of the others, but Awsten didn’t really care, he was just glad it did. His physical body was still seizing in fear, but there were waves of calm radiating out from the point of contact, soothing his thoughts. He couldn’t pinpoint exactly when he finally went limp, but he was so, so tired. His eyes fluttered back shut and he fell into darkness once again. 

When he woke up for the second time, it was to less internal chaos. It still wasn’t NICE or SUBTLE, per se, but he wasn’t having a meltdown this time. Which was something, he supposed. The nose tube was still gone (thank god), but the needles seemed to have remained in his arm. He tried to move his head to the side a bit, just to get a sense of his surroundings, but he winced as he was stopped by sudden cramping in his neck. He didn’t bother trying again; he didn’t have the energy, and it wasn’t that important to him, anyways. There were two voices to his left, talking softly. Awsten felt like he knew them, but didn’t know from where. Then one of them gasped, interrupting the other.

“Geoff,” the voice hissed. “He’s awake!” There was the sound of a sudden movement.

“What do we do?” the other said, slightly panicked. 

“I don’t know, but he can probably hear us!” 

Awsten, starting to feel antsy and slightly annoyed that he didn’t know what the fuck was going on, went to sit up with a wince. He heard a stressed hiss come from one of the people.

“Hey!” the deeper of the two said, startled, in a tone that was much louder, and pretty clearly directed at him. There was an uncertain pause. It didn’t seem like the speaker had even really meant to talk to him, at least not yet, he was just startled by the motion. “Um,” he resumed. “I, uh, don’t think you should try to sit up without a nurse saying it’s okay. Or something, I dunno..” they trailed off. 

Awsten rolled his eyes a little, but obeyed the command, opting to try to look over at the others again, this time successfully. His breath hitched in his throat. What on EARTH was mystery boy doing here? And he recognised the other, he was in art class with him, and Awsten actually thought that he was super cute. He may spend more time staring at him than he’d like to admit, but that was irrelevant right then. What the hell was going on?? His mind reeled for a second, trying to process. 

“I don’t mean to be rude,” he started, wincing viscerally as his voice came out raspy and cracking, feeling like sandpaper against his throat. “But. Um. What are you two doing here?” The two looked at each other in almost perfect unison, seemingly both at a complete loss for how to respond. Awsten was about ready to strangle someone. He deserved to know what the fuck was happening. First off, he wasn’t dead, which he had confusingly mixed feelings about. Second, it was literally him in the hospital. They were the ones intruding on his space, no matter what their intentions were. Third, it was pretty much his right to know what had happened after the bathroom, and how he had even gotten here. He realized in that moment that he probably wasn’t going to be allowed to leave, either. He made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat, rolling his head back to stare bitterly at the ceiling. 

“We.. we have a lot to talk about,” the boy from his art class said. Awsten huffed again, not in the mood for vague, ominous answers right now. 

“Look, if you guys want to be cryptic for now, do what you gotta do,” he snapped back. “But at least tell me your names, because I have no idea who either of you are.”

“Oh! Yeah, we should probably start with that,” the curly haired one exclaimed. “I’m Otto. And this is Geoff.” Awsten was quiet for a second, taking a moment to reconcile the names with the faces. He was about to reply when Otto started speaking again. “And you’re Awsten?” he questioned, but in a tone that implied that he already knew the answer and was just being polite. He nodded. “And I’m sorry, we’re not trying to be cryptic, there’s honestly just a lot and I don’t know where to start.”

“Okay, well do you wanna play, like, twenty questions or something?” Awsten asked hesitantly. He really just wanted answers. “Just to give you a place to start.” Geoff was the one who responded this time, nodding after a split second’s consideration. 

“Yeah, that might actually be a good idea.”

“Okay. Um, how did you guys know I was here?” Geoff grimaced, a distressed expression crossing his face for some unknown reason as he turned to look beseechingly at Otto.

“Geoff was the one who.. found you. In the bathroom, I mean,” he jumped in. Awsten blanched a little. He hadn’t even considered who might have found him, and he suddenly felt a wave of intense guilt for putting Geoff through all of that. 

“Oh, shit,” he said. “I.. I’m so sorry that you had to.. find me like that.” He made an effort to catch Geoff’s eye in an attempt to convey the sincerity of the sentiment. There was a pained expression on the other’s face as he looked up at him.

“No it.. it’s okay. I’m just really glad that I got to you in time. They told us that if the paramedics had gotten there much later than they did, the chances of the stomach pump and blood filtering would have had an exponentially smaller chance of actually saving you.” Awsten could tell that it wasn’t really okay, and that Geoff was probably super traumatized from it all, but he didn’t try to push it any further. Leaving the obviously touchy subject alone, at least until he had time to fully process, was the least that he could do.

“Okay. Well.. who else knows what happened? That I’m here?” he asked his second question. 

“Probably most of the school administrators,” Geoff admitted, clearly relieved at the topic change. “And Mikey, maybe also the other Mr. Way? I don’t think that any of the other students do, though. The school went into shelter in place when they were moving you, so there was no one out in the halls or anything.” Awsten breathed a small sigh of relief. He didn’t know what he would have done if he’d gone back to school and everyone knew about it.

“Oh. Well, good. Do you have any idea if my family knows I’m here?” he asked nervously. He wasn’t sure what he wanted the answer to be. His father wouldn’t really care, and would most likely just use it as another thing to taunt him and beat him up over. But Gracie would probably want to know, even if it would upset her. He tucked that train of thought away as his question was answered.

“Your sister actually came to visit you while you were out. I’m pretty sure that she really wanted to stay with you, but your dad called and she seemed really stressed about it and had to leave.”

“Yeah, that’s about par for the course,” Awsten mumbled. He couldn’t think of any more questions to build up to the big one, so he took a deep breath and asked.

“And why are you guys.. here? I’m pretty sure that the emergency room doesn’t usually allow non-family or soulmate visits,” (they both flinched a little at that for some reason) “so why are they letting you stay. And what even motivated you guys to be here in the first place? It’s not like we’re really friends or anything.” He said the last sentence quietly, looking down at his hands. 

“Oh. Uh. I.. I don’t think that there’s really an easy way to say this. Um,” Geoff managed to get out, tripping awkwardly over basically every other word out of his mouth. He was suddenly very interested in a loose thread on the hem of his black sweater. “Um,” he said again. “We..” Otto jumped in, unexpectedly to seemingly all of them.

“We’re soulmates.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading, please comment!!


	12. Our song has not been sung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okayy next chapter. i probably won't have 50,000 words by december first, but i've decided that that's okay, and that i can go a week or two over the time goal if i need to. my life and my mental health are the number one priority. 
> 
> anyways, lets go. title from The Reckless And The Brave by All Time Low.
> 
> Trigger Warnings:  
-talk of suicide attempt  
-hospitals  
-mentioned self harm  
-mentioned child abuse  
-self hatred/self deprecation  
-eating disorder implication  
-ptsd mention

There was a moment of silence as the words rang through the room and then died. Geoff whirled around to face Otto, with an expression on his face that Awsten didn’t think ANYONE would be able to interpret, before jerking his head back towards Awsten. The anxiety in his eyes would have been enough to burn through steel, except the boy in the hospital bed wasn’t even looking at them.

Awsten felt the world stop spinning. There was no WAY that time was still moving, not when all of the room’s idle noises sounded like they were underwater, or maybe like he was underwater, or like they were both underwater. Not when the lights in the room had gotten brighter and brighter until everything around him was white. Not when his brain had literally just stopped fucking working the moment that that sentance hit his ears. And then, reality crashed back down like a tidal wave, leaving him shell-shocked and breathless. 

“What?” Awsten gasped out, scarcely louder than a whisper. Otto opened his mouth, and closed it again, seemingly lost and maybe regretting saying anything in the first place. Geoff cleared his throat.

“We..,” he started, bringing a hand up to nervously tug at his hair. Awsten didn’t miss the way that Otto’s was quick to pull it away, into his. “I, when I found you, I saw all of the… stuff.. on your arms,” he said, clumsily dodging around the words ‘cuts’ or ‘self harm.’ “They were exactly the same as the ones that me and Otto have been getting for years, so I kind of figured it out.”

“‘Otto and I,” Otto corrected quickly and under his breath. He hadn’t looked up yet, but seemed to sense the ‘not the time’ glare that Geoff gave. “Sorry,” he mumbled. Awsten didn’t NOT believe them, but he didn’t really believe them, either. It was almost too much to take in at once, in this type of situation. 

“What? Show me,” he demanded, words escaping without much thought. Geoff furrowed his brow just a little, maybe slightly miffed that Awsten didn’t seem to think he was telling the truth, but he pushed up his sleeve and presented his left arm to him, anyways. Awsten’s breath hitched in his throat. This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t FUCKING HAPPENING. He’d been trying not to meet his soulmate for so long; he had avoided talking to new people, he’d barely left his room, he never let ANYONE except Jack, Jawn and Alex see any of his injuries (but that was also in part so that no one would try to call CPS or send him to a shrink or anything). He was going to move away as soon as Gracie was old enough to emancipate, move far away from where his soulmates probably were. Do anything and everything within his power to stay away from them. But here they were, and Awsten literally AND figuratively couldn’t get out of the situation.

There was so much in his head, but all that he managed to croak out was “You guys weren’t supposed to find me.” He saw Otto and Geoff both recoil in shock and confusion. “I mean, first off, I didn’t mean for anyone to find me in the bathroom before I had time to die.” (He could see them both flinch a little in his periphery at his blunt statement) “But I also didn’t want YOU GUYS to find me. I- it- you ruined it. I put so much effort into staying away from you, but you fucking ruined it, oh my god.” His voice broke in distress and frustration towards the end as he sat up and pulled his knees to his chest, ignoring the tubes and wires this time. He rested his forehead on his painfully protruding kneecaps, covered only by the paper-thin hospital blanket. 

“Why??” he heard Geoff’s voice from beside him, thick and forceful. Dear lord, was he CRYING? “Why the hell wouldn’t you try to find us? Just look at you, you- you clearly NEED US. You’re literally dying, you know that soulmate absence is one of the leading causes of mental illness, right?? Of course you do, that’s, like, fucking sixth grade health class.” Awsten opened his mouth to refute what Geoff was saying, but was cut off before he could. “No! Listen to me! Did you even think about US?? We’ve had each other for awhile now, but that doesn’t mean that we haven’t been missing you SO bad, or that we weren’t scared out of our fucking minds for you. We’ve had to know that you’re getting beaten up and hurting yourself for YEARS now, but we couldn’t help you because we didn’t know who you even fucking were, do you know how HARD that was??” Geoff’s words were choppy with dry sobs as he almost-but-not-quite yelled. It might have been obvious to most people that the anger in his voice was an extremely thin facade for the sadness and fear that had been gripping him for so long, all coming out at once. But years of what any doctor would call Post Traumatic Stress Disorder reared their head, spitting ice-cold terror into every once of his veins at even the slightest hint of animosity, and he gasped and shrunk in on himself as much as his vulnerable position would allow. Apologies began to tumble incoherently from his mouth as he started to tremble.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t think you’d want me! I didn’t think you’d want me, because I’m a mess and I’m a freak and I’m a terrible person, and you don’t want that. No one does. And even if you did, I could never force myself onto you guys. You’re so happy and.. and perfect and in love, and I would fuck that all up, I KNOW I would. I fuck up everything. You guys don’t want me, and I don’t deserve you, I deserve to die. I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry that I can’t be better and I can’t be what you deserve, but pleasedon’thurtme.” By the end of his monologue, Awsten was gasping, hyperventilation evident in his voice. Otto and Geoff looked at each other in panic, completely unsure what the protocol was for an outburst like this. The heart rate monitor was picking up speed, and so was his breathing. Geoff looked absolutely mortified that his words had seemingly caused a full blown panic attack in his already emotionally vulnerable soulmate, and he stood up, not really even knowing what the action was supposed to accomplish. 

Something about the action of him rising from his seat, though, made Awsten flinch so hard away from him that he actually tumbled from the stretcher onto the floor, cowering into a ball as soon as he made contact with the laminated tiles. Geoff winced as the IV line was ripped harshly from his arm at an angle that left him bleeding, but at least the heart rate monitor had stopped it’s incessant keening. He rushed over to the other side of the bed, kneeling down a couple feet away from Awsten, afraid to get any closer. 

“Hey, hey, hey” he crooned shakily, not really sure what he was doing. “It’s okay, you’re okay. We’re okay. I’m not going to hurt you, and I’m so so sorry for shouting. I was just feeling a lot of things, but I shouldn't have yelled.” He took a steadying breath. He couldn’t be freaking out right now. “We don’t know you yet, but you’re enough for us. And we love you already.” Awsten's sobs redoubled at the last sentence, but something in Geoff told him to keep going, that he needed to be hearing this. He repeated himself. “We already love you. Right, Otto?” he directed to the other boy, who had nervously crept over and was now crouching behind Geoff. He nodded before seeming to remember that Awsten couldn’t see him.

“Y-yeah. Yeah, we do,” he said quietly, voice breaking several times.

“You were made for us,” Geoff whispered. Awsten’s breathing was starting to regulate again, thank god. “You were made for us. We don’t care how damaged or worthless you think you are, we still love you. Frankly, I’m more disgusted with anyone who made you feel like this than I’ll ever be with you. Your life has been really hard,” he continued. “Harder than anyone’s should ever be. But you have us now, we found you. We’ll do whatever it takes to make it easier, okay?” To his quiet delight, Awsten nodded slightly against his knees. His body was still convulsing with the force of his tears, but at least he didn’t sound like he was choking on air anymore. Geoff hesitated a little before speaking again, unsure whether or not his request would be a good idea. “Can you look up at me?” He wasn’t trying to push Awsten, he really wasn’t, but it was important to him that he saw how sincere he was. He saw Awsten’s shoulders tense, his breathing stopping anxiously for a moment before another sob forced its way up. He paused for a long second. None of them spoke. Awsten’s head slowly began to raise from it's tucked in position, and he brought his eyes up to anxiously make contact with Geoff’s.

Geoff felt like all of the air had been sucked from his lungs as soon as their gazes connected. This was the first time that he’d actually made full-on eye contact with the other, and he was just now realizing exactly how stunning he really was. His face was all angles, which were unhealthily emphasized due to his obvious emaciation, but Geoff had a feeling that they would still be present if he was healthy. His lips were a full, blushed pink under the dry cracking, framed by porcelain skin and a pixie-esque jawline. His nose was something belonging to a Greek statue. Geoff actually drew a sharp, involuntary gasp when he truly saw his eyes. They were two different shades, one a striking, steely blue, and the other a deep hazel that some god must have spent years crafting, just for him. Geoff felt the tears that he’d been holding back push harder against the backs of his eyes just looking at him. 

How had he lived for so damn long without this perfect, stunning, broken boy? He’d only just found him, and Geoff felt like he might literally drop dead on the spot if he lost him again. His heart just about burst from his chest from bittersweet joy as he saw cautious trust and belief flash over his features. The perplexing cocktail of grief that Awsten had been conditioned to believe that he was unlovable and the happiness of making him feel like maybe he was wrong, was threatening to spill from his every orifice as Awsten leaned forward towards his affection, so subtly that it would have been the easiest thing in the world to miss it, like a sunflower that had been kept in the dark for far too long. 

“Can I hug you?” Geoff whispered desperately. Awsten's minuscule nod was all that he needed, and he was wrapping himself around the broken boy as fast as he could without hurting him or scaring him away. He smelled like a hospital, and a barely detectable thread of the stench of ketosis, but most of all he smelled like everything that Geoff had ever been missing, like home, like AWSTEN. The sob that he’d been swallowing down finally bubbled from his throat, and he let it. He could feel Otto wrap his arms gently around both of them, but didn’t move an inch. The two sobbed into each other’s shoulders, unresponsive to the nurses that came in, attempted to get Awsten back onto the bed and connected to the IV, and eventually gave up and left (maybe with a dirty look or two from Otto).

There were years of hurt that were still gripping resolutely to their memories, but, in that moment, it didn’t matter. They were in each other’s arms, and they were impenetrable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, i changed perspectives halfway through, what's your fucking point, brenda.
> 
> thank you so much for continuing to read this messy thing. please leave a comment, i read and try to reply to every one of them!


	13. beautiful scars on critical veins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so they've all officially met and stuff, which means that we can actually start all of the comfort-bonding stuff! yay!! this chapter is gonna be more addressing other plot points and characters, though, so that'll mostly actually set in next chapter. but yeah!! it's all starting to come together!!
> 
> title from Kids In The Dark by All Time Low
> 
> trigger warnings:  
-hospitals  
-eating disorder mention  
-vomit mention  
-referenced suicide attempt

They didn’t let Awsten out of the hospital for three days. During those seventy two hours, he made the first hand discovery that there is no worse sleep than in a hospital bed. They’d declared him stable pretty early on, and now were just sending in a social worker once a day to check in, and trying to get his blood levels even before they let him go. Gracie had visited twice, crying all over him both times, but it was hard for her to make it down to the hospital without any real means of transportation. He’d watched The Lion King on the room’s shitty TV so many times that the mere words ‘Hakuna Matata’ sent him into a stewing rage. 

Through all of it, his soulmates were always there. At least one of the chairs next to the bed were occupied at all times, if not both, except for when Geoff or Otto managed to wedge themselves into the small stretcher beside him. Once, they’d both tried to cuddle with him on the tiny mattress at once, which had ended in Otto on the floor, and a nurse coming in to tell Awsten to calm down and stop laughing so hard so that he could rest. 

Both of his soulmates were stunning. There was no other way to put it. Every time he looked into one of their eyes, he was paralyzed, and could feel one of the gashes in his soul start to sew itself back up. They were with him so much, loving him so intensely, that his conditioned aversion to affection and vulnerability never had time to corrupt his whole mind before it was pushed back down by waves of emotional caretaking coming off of the others. It was almost like they knew the moment the bad thoughts started to creep up, knew that they had to provide reassurance and distraction in those particular moments. And maybe they did, Awsten didn’t really know. All he knew was that, ninety percent of the time, he felt like a fucking idiot for keeping himself away from Geoff and Otto for as long as he had. They even managed to gently cajole him into eating small amounts of what the hospital was giving him. They’d put him on an NG tube a few hours after they’d gotten him back on the bed on that first day, which kind of sucked. The first twelve hours with it were the worst, when the doctor had miscalculated how much Ensure to give him through it, and he’d thrown up twice from how overwhelmed his shrunken stomach was. But, if he ate, they didn’t give him as much through the NG. 

Both of Otto’s moms had come to see him. Apparently, they were nurses, and wanted to meet their son’s other soulmate. They’d both hugged him (Awsten had started crying), and talked about how much they’d been missing him. Awsten knew that Otto had told them about… everything with his dad and his mental illness, but neither of them tried to get him to talk about it. Bethany just told him that he was always welcome in their home for any length of time, whenever he wanted, all he had to do was show up. Awsten had burst into tears as soon as they left, suddenly feeling flooded from receiving maternal affection after going without it for so long. 

But the main thing that Awsten had been feeling, other than love for and from Geoff and Otto, was fear. His father knew that he was here, and at least on some level what had happened, but Awsten had no idea what he was thinking or what he would do when he got home. Gracie had told him that he’d been in an especially bad mood for the past couple days, and she’d been mostly staying with her friends to avoid the blast radius as much as she could. Awsten felt bad for creating an even more unsafe home situation for her than usual, but there wasn’t really much that he could do except to tell her that he loved her, and worry. So he worried. A lot. Geoff and Otto were wonderful, and tried their best to help, but even they couldn’t stave off the growing panic as his discharge time drew nearer and nearer. They’d already arranged that they were going to all go Otto’s house when Awsten got out, and that’s where they would stay for the first night. They’d invited over Alex, Jack and Jawn, too, for the afternoon at least, and they were all going to hang out and get to know each other. Awsten was kind of nervous about that, too. Geoff, who was next to him on the bed, squeezed his hand reassuringly, sensing his anxiety. It only helped a little.

___________________________________

Possibly the only saving grace of the whole situation was that, since Awsten was seventeen, he could sign himself out of the hospital. The moment his hold was up, he was signing his own papers and walking unsteadily out of the unit to the hospital food court, Geoff and Otto gripping both his hands, to wait for Lisa to be done with her shift and drive them to Otto’s house. He fumbled a bit with his phone as he fished it out of his pocket (god, it felt good to be wearing something with pockets instead of a hospital gown), clicking it open and sending a short message to he and his friends’ group chat to tell them that he was officially out, and that he would see them soon. His phone blew up for about a minute after he’d closed the screen again, but he didn’t bother reading the messages, instead opting to lean gingerly into Geoff’s shoulder. He practically purred as he started carding his other hand through his hair, letting his eyes flutter shut. He was still adjusting to the feeling, but he felt safe around his boyfriends. It was nice

___________________________________

Otto’s house was really nice. It was a three story craftsman, the outside painted a robin’s egg blue with navy trim. There were gardens full of farm plants and flowers, they would have been absolutely gorgeous in the springtime. The inside was just as nice, although there was a tangible vibe shift as soon as you walked in the door. It was homey and warm on the inside, fuzzy carpets on dark hardwood floors, walls covered in pictures of the little family. Otto blushed a little and tugged him down the hall when Awsten paused to look at a picture of what must have been Otto’s first day of kindergarten. He dutifully followed, but filed the picture into the back of his mind. He wanted to know everything about his soulmates, everything that he’d missed out on so far. 

They wound up at a circular wooden table in the dining room, Lisa placing mugs of chai tea lattes (Awsten had no clue how she made them so fast) in front of all of them before sitting down herself. Awsten braced himself, knowing that there was a barrage of questions coming, and that he’d have to answer them if he wanted to stay in Lisa’s good books. But no questions came. They all just sat in companionable silence, sipping at their tea, Otto squeezing Awsten’s hand under the table. Awsten just sat there, blinking, stupefied by how respectful of boundaries Otto’s mom seemed to be. No adult had ever prioritized his comfort like that before. It was always either neglect or aggressive prying. He squinched his eyes shut, exasperation flooding through him as he felt tears prickle against his eyes yet again. He could feel Geoff look over at him, practically sense him start to open his mouth to ask if he was okay, but he was cut off by the sharp tone of the doorbell echoing through the house. Awsten flinched, but looked up in excitement. No matter how nervous he was for his best (and only) friends to finally meet his soulmates, he couldn’t deny how much he had missed them, or how badly he was craving one of Jawn’s hugs. 

Otto sprung out of his seat, prompting the other two boys to do the same. Lisa smiled at them and waved them off, telling them that they should come back downstairs when they started to get hungry. The three of them took off back down the hallway, skidding to a halt before the door. Otto looked over at Awsten, who froze for a second, having expected the other to have opened the door. Feeling brave, though, he shrugged it off, and hesitantly pulled open the front door. He barely had enough time to get a decent look at any of the three boys outside, before he was practically tackled to the ground by three bodies at once. Otto and Geoff jumped back a little, startled, but Awsten was too preoccupied to notice.

“I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“Awsten, you’re such a fucking dumbass.”

“I love you so much.”

“If you ever pull a stunt like that again, I will personally kick your ass, Knight.”

“We missed you.”

Muffled voices and disjointed sentences rang through the foyer. It was difficult to tell what words came from who, but it hardly mattered. The sentiment was all the same, one of love and concern and maybe a little bit of pissiness. Jack was the first one to disentangle himself from the pile on the floor, standing up awkwardly and brushing off his black sweater before turning to Otto and Geoff. The two had been silent for that whole time, just watching the interaction take place, a mixture of affection and slight alarm in their eyes. Otto flinched a little as Jack suddenly pointed at him, not really sure how this whole meeting was going to go.

“You,” he said. Otto held his breath. “You’re in first period choir with me. You’re the only guy in the soprano one section!” Geoff and Otto both smiled in relief as they registered the glee and enthusiasm in the tall boy’s voice. By then, everyone else was standing up, still all smiles. Alex was clinging to Awsten like a koala bear, but he didn’t seem to mind. In fact, Awsten was grinning harder than Otto had ever seen him. Introductions were exchanged, Alex hugged both of them, and they slowly made their way up the stairs to Otto’s room. 

Lisa smiled silently from her vantage point in the hallway. She’d watched most of the event, and she was glad to see Awsten so happy. She and Bethany had had long talks for the past couple nights, trying to figure out how they could best help him, as well as provide emotional support for Otto and maybe even Geoff while Awsten was getting better. She was less worried now, though. She’d worried that Awsten was alone, that he had no preexisting support net, but now she saw that that wasn’t true. He had what seemed like some of the best friends in the universe. All that they had to do now was to build off of the love that was already there. The kids would be alright. She knew they would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment!! i crave (haha parx reference) comments more than oxygen, and i read and try to reply to every one of them. thank you so much for reading, friends! i love you!!


	14. I want to see your face and know I made it home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am v sorry for the long wait, i know how long it's been. but life is not so great, sometimes. this one is pretty long, though, so i hope that helps make up for it. This one is literally just fluffy comfort, so enjoy.
> 
> title from Painting Flowers by All Time Low
> 
> trigger warnings:  
-talk of suicide attempt  
-talk of vomit  
-talk of overdose  
-self deprecation  
-mention of bullying

Awsten was always cold. The doctors at the hospital had told him that it was consistent malnourishment, iron deficiency, and low body fat. It was pretty unplesent to be, you know, always fucking cold. The kind of cold that starts in your bones and works its way outwards, the kind of cold that you can barely feel in your hands and feet except for a muted aching. It sucked, it really did, but Awsten was TRYING to get better. He was. But, in the meantime, it was an excellent excuse for, frankly, obscene amounts of cuddling, which Geoff and Otto were more than happy to provide. Which is why he and Geoff were currently entangled under the comforter on Otto’s bed, while Otto was out harvesting pumpkins and squash and plums (the fucking farmer) with Bethany and Lisa. Something that Awsten had caught onto pretty quick, was how transparent and trusting Geoff and Otto were with each other. Not only verbal communication, but things like the fact that Otto trusted Geoff to be alone in his room for extended periods of time. Awsten figured that this actually implied many things; Otto didn’t have much to hide from Geoff, Otto trusted Geoff not to go poking around in his stuff, and that Otto felt emotionally connected enough to Geoff to let him into his personal refuge from the outside world without supervision. 

One the one hand, it made Awsten swell with vicarious joy and maybe some sort of convoluted pride to see how healthy their relationship was. But on the other, when he was alone sometimes (which wasn’t often; Geoff and Otto had a habit of hovering. Which was fair, and also not that bad. But still.), he broke down over how he’d missed his chance to have that with them. They’d always be closer with each other than with him, and, really, that’s the way it should be. They were so in love, so perfect together in every way. Awsten was just kind of… there. Maybe supplementing their relationship a little. So yeah, it made sense. But it still kind of stung, although Awsten would never in a million years tell them and make them feel guilty and obligated to loop him in. 

“Hey,” Geoff mumbled, wiggling around slightly so that he and Awsten were face to face. Awsten didn’t think he’d ever get used to the feeling of looking him in the eyes. “Where’d you go?” Awsten hadn’t realized that he’d gotten so caught up in his spiraling that Geoff could pick up on it.

“Sorry,” he whimpered, folding in on himself a little in shame. “I didn’t mean to. I’m back now.” Geoff snaked an arm around his waist and pulled him back towards him. 

“You don’t need to apologize, sunflower,” he comforted softly. Awsten squirmed a little in happiness at the pet name. “I just want to know what’s wrong so that I can fix it for you,” he crooned into Awsten’s ear. Awsten could feel Geoff’s hot breath against hairline and the side of his neck, and a shudder ran down his body as he subconsciously cocked his head to the side just a little bit, baring his throat for the older boy. As soon as he realized what he’d been instinctually doing, he tensed and snapped his head back to where it was, probably going as red as a tomato. He cringed as he saw a knowing, self-satisfied smirk briefly fash over Geoff’s features before he went back into concerned mode. “Tell me what’s wrong,” he said in a gentle voice that left little room for argument. Awsten averted his eyes, squirming a little bit before responding. 

“It’s not a big deal,” he said quietly. “I was kind of getting myself down about how I’m kind of… secondary to you and Otto.” Geoff’s eyes widened and his jaw twitched. “And that’s okay!” Awsten rushed to say, desperately trying to seem like he was being less selfish than he was. “It’s my fault. I showed up late. I kinda deserve it. So it’s okay, I love seeing you happy, and I try my best to not be so selfish. Sorry,” he mumbled, still refusing to meet his eyes. Geoff made a strangled sound in the back of his throat and Awsten flinched, starting to draw into himself. He’d known that he’d eventually accidentally give away what a bad person he was, but he was hoping that it wouldn’t be so soon. 

“Awsten Constantine Knight,” Geoff whispered hoarsely. (When he’d learned his middle name a couple days ago, he’d found it absolutely hilarious for some fucking reason.) “How could you think that?” Awsten shrugged a little, trying to suppress a sob as he buried his face in Geoff’s chest. “We love you so much. You aren’t secondary, you never have been, I promise, not even when we didn’t know you yet. We worried about you so much, and we tried so hard to find you.” Awsten just shook his head again, his brain refusing to process the idea that maybe, just maybe, he was wanted and truly loved. “You can’t even imagine how I felt when I f-found you on that bathroom floor.” Awsten jerked his head up in shock, trying to catch Geoff’s eye. They’d never actually ventured into conversation about… that day before. Even Otto had tried to coax something out of him about it, worried about how much the trauma would impact him if he kept it all bottled up. 

“Geoff,” he muttered. He didn’t want to pressure Geoff into talking about it before he was ready, especially if he was only doing it because he felt some sort of obligation towards Awsten. He opened his mouth to tell him that they didn’t need to talk about this, but Geoff continued, cutting him off. 

“Did you know that we were actually watching out for you, even before we knew?” Awsten shook his head again, surprised. “Well, we were. When Otto talked to you that first time, he saw how obviously not okay you were, and you know what a mother hen he is. He said that he just couldn’t get you out of his head, and you have no idea how badly he wanted to help you. I didn’t understand at first, but it seemed really important to him. YOU seemed really important to him. But when he pointed you out to me, then I understood.” Geoff paused for a second. “I’ve been staring at you in Mikey’s class all year, you know.” Awsten could hear the faint grin on his face, despite the fact that his face was pressed against Geoff’s shirt again. “I think that that’s maybe why he sent me to go check on you. You know how he notices everything.”

“Geoff...” Awsten said again. He wasn’t trying to stop him, he could practically feel the tension slowly leaving Geoff’s body as he talked. He needed this. Awsten just liked the feeling of his name on his tongue, and maybe hearing it from his mouth would do something to comfort his boyfriend. Geoff barely paused at the interruption. 

“I didn’t know why I cared about you so much at the time, I just knew that I did. I knew that something was wrong. I woke up that day and nothing felt right, but I didn’t know what it was. A-and then you were just laying there. On the floor. And you were, like, convulsing, and your head was bleeding, and you were so fucking pale, and I didn’t know what had happened until I saw that you’d thrown up, and that there were pills in it. I felt like I was gonna pass out, and that was even before I’d figured it out. And, when I did, they were already coming to take you away, and I was in shock, and I just wanted to find Otto and then find you, but I couldn’t because it was class time and they’d taken you in the ambulance.” Geoff’s voice was trembling harder than Awsten had ever heard it before, but he kept going. “I couldn’t even figure out what I was feeling, because I was so fucking sad and scared because you were hurting so bad and you might have fucking died, but I was also happy in some twisted way. Because even if you did die, at least we would have found you. I cried so hard that I threw up while we were waiting for you to wake up.” Awsten could feel Geoff crying by now, and he was trying his best to hold himself together. This wasn’t about him, at least not right now. “So no, you’re not fucking secondary. We both care about you so much, and if you don’t believe me I’ll call Otto right now so he can come up here and tell you himself. I know that you’ve been hurt so badly in the past, and I can’t even comprehend what that must have been like. And I know that I can’t make you believe what I’m saying, but we’re going to love you so much that maybe you will. We have to make up for lost time, right?” Geoff smiled waterily. 

Awsten pulled his head back to look at him. They were both a mess of tears at this point, but it hardly mattered. They were both here, together. His mind was reeling, still trying to catch up and process the notion of someone caring about him, other than his very few friends, at least. They didn’t notice as their faces gravitated closer and closer to each other until their noses were practically touching. Awsten gazed up at Geoff through wet eyelashes, blinking softly. He felt calmer than he probably had in years. There was nothing but trust and adoration coursing through his veins; he felt like he was floating. 

“Awsten..” Geoff whispered, his voice soft and something that wasn’t quite a question. Awsten nodded slightly, brushing their foreheads together. Geoff’s eyes sparked at the silent confirmation. His eyelashes fluttered shut at he tilted his chin, mirroring Awsten as their lips met tenderly. 

Awsten was acutely aware of how chapped his lips were in that moment as they caught against the other’s soft ones, but Geoff didn’t seem to care. The kiss was slow and chaste at first, but the flavor of Geoff’s skin was intoxicating, and his hands were suddenly tangled in his hair, pulling him impossibly closer. Awsten was awkward and inexperienced, but it didn’t matter when he breathed in sharply through his nose as his top lip snagged lightly between Geoff’s teeth. Awsten was positive that this was what heaven felt like, that he was floating, and that life could never get any better than this. He was pushing back against Geoff so enthusiastically that their teeth clicked together when he heard a giggle coming from the doorway. They both jerked away and whirled to face the door, startled. Otto was leaning against the doorframe, a shit eating yet fond grin on his face. Awsten felt his cheeks go red.

“I see that you two are having a good time, then,” Otto laughed. Awsten buried his face in his hands as Geoff started chuckling along with him. 

“Yeah, well. You could have joined us if you weren’t too busy being a goddamn farmer,” Geoff shot back, wrapping his arm around Awsten’s waist. Otto just shook his head, still smiling. 

“Maybe later, Lisa’s going to be very offended if you don’t come down and try some of her plum pie.” Otto said. “Awsten?” he said, coaxing the younger to look up at him. “She’ll be okay if you don’t have any, though. And she’d only give you a little, anyways, we’re trying to avoid refeeding syndrome,” he added. Awsten shook his head a little.

“No, it’s fine. Pie sounds pretty good, actually.” He didn’t miss the way that the others’ faces lit up as he agreed. It was odd to see people so happy about him eating; usually people either got mad at him (his father), or stayed silent, in case they accidentally changed his mind (his friends). It had been kind of unsettling and uncomfortable at first, but he was pretty used to it by this point. It was actually kind of nice, feeling so cared about. 

He’d been staying at the Woods’ for three days, but he knew that he’d have to go home and face his dad at some point. The thought terrified him, but he kept in confined to the back of his mind. He could just think about it later. His father hadn’t texted or called him once, which was somehow so much worse than if he’d been spamming Awsten’s phone. He’d called Gracie every night since the hospital, who said that Henry had been unsettlingly quiet and calm the past few days. She’d been staying with her friends even more than usual, which Awsten was exceptionally glad about. He liked to know that she was safe when he wasn’t around to protect her. 

He snapped back to the present as Geoff practically leapt out of the bed and towards Otto, kissing him on the cheek. Awsten slunk out of bed behind him, padding up to his soulmates. Geoff smiled at him, linking their fingers together and squeezing lightly. Otto placed his lips against the top of Awsten’s head for a moment before pulling back, grabbing his arm and gently pulling them towards the stairs. They all laughed as Geoff slipped on the hardwood, almost falling on his ass (and pulling Awsten down with him).

Things would get worse. He’d have to go home, he’d have conflicts with Geoff and Otto. He’d have to go back to school and face Mikey and the kids who beat him up. But for now, he was happy. He could save the future for later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading, and not giving up on this fic after the long ass wait. ily all, you're super cool. if you enjoyed this, please comment. tell me what you liked, or what you hope will happen, or whatever. i appreciate all of it.


	15. i'm hard to love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, y'all. I'm so sorry that it took me so long to get this one up, but my mental and physical health haven't been the greatest lately. I'm back now, though, and i promise that i'll at least make an attempt to upload more regularly! thank you for putting up with me, and being so kind and understanding. Also y'all probably don't give a shit but i went to the Seattle parx concert a few weeks ago and it was absolutely amazing!! (i fell down in the pit tho and i got stomped on and got a concussion and then had a panic attack though. that part wasn't so great.) I caught one of Awsten's picks!! it says 'Waterparks eat ass' on it and i love it. and I love you all!!
> 
> chapter warnings:  
-self-esteem issues  
-implied eating disorder  
-implied abuse
> 
> chapter title from Easy To Hate by Waterparks (kinda)

Awsten was perched on the edge of Otto’s bed, watching as the other bustled around his room, getting ready for school. There was still half an hour until sunrise, but the sky was beginning to turn from black to grey beyond the curtains. 

“I’m sorry that you have to go back to school while I stay here,” Awsten whispered. He knew that everyone in the house was already awake and getting ready to start their days, but being as quiet as possible in the mornings was instinctual at this point. Back at his house, waking up his father before noon was about equivalent to a death sentence.

“Dude, I already told you that it’s fine,” Otto replied (at a normal volume). “I’m sorry that my moms wouldn’t let you go.” Bethany and Lisa had deemed him physically and mentally unfit to go back to school yet, and had called in to have him excused for at least the next few days. Even so, they were resolute that Otto and Geoff return. They’d sent Geoff back home the previous night, insisting that he needed to get ‘a good night’s sleep in his own bed for the first time in a week.’

“I really tried to convince them, you know,” Awsten grumbled. He was still worried about being a burden to the Woods, and he was loath to spend even an hour without at least the option to seeing Geoff and Otto. But Otto’s moms had been unyielding, just telling him again that he needed to heal a bit more before returning to everyday life. Unfortunately (for Awsten, at least), his new boyfriends had refused to advocate for his stability, opting to maintain a neutral stance in the argument. Because, APPARENTLY, ‘Awsten, you’re pushing yourself a bit too much, don’t you think?’ and ‘well, they ARE healthcare professionals, maybe you should listen to them.’ 

Whatever. He could just use today to prove to Lisa (who was staying home with him today) that he was the picture of health, and was ready to return to his everyday life. Otto pulled open one of his dresser drawers, grabbing a soft, black shirt from inside. (He always protested when someone called him emo, but anyone who knew him could see the repressed edginess, lurking just below the surface.) Awsten flushed red and pointedly looked away as Otto tugged his shirt off, but not before catching a glimpse of toned abs rippling below even skin, V line emphasized by the way his grey sweatpants hung easily from his healthily jutting hip bones. Otto chuckled softly.

“You really don’t have to look away, you know,” he said bluntly. “I really could not care less if you saw my body.” Awsten blushed even harder, still not removing his gaze from where it had settled on the edge of his laundry hamper. There was a pause, and Awsten could almost viscerally feel a nervous tension that hadn’t been there a second ago creep into the air. “I trust you.”

Otto’s voice was softer this time, nearly a whisper, but it still knocked Awsten back. The air in his lungs was suddenly gone, and he was sure that by now his cheeks were absolutely FLAMING. Otto wasn’t really a terribly modest person, at least not physically; he didn’t seem to have any sort of issues walking around shirtless, or leaving the door slightly cracked while he showered. But obviously he’d still be uncomfortable with someone staring directly at his body while he wasn’t fully clothed. With most people, at least. 

Awsten was certain that he hadn’t done anything to warrant this level of trust within the week and a half that he’d known Otto. He definitely wasn’t inclined to look a gift horse in the mouth (especially such an attractive one), but he couldn’t help the uncomfortable thread of guilt that crawled its way up his spine. He really didn’t deserve all of the kindness that Geoff and Otto were giving him. He was gross, a bad person, needy, worthless. He deserved all of the shitty things that had happened to him, and the good things felt SO good, but made shame echo within his skull for days. But, on the upside, it motivated him to be better. Less annoying, more helpful. He’d even started wearing a little bit of makeup, just to make him a tiny bit prettier for his boyfriends. 

Awsten could feel Otto’s eyes on the back of his neck, and he slowly looked back up to meet them. The adoration in his gaze was a little startling, but it quickly morphed to concern. Awsten hadn’t even realized that tears had begun to leak from his eyes until his soulmate crossed over to him in two long steps, kneeling swiftly in front of him. 

“What’s up, Awsten?” Otto murmured, placing his hands on the sides of his face and using his thumbs to wipe the moisture from his cheeks. “Did I say something wrong?” Awsten shook his head quickly, not wanting Otto to blame himself for his damage. 

“No,” he said hoarsely. “I just…” he hesitated. “I know that I don’t deserve you and Geoff. You two are just so beautiful, and good, and I’m so.. not. I’m just kind of clingy and gross, and I’m always making you guys look after me, and, just. I don’t deserve your trust,” he finished, choking back a sob. He barely had time to take a breath and try to collect some amount of composure before Otto was sweeping him into a hug so tight that it knocked the wind out of his lungs. 

“Awsten,” he breathed into his ear, breath tickling his neck. “Stop SAYING things like that. I know that you don’t like yourself, and I know that people have been horrible to you in the past, but Geoff and I LOVE you. We love your personality and your kindness and how adorable you are, but even if we didn’t love all of the little things about you, we’d, like, physically HAVE to love you, there wouldn’t be a way around it, you’re our soulmate.” By the time Otto finally pulled away from Awsten, his eyes were watery. Awsten was far gone, though, tears cascading down his cheeks and dripping onto his baggy black t-shirt. 

Awsten started to open his mouth to apologize again for upsetting Otto, but just then Bethany’s voice rang out from the bottom of the stairs, impatiently reminding Otto that, ‘if you want a ride to school you need to be down here in the next minute or you’re walking.’ Otto looked apologetically at Awsten before kissing him quickly and yanking the nearest shirt over his head.

“Are you gonna be okay?” he asked gently, swinging one the strap of his backpack over a single shoulder. His hand hovered over the doorknob as he looked expectantly at him. Awsten nodded, receiving one of acknowledgements from his boyfriend before he opened the door and started to leave.

“I love you,” Awsten said under his breath, barely more than a whisper. He could feel his blush all the way up to his forehead. Geoff and Otto had told him that they loved him at least once a say since he’d been staying with them, but he’d never actually said it back. He’d hoped that it went without saying, and it seemed like it had. They’d never seemed confused or annoyed by the way he went silent whenever they told him, but correctly interpreted his minuscule smiles as subtle reciprocation. Otto paused for a moment in the doorway, shoulders visibly tensing, before relaxing again. Awsten could hear the smile on his face as he didn’t turn around.

“I love you, too,” he said, practically glowing. He walked down the stairs, socked feet clomping loudly against the hardwood. And that was that.

Awsten was almost glad for the way that Otto hadn’t made it seem like the huge step forward that it was. It was like he could sense that he was already self conscious enough as it was, and knew not to make it worse than it had to be. Awsten flopped back onto the mattress, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. He stared giddily up at the ceiling for what could have been thirty seconds or an hour, before Lisa knocked gently at the door to Otto’s room, waiting for a confirmation before pushing open the door.

“I made fruit salad and yogurt,” she said in a soft, yet cheery voice. “Why don’t you come down?” Awsten nodded into the blankets, before sitting up. (He still marveled at how EASY it was to do simple things like move his body now. He didn’t really know if it was the food, or the emotional nourishment, but he’d be lying if he said that he didn’t relish it.) If Lisa saw the tear tracks on his face, she didn’t mention them, only smiled at him before turning and making her way back downstairs. 

Awsten paused for a moment before standing up, basking in how shockingly good he felt in the moment. Geoff and Otto would be back soon-ish, and maybe they’d all watch a movie and cuddle or something. He ignored the unpleasant feeling that things were going to be bad again soon, and rose to his feet. Today, he decided, was a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you liked it! not to sound pushy, but please leave a comment!! they help me to thrive and continue to update. ily!!


	16. You're a regular decorated emergency

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aight we're back thanks for putting up with all of my horseshit. i reallyreallyreally appreciate y'all for sticking with this absolute trainwreck of a story, you have no idea how much it means to me. 
> 
> i'd like to especially thank and dedicate this chapter to toxic_fox, who read through this story and commented on seven different chapters!! how sick is that?? anyways, ily, thank you so much, it was mostly you who fueled me to finish and publish this one. It's really rough, but it hope that you like it!!
> 
> anyhow, warnings for this chapter are  
-panic attacks  
-parental abuse (none actually takes place, but it's a really big factor in this one)  
-self harm  
-mention of suicide attempts
> 
> chapter title from Camisado by Panic! At The Disco.

The day that Awsten was deemed fit to return to school, was the same day that his father finally contacted him for the first time since the attempt. 

Awsten wouldn’t say that he’d forgotten about Henry, or that he’d been lulled into a false sense of security about it. He doubted that that was even possible after so many years of the treatment that he’d endured. But that certainly didn’t mean that he was prepared for it to happen. 

It wasn’t even all that it was happening in the first place, but how unsettlingly NORMAL it felt. Not normal for his father, but normal in general. Other people’s normal. The text was there when he woke up, a lone message sent at 6:27am. Only nine words, innocuous without context. ‘I think it’s time for you to come home’. Only nine words to send Awsten into the throws of his first panic attack since the hospital, biting down hard on his wrist to prevent any noise from escaping him as he struggled to get out of bed without waking Otto. 

The moment he was disentangled from the blankets, he was stumbling out of the bedroom and flying downstairs as quietly as he had the presence of mind to be. He removed his arm from between his teeth to open the front door, only then realizing the substantial amount of blood in his mouth. The sidewalk was damp on his socked feet as he cringed and wiped his sleeve across his tongue in an attempt to get the bitter taste out. 

Henry wanted him to go back, he wanted him to come back to him. He wanted him to go back to the house, walk in the door, see him. 

He was running. He didn’t know where to, but he was running so fast that he could feel his heartbeat in his ears and bile in the back of his throat, but he couldn’t stop because he had to get AWAY. He was only a block from Jawn’s house when his knees gave out and he went limp against the ground.

It wasn’t exactly raining as Awsten lay there, but it had been earlier in the night, and there were still droplets of water making their way down lazily from the clouds. The sky was dark, but the pitch black was starting it’s gradual shift into the brown-grey-blue of an overcast dawn. He wasn’t facing the road, and he didn’t think that he’d be able to turn over if he tried, but every once in a while he could hear the damp, muted roar of a car passing, people on their way to early morning jobs or coming home from night shifts. None of them slowed or stopped to see if Awsten was alright, which he was mostly grateful for. 

He wasn’t sure how long he had been laying there, but after a while, he remembered that his best friend was only five houses away. Jawn would understand, Jawn would have some idea of what to do. Jawn knew about almost everything with Awsten’s father, and had been a refuge countless times in the past, even letting Gracie stay over in the guest bedroom with no hesitation if either of them asked. 

Awsten knew that he couldn’t just lay there forever. Despite the fact that he lived over two miles away from Jawn, and that the chances of Henry deciding to go looking for him at six thirty in the morning were impossibly slim, his paranoia was reaching a fever pitch and he just wanted to hide. And besides, he had dropped his phone on Otto’s floor after waking up and seeing the text, and didn’t have a way to call Otto and reassure him that he wasn’t dead or kidnapped. 

He remained motionless on the abrasive pavement for a few more minutes, just trying to gather the physical and mental strength required to get up and walk the fifty feet to his best friend’s front door. After a deep, shaky breath, he slowly rose to his feet, ignoring the headrush that came with the movement. He couldn’t seem to stop glancing over his shoulder and scanning the area as he walked unsteadily around the side of Jawn’s house, grateful for the millionth time that his room was on the first floor. 

Awsten knew that Jawn’s parents would let him in happily if he came to their front door, even at this hour. They’d made it clear that he was welcome at their house at any time, no matter the circumstance. Awsten had never told either of them about what it was like for him at home, but he had a feeling that Jawn had told them at least some of it. They never said anything, just encouraged sleepovers a little TOO enthusiastically and exchanged what they probably thought were subtle glances whenever Awsten mentioned Henry. So he knew that Jay and Allison would be happy to see him if he came to the door, but he also knew that, if he did, there would be absolutely no escape from their well-intentioned fussing. So, he’d just go straight to Jawn’s window like usual. 

Awsten tapped gingerly on the glass a few times before pausing and waiting anxiously. Jawn had stressed to him over and over again that Awsten didn’t have to worry about waking him up, because he was an insomniac and would most likely wake up on his own within twenty minutes of any given moment of sleep, and even if he didn’t he’d much rather be there for Awsten than get the ten minutes of sleep that he’d miss by waking up to let him in and make sure that he was okay. But that didn’t mean that Awsten didn’t feel bad about coming over unexpectedly at such weird hours as often as he did. 

He didn’t have much time to ruminate on his guilt, however, before the window was pushed open from the inside, revealing a tired looking Jawn. Despite how shitty he felt in pretty much every way at the moment, a small part of Awsten lit up at the sight of his oldest friend rubbing the sleep from his eyes and stifling a yawn, red hair sticking up wildly all over his head.

Awsten watched Jawn's eyes transition quickly from half-asleep to confused and concerned as the younger boy extended a hand out the window to help him inside. 

“Dude, what’s wrong? Why are you here?” Jawn asked urgently. 

He didn’t get an answer, instead getting an armful of crying best friend. Awsten had sunk his teeth into his wrist again, probably getting blood on Jawn’s thin t-shirt. The strangled sobs that still managed to escape his mouth were muffled by Jawn’s chest, filling the room with weird little noises and cold air from the open window. 

Despite how jarred and baffled he was, Jawn only wrapped his arms tightly around Awsten and buried his face in his hair, allowing them to rock silently back and forth. After a few minutes of just hugging, Jawn braced himself carefully as he noticed Awsten’s breathing start to pick up, knowing what was coming. Sure enough, almost as soon as the panic attack hit, Awsten’s legs buckled and gave out. Jawn was ready though (this had happened before), and strategically swept an arm under his knees, his other hand splayed out across his back. There was a moment of awkward maneuvering onto the bottom bunk of the bed before Jawn relinquished a bit of his hold on Awsten. 

Jawn wasn’t a stranger to Awsten having attacks in front of him, but it still ripped him apart every time. It had gotten a bit better after a while, once he figured out how to best handle them, but it was still awful to see one on the people you care about most in the world melt down and rip into their own flesh, seemingly unable to distinguish panicked delusion from reality. His face was pulled into a creased frown as he rubbed Awsten’s back slowly, murmuring comforting nonsense at him. It took him a moment to notice Awsten’s wrist in his mouth and the bit of blood that was smeared across his cheek. He internally swore once he did, and gently took Awsten’s hand in his own and tugged it away from his face. 

It took around fifteen minutes of Awsten hyperventilating limply on a messy pile of blankets before he started to get ahold of himself, during which time Jawn had stealthily grabbed his phone from the nightstand, disarming his alarm so that the noise didn’t scare Awsten and sending a quick, vague “aws is safe” text to Otto and Geoff. He didn’t know why Awsten was back here all of a sudden when he’d seemed so, unbelievably happy (at least by his standards) just a few days before, and he wasn’t sure if it involved his soulmates, so he didn’t want to say too much without asking his friend first. But he also knew that, even if they had gotten in a fight or something, Otto and Geoff would probably be frantic if they didn’t know where he went. If Maxx were to try to kill himself twice consecutively and then disappear a week later, god knows how bad Jawn would lose his shit.

He had been starting to glaze over, but quickly jerked back to reality when Awsten started to stir a bit. Now confidant that his friend wouldn’t panic or hurt himself if he fully detached himself for a moment, Jawn rose from the mattress momentarily to grab a box of tissues and a half-full glass of water from the dresser, offering them silently to Awsten. 

The brunette looked up at him with red, dazed eyes that took a moment to actually focus on the items being presented to him. He sniffled quietly before taking the glass, allowing Jawn to help guide it part of the way towards his face to make sure he didn’t drop it. He blinked slowly after taking a few shallow sips of the water, faintly noticing how it spread the taste of blood around his entire mouth. There were a few beats of silence before Jawn spoke.

“Awsten, what happened? Why aren’t you at Otto’s?” His voice was soft and laced with concern, but still gently demanded an answer. Awsten allowed himself to ragdoll against the bedspread again and shut his eyes before replying.

“Henry texted me,” he said scratchily. He could feel Jawn stiffen beside him, as well as an alarming change in the atmosphere as his words hit. “He wants me to come home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyways yeah that one was really short and pretty choppy, but i hope that you liked it anyways!! if you did, please leave a comment and let me know! i cherish every one that i get, really. I'll see you next chapter, hopefully with something more substantial!! thank you all so much!!
> 
> ((don't tell anyone but every time i update i check my email like every ten minutes to see if i got any comments. it's not even funny, guys.))


	17. i will sing you to sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again, y'all!! Coming up this chapter we've got quite a bit of Geoff and Otto, because i thought that they deserved a little screentime and dynamic establishment. I'm actually really proud of this one, and i really hope that you guys like it! thank you again for being so loving and patient with this story, please enjoy!!
> 
> chapter title from The Light Behind Your Eyes by My Chemical Romance.
> 
> chapter warnings:  
-anxiety attacks  
-minor reference to possible self harm, suicide, or abuse  
-non-sexual nudity

When Otto woke up without Awsten next to him, to say that he panicked wouldn’t even begin to describe it. The first thing he noticed, was that there was still an indent where he had been sleeping, but it had gone cold in the absence of a body to warm it. The second thing he noticed, was that the door was ajar by several feet, which wouldn’t have been a huge deal if it was just him. But he’d figured out pretty early on that Awsten couldn’t relax to any extent if he felt too exposed, and that there was no way in hell that he’d be able to sleep without the door firmly latched. The third thing he noticed was Awsten’s cracked and outdated Android off of the charger and laying on the floor, almost out of sight under the dresser. 

And sure, maybe Awsten was just in the bathroom and had accidentally dropped his phone along the way. But something in Otto’s mind was screaming WRONGWRONGWRONG so loudly that it deafened anything but his intuition and the soulbond. Awsten wasn’t here. He was gone, and there were any number of horrible things that he could be doing to himself or that others could be doing to him. He didn’t even notice his hands, trembling with adrenaline, pressing Geoff’s contact until his boyfriend’s voice, husky with sleep, cut through the distinctly Awsten-less room. 

“Otto?” Geoff mumbled roughly. “What time is it? Are you okay?”

“Awsten is gone,” Otto blurted out. Tears were beginning to swim in the corners of his vision, and his voice had taken on a thick tone.

“What? What do you mean ‘Awsten is gone’?” Geoff’s voice was becoming more awake and more alarmed with every word. Otto could hear what sounded like the rustle of blankets as his boyfriend sat up over the speaker. 

“I woke up and he wasn’t here. I don’t know where he is or if he’s okay or why he left or anything, and I’m scared Geoff.” Otto paused for a moment, mind racing. “What if he’s going to hurt himself again?” he whispered, voice breaking as he voiced the fear that had been shrieking through his head since he woke up. There was another beat of silence before Geoff spoke.

“Um.” he said, alarm now saturating even the single syllable. “Have you told your moms? Maybe they’d be able to help.” There was more rustling from Geoff’s end, followed by the faint sound of a drawer being pulled open. “I’m coming over.” 

“I can’t tell them,” he responded to Geoff’s first statement. “They’d call the police, and I really think that that should be a last-resort option. I don’t think that he’d react very well at all to being hunted down by a bunch of cops at all.”

“Oh. Yeah, that’s a good point.” Another pause. “So what do we do?” Otto didn’t even know what he was going to say as a plan tumbled from his lips, his idea foreign even to him. 

“We should call his friends,” he said, infinitely more firmly than he actually felt. “And ask if any of them know where he is. We can call Gracie, too, if none of them know.”

“Okay. yeah, alright, that’s a g-” Geoff was cut off by Otto’s phone buzzing loudly on his ear. Otto pulled it away from his face, startled, and looked down at the screen. His knees nearly gave out beneath him (when had he gotten outside?) as he read ‘from: Jawn (Awsten): aws is safe’ 

“Oh, thank god,” Otto choked out. He was caught off guard by the relieved sob that forced its way up his throat, and a surprised giggle escaped his lips. 

“-tto. Otto! Did you get Jawn’s text?” Geoff’s voice broke through the emotional haze that clouded Otto’s head. He nodded vigorously before remembering that he couldn’t see him.

“Y-yeah. Yeah, I did. Oh thank god,” he repeated. He paused a little as his face tried to decide whether to collapse in on itself, or shatter from smiling so much. “Should we call Jawn? Obviously he knows what’s going on.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. But don’t yet, I’m still on my way over. I’m going to help you calm down a little bit before we call, is that alright?” Geoff said, just loud enough to be heard over the sounds of the early morning streets and the ticking of his turn signal. “I’m about four minutes away,” he added. 

“Yeah. Okay.” The adrenaline was beginning to drain from Otto’s system, and he could feel himself beginning to droop and his mind begin to liquify into what was probably soon to be an absolute mess of tears stemming from nothing but detached sadness and fear. He was glad that Geoff was still coming over. His brain was fogging back over, and it was almost like his boyfriend could sense it, as he ceased to say things that would require a coherent reply. 

It only felt like seconds before Geoff’s secondhand Subaru was pulling up in front of the house, parking in a manner that would have been a little too haphazard for Otto’s taste if he’d been in any other headspace. And then Geoff was there, collecting him into his arms in a way that was just between tender and reassuringly strong, and it took all of his effort not to break down then and there.

“What are you doing out here, love?” Geoff murmured against Otto’s now slightly misted-on curls. “You aren’t even wearing shoes, you’ll catch your death!” And there it was. The pure, unadulterated concern and love in Geoff’s voice seemed to pull open a door somewhere in Otto’s brain, and then he was sobbing into Geoff’s shoulder, so hard that no sound escaped him except for muffled gasps. 

“I love you,” he choked out. “I love you, I love you, I love you so fucking much.” He wouldn’t even have been sure that the words made it past his mouth, if it hadn’t been for the way that Geoff’s grip tightened and the way he buried his face even deeper into Otto’s hair. He didn’t respond, but it was unimportant. Words weren’t always necessary to communicate emotion. 

Neither of them was sure how long they spent standing there, only that the sky was orange by the time that they moved. Otto was still crying as they walked back up the porch, but it had slowed to slowly rolling tears and little hiccups now and then. The door was hanging open a little bit, and they could see the soft glow of a bedside lamp leaking past the curtains of his parents’ room. Geoff latched the door near-silently behind them as they slowly made their way back upstairs (Otto wasn’t entirely confident in the structural stability of his knees at that particular moment.). 

“Let’s take a shower, yeah?” Geoff said softly at the top of the stairs “and then we’ll call Jawn.” Otto nodded, sniffling a bit. 

The older boy gently guided him into the bathroom and sat him down on the lid of the toilet seat before disappearing for a moment to grab three clean towels (Otto’s hair was long and thick enough that it was basically a whole person and required it’s own towel) from the linen closet outside. He set them down on the counter before turning to the bathtub and turning on the water, testing it with his hand to make sure it was warm without being burning. 

There was no heat in the situation as Geoff stripped off his clothes and folded them neatly next to the towels, before helping Otto do the same. The kiss that he placed gently on his lips was lingering but shallow, full of nothing but gentle affection. The water was hot against Otto’s back as he carefully stepped into the shower. He could feel his shoulders start to loosen almost instantly, and he sighed softly, relaxing some of his weight back onto Geoff’s firm chest. 

“Do you want me to wash your hair?” Geoff offered quietly. Otto’s moms didn’t know that he was here yet, and he didn’t think that either of them were emotionally equipped to deal with well-meaning greetings and small talk yet. Otto nodded gratefully; his arms felt like lead hanging limply at his sides, too heavy to lift and utilize. The steam in the air smelled like green apple and coconut as his soulmate’s hands tenderly massaged his scalp, seeming to relish in the caregiving. 

After a while, when the water began to run cold and Geoff noticed goosebumps beginning to creep along Otto’s arms, he turned the faucet off and wrapped them both in the soft linens that were waiting for them. He wordlessly toweled off Otto’s hair and shoulders before scooping his clothes from the counter and leading Otto across the hall back to his room. 

“Do you want to call Jawn and see if Awsten’s doing alright right now, or do you want to cuddle a little bit, first?” Geoff immediately regretted the way that he had phrased the question as he felt Otto tense beside him, and rushed to correct himself. “Jawn’s taking good care of him, I know he is. It’s alright if you need a few more minutes before you’re ready to jump back into it, that’s not selfish and it doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad boyfriend, it just means that you’re taking care of you. You want me to take care of me, right?” Otto nodded slightly. “And you want Awsten to take care of Awsten?” Another nod. “Right. And we want you to take care of you. BOTH of us, Awsten included.” Otto was silent for a few more beats, and Geoff was starting to consider elaborating further before his voice interrupted, soft and cracked.

“Cuddle a bit.” Geoff smiled at the three words, thankful that Otto wasn’t going to be too stubborn or self-sacrificing about this. 

“Okay,” he replied simply, moving the bedsheets and laying down, wordlessly inviting Otto to do the same. 

The blankets were cold at first, but warmed up quickly as they lay there, tangled in each other’s arms. Otto’s breathing was starting to level out drowsily, and Geoff didn’t think that he’d ever been more thankful for the two-hour late start on Fridays. Lisa and Bethany were beginning to bustle around downstairs, the noises of the coffee grinder and quiet voiced softened by the two landings between them. It was morning, and something had happened, but they were all safe. There were still questions that they had, and answers that they needed, but they could wait just a little while longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, i really hope that you enjoyed reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it!! you might have noticed, but i'm updating a bit more frequently again! if you're interested/worried, we figured out that most of the shit with the deterioration of my mental and physical health was a result of an exacerbation of my asthma, which kind of sucks because breathing is nice. but i went to my cardiologist, and my treatment regimen has been updated! (i got some new steroid inhalers and a more structured scale for when to use my rescue to keep it from getting too bad.) So now my oxygen levels won't be so low all of the time, and hopefully i start working again!! which means more updates! yay!
> 
> anyways, thank you all so much for reading and commenting on and supporting this story! i really do read every single comment (i actually save them all to a folder in my email so i can look at them when i'm feeling sad or unmotivated), and they make me so happy! they really do help fuel my creative drive, especially longer ones that are more specific. but short ones are absolutely wonderful, too!
> 
> okay, i love you all, see you next chapter!!!


	18. stay with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for this chapter:  
-talk of abuse  
-mention of rape

Considering all of the fuss that he had put up about not being allowed to go to school, it was ironic that Awsten would now rather die than leave Jawn’s house. Jawn was wonderful and understanding, and had pressed him for explicit verbal permission before he called Geoff and Otto and told them that Awsten was with him. He was ninety percent sure that he’d also sent them a text or two about how they were NOT ALLOWED to act angry at Awsten in any way, shape or form. He would have been a little miffed at Jawn’s suspected meddling if he hadn’t been so thankful. Jinxx, the Rochas’ retriever mix, was a therapy dog, and had come nosing into Jawn’s room a few hours ago, probably smelling the distress radiating out from under the door. 

“She’s just so SOFT,” Awsten whispered, still exhausted and afraid, but feeling just a bit better. He was nervous around most dogs after one of his father’s friends had brought over his EXTREMELY poorly trained Rottweiler when Awsten was in sixth grade, but he could spend hours with Jinxx. She never licked, and he’d only ever seen her bark once, when Jay had accidentally stepped on her tail. Jawn just grinned and shook his head a little, not looking up from his phone. He’d heard some variant of this speech countless times, and it was really just kind of funny at this point. Of course he was devastated that Awsten had so few calming, nice things in his life that he felt the need to comment in wonder every single time he encountered one. Of course he was. And maybe it was fucked up that he got used to it after a while, but he had. 

“Geoff says that he and Otto are going to be here in around ten minutes,” Jawn announced from the bed. “Is it okay if Maxx comes over, too? Me and him could just chill in the living room while you talk to them, you don’t even have to see him if you don’t want to.” Awsten finally looked up from the dog at his friend.

“Dude, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, but I literally do not mind AT ALL if you hang out with Maxx.” Jawn, and Jack and Alex for that matter, had gotten a lot less irritating with the whole refusing to even say the word ‘soulmate’ around Awsten thing, which was a relief. But it seemed like old habits died hard, because he still got a bit weird while talking about Maxx. “You’ve essentially refused to let me even meet him more than once or twice, and I KNOW that your intentions were good, but, contrary to what you may believe, I care love you and care about the things that are important to you. And besides, I fully intend to be Best Man at your wedding, and I can’t exactly do that if I don’t even know the man you’re marrying. So, yes, for the love of god, invite Maxx over.” Jawn looked a little caught off guard by the way Awsten had suddenly gone off.

“Er. Yeah, okay,” he said sheepishly, returning his attention to texting. He clicked his screen off and paused for a couple of seconds after typing for a few seconds. “I’m sorry about that, by the way,” he said quietly, looking down at his hands as he twiddled with his pop socket. “We were really just trying to not make you feel shitty, promise. We just, we knew that, even if you pretended that you didn’t mind, you were always really upset about not having a soulmate. I mean, of course you had one- or two, but you didn’t know them.” He was rambling a bit now, but Awsten was pretty sure that he should just let him say what he needed to say. “I know that you always told everyone that you didn’t WANT to meet them, but I’m pretty sure that you didn’t actually manage to fool anyone except yourself with that one. You always refused to talk to anyone about it, and we didn’t really know how to help you. So we- we just decided to stay as far away from the topic as possible around you, which I guess maybe wasn’t the best solution. With Jack and Alex it was a little different, of course, because they’re together. They still were always constantly making out and stuff, but they always made an effort to not really TALK about the whole ‘soulmates’ thing. It just- you, know, whatever. I’m really sorry if it ever annoyed you or hurt your feelings, we were just trying to help, I promise.” Jawn took a shaky breath in as he reached the end of his rant, still not looking back at Awsten.

“I know,” were the first words out of Awsten’s mouth in response. “I appreciate it, I really do. I know that I refused to communicate and that I blocked it all off and that I told myself that it wasn’t an issue, and that you were all doing the best you could to keep me safe. It’s not your fault that I never told you how to actually go about that. I’m serious, though, I really do want to get to know Maxx, and listen to you talk about him and stuff. I think you underestimate how happy it makes me to see you happy.” 

Jawn smiled gratefully, and started to open his mouth as if to reply before the sound of the doorbell chimed through the house. He had told everyone that it was okay to come in through the front, because his parents had both already left for work during the time that Awsten had taken to recover from his attack. The high schoolers were the only ones who got a half-day on fridays. The bigger boy leapt up and started out of the room, announcing ‘I’ll get it’ on the way out. Awsten let him, assuming that he wanted to say a few things to Geoff and Otto before they saw Awsten. Sure enough, he could hear three sets of footsteps stop a few feet into the house, followed by a flurry of whispers. He stood up and walked over to the mirror above Jawn’s dresser, snagging the wide-tooth comb laying next to it and doing his best to make himself just a little more presentable before they got to the room. He managed to tame his hair to a manageable degree and rub a tiny bit of the redness from his eyes before he gave up and sat gingerly on the edge of the bed.

Otto was the first one through the doorway, and if there was anything that Awsten hadn’t been expecting, it was the dry sob that bubbled from his throat as soon as they made eye contact. 

“Awsten,” Otto breathed, practically crashing into him. “I love you so much. We were so, so worried,” he mumbled into his ear. Awsten slowly wrapped his arms around his back, thrown off by the unexpected surge of emotion from the other. Guilt welled up in his throat as he felt Otto start to shake in his arms, and tears started to prickle at the backs of his eyes again. 

“I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking,” he said, voice thick with emotion. “I- I don’t know if Jawn told you what happened” -here he glanced up to see Jawn making a half-shrug and a slightly twisted expression that Awsten interpreted as ‘kind of’- “but I just got really, really scared and I don’t think that I even realized that I’d left until I was halfway here. I would have called, but I left my phone somewhere. I’m so, so sorry.” At the mention of his phone, Geoff started a bit and stepped forward, fishing the device out of his pocket. 

“Oh. Um, yeah, we found it under Otto’s dresser,” he said awkwardly before sitting next to them and cautiously wrapping his arms around the two. “Jawn told us that there was something with your dad, and that you had a trauma response and a panic attack and wound up here. But that’s all,” he explained. Awsten took a deep breath in, bracing himself. 

“Okay. Okay, I think that there’s some stuff that I should explain.” He tried to relax his tense shoulders, attempting to convince his body that he was safe and didn’t have anything to be afraid of right now. “Jawn,” he added, “Maxx will probably be here soon. I’d like to hang out with him, but maybe just stay in the living room with him until I’m done?” he suggested.

“Yeah, of course,” his friend agreed immediately. 

“Alright. Okay, here we go.” He gently disentangled himself from his soulmates as he prepared to start talking, giving Otto a quick kiss on the cheek before scooting back towards the center of the bed. “I’ve told you guys about how my father hasn’t really been the nicest to me or my sister. I.. I kind of left some things out, though. My mom left when I was really little. She and my dad were soulmates, but sometimes things go wrong, and she just got too tired of it all, I guess. I haven’t seen her since. After that, he got.. different from how he used to be. He started getting drunk and high all of the time, and he was always angry. He, um. He started hitting me sometimes, but it got worse as I got older. He’d like, beat me up and burn me and let his friends… do things to me and stuff. I probably could have avoided some of it, but I always always ALWAYS stood in for Gracie whenever I could. She’s younger, and she’s always been even smaller than me, and I think that she couldn’t take getting beat up as well as I can. Besides, if his drinking buddies are so willing to force me to give them blowjobs, I can only imagine what they’d do to her.” Awsten laughed bitterly.

“It’s okay, though. I can take it, I have for years. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t hate it. And it’s been really nice to be staying with Otto and his family, because it’s safe and people care about me there. But this morning, he texted me and told me that I need to come home. I knew that it would happen eventually, and that even if it didn’t, I’d go back on my own volition to make sure that Gracie isn’t getting too hurt. But I wasn’t expecting it, and I kind of freaked out and ran off, and I’m really, REALLY sorry for worrying you guys.” Awsten took a deep, shuddering breath at the end of his tale, chancing a glance up at Geoff and Otto. The shame redoubled at the identical looks of absolute horror in their eyes. He wanted to apologize again, but he wasn’t sure if his voice would obey him. 

“Oh my god, Awsten…” Geoff choked out, clearly at a loss for words. “I.. we had no idea, I’m so, so, so sorry.” Otto was crying again, silently this time, but his shoulders trembling in distress. 

At some point during Awsten’s speech, Jawn had gotten up and left to let Maxx in, leaving the three alone in the room. They sat wordlessly for a few minutes, Otto and Geoff clearly trying to process and Awsten just not knowing what to say. Anxiety was quietly building in his temples until he cracked, unable to stomach the silence anymore. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but Otto jumped in before he could get anything else.

“No. You’re not going back there. Awsten you can’t, he’s going to hurt you again. Gracie can come stay with us, if we explain to my moms, they won’t care. Or you could live with Geoff if you’d rather not stay with me, but you are NOT going back to him.” he spat the last word with a venom that Awsten had never heard in his voice before.

“Otto, I have to,” he sighed. “He’s not above tracking me down, or even hurting any of you for that matter. It’ll be easiest if I just listen to him.” Awsten registered the building rage in Otto’s eyes and hurried to add “I’ll still come over to your houses and hang out with you guys all the time! And I’ll call and text a lot, don’t worry.” The curly-haired boy looked like he was about to explode, but Geoff gently touched his arm and took over his side of the conversation.

“Awsten, you CANNOT tell us that you’re getting horrifically abused by your father and then tell us not to worry, or to just let you walk right back into that environment. Otto’s right, you can’t go back. We’ll figure something else. Fuck, I’m ready to put that monster in prison as soon as you give me permission to report him. And there are more of us than there are of him. We won’t let him take you, and we won’t let him hurt us.” Awsten started to protest, but Geoff didn’t let him. “I’m sorry, and I respect you and your wishes, but this is non-negotiable. Abuse looks different to the people inside of it, and your judgement isn’t accurate right now. I’m sorry if I’m being harsh, but this needs to be said.” Awsten slumped in defeat. He wasn’t going to win this one, at least not right now. 

“Okay,” he muttered. “Let me call Gracie. I should tell her that she needs to bring some clothes and stuff with her to school because she’s not going to be home for a while.” Geoff and Otto both relaxed a bit, relieved at Awsten’s compliance. 

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. We’ll pick her up after school, okay?” Awsten nodded in response, reaching for his phone on the comforter beside him. “After you tell her, do you need a second, or do you want to go hang out with Jawn and.. his soulmate until we have to leave?” 

“Maxx,” Awsten corrected as he dialed his sister. “And let’s just hang out with them, I really don’t need to sit here and think about this.” Geoff nodded and grabbed Otto’s hand. 

“Okay, we’ll wait in the living room.”

This wasn’t how Awsten had expected his day to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long wait!! but we're here now, and i think that this one's okay! I really hope that you enjoyed it, if you did, PLEASE leave a comment! I read and try to reply to every single one. thank you so much for reading! see you next time!!!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the wait is over!! this is messy and unproofread because my process is hellish, but it's here! thank you all so much for being so patient and understanding with me, i appreciate you all so much. 
> 
> this chapter is just pure fuckin fluff. kinda filler-y, but next up we've got Awsten's reunion with Mikey and Awsten starting therapy, and i also wanted to give some Maxx content and introduce Geoff's house as a setting, but I didn't want to cram it all into one chapter. hence, this. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!

Turns out, Maxx was actually a really cool guy. Not that Awsten had had any doubt that he would be, but people in general put him on edge. He seemed like he would have been a touchy person if he hadn’t picked up on the younger’s don’t-touch-me-without-explicit-consent vibe, and it was nice to feel like his boundaries were being respected. Instead, he’d given a friendly nod, throwing out a ‘hey, man,’ like they hung out on a regular basis. And that was that. Jawn had gotten out Jenga while they were talking, and was sitting criss-cross applesauce on the floor in front of a half-built tower. Awsten didn’t really like Jenga that much (loud noises scared him a bit), but he owed Jawn. And besides, he was a sucker for his best friend’s puppy eyes. 

Awsten’s suspicions about Maxx being touch-oriented were confirmed when he plopped himself down on Jawn’s lap as soon as the Jenga tower was finished, hooking an arm around his neck and looking across the carpet at Awsten.

“So, you ready for finals?” he asked casually. Awsten paused for a moment, slightly caught off guard by the thought of testing. 

“Probably not, actually,” he said quietly. “I’ve been out of school for a while. I probably missed some stuff.” He hesitated, considering his audience, before powering forward with a joke. “And besides, focusing on schoolwork is hard when you’re more chemically imbalanced than the equations you get in science class.” Awsten felt a swell of pride and belonging as a laugh rippled through the room, and a smile tugged at the corners of his lips. Feeling brave, he even volunteered to go first in the game. 

  
  


An hour and a half slipped by so quickly that if you blinked, you’d miss it. As much as they’d all like to just stay where they were, chattering about nothing important and sneaking kisses onto cheeks, the end of the semester was quickly approaching, and no one wanted to miss any potential important assignments. Besides, Awsten had already been out for so long that his teachers were bound to be curious, and they expected him back today. Maxx was the only visitor who’d been present enough to bring his backpack to Jawn’s, so the other three had to leave earlier to swing by Geoff and Otto’s houses. Awsten felt tears unexpectedly prickle at the backs of his eyes again as Jawn pulled him in for a goodbye hug, but he pushed them down. He was done crying for today. 

Awsten had never really been to Geoff’s house before. Once he’d learned where it was, he’d discovered that it was between his and Jack’s houses, and that he’d walked past it countless times before, but paid little attention to it. Although, after he thought about it, he’d been able to conjure up vague memories of feeling an odd magnetism towards it and its neighbors. He’d felt some nerves about visiting for the first time, but it mostly dissipated when Geoff had reassured him that his moms shouldn’t still be home. Jess and Elizabeth knew about him, he knew that. Geoff had said that he’d told them all about Awsten (all good things and basic backstory stuff), and that they were excited to meet him, but would wait until he was ready. He was still getting used to people prioritizing his comfort and boundaries, but he was extremely grateful all the same. 

Geoff’s place was smaller than Otto’s, but just as nice. A quaint ranch style house, painted eggshell white with cornflower accents. There was a huge oak tree out front, boughs sprawling over the roof and lawn. Awsten was still taking it all in when Geoff jumped from the backseat. He was about to close the car door to go grab his backpack, but he paused mid-motion. 

“Hey Aws, d’you wanna come in with me and just see what it’s like? You don’t have to, but I could show you my room and stuff if you like,” Geoff offered. 

“Um. Yeah, sure,” Awsten agreed with a small shrug. Geoff blinked for a moment, seemingly surprised by the affirmative answer, and how quickly it had come. He straightened up and finally slammed his door closed before opening Awsten’s for him. 

“Alright, c’mon then.” 

The inside of Geoff’s home was just how you’d expect from looking at the outside. The inner walls contrasted with the exterior in warm, bright shades, pulling light in from the bay windows. Awsten would have liked to have more time to look around, but Geoff was making a beeline for the hallway, and he didn’t feel comfortable enough to remain in the room by himself. Trailing after his boyfriend, he found himself in a large, brightly lit bedroom that was… not quite what he would have expected, but not unfitting, either. 

The curtains hanging over the large window were pulled back, letting the late-morning sunlight flood into the room. The walls were covered in concert posters and magazine covers, beginning to overlap in their multitude. His bedspread was cute and almost childish in contrast with the aesthetic of the rest of the room, emerald green with little dogs all over it. Awsten meant to compliment Geoff’s choice in decor, but his mouth had other ideas.

“You play guitar?” was what he actually blurted out, gaze locked on the blue Ibanez in the corner. The older boy had never mentioned any sort of musical inclination other than just listening, but it suited him. 

  
“Oh!” Geoff said, turning to glance at the instrument as he scooped his backpack off the floor where it lay. “Um, yeah. For a few years now! I love it a lot.” Awsten could hear the slight smile in his voice, and his heart softened a bit in his chest. 

“That’s really cool!” he replied genuinely. He loved learning more about Geoff and Otto. He had lost so many years that he could have been bonding with them, and every little factoid about them and their lives felt like he was making up for a bit of lost time. “What kind of stuff do you play?”

“Uh, mostly just a lot of covers of songs that I like,” Geoff’s speech paused for a second as he grabbed Awsten’s hand, heading back towards the door. “Some originals, too.” His voice was a bit quieter as he mentioned his own songs, but it did nothing to curb Awsten’s sudden enthusiasm. 

“What?? Dude, that’s so cool! You have to play me one of your songs sometimes!” Geoff smiled sheepishly. 

“I dunno. They aren’t very good, and I’m not the best player,” he mumbled awkwardly. 

“Geoff, if you’ve been playing for years I’m positive that you’re great. And I don’t believe you that your songs are bad.” Geoff opened his mouth to protest, but Awsten barreled on. “And besides, even if they were absolute ass, I’d still love them because you wrote them.” 

“I guess,” Geoff said quietly. Awsten seemed to pick up on something in his tone, and rushed to correct himself.

“I mean, no pressure. I’d love to hear your stuff, but if you aren’t comfortable, you totally don’t have to. I’m sorry if I was being pushy.” Awsten’s previous excitement gave way to uncomfortable guilt so fast that Geoff nearly got whiplash from the sudden contrast as his boyfriend began shrinking in on himself. 

“No! Awsten, it’s fine. I have some stage fright, but Otto says that I’m not as bad as I think I am, and that I should show more people my stuff, anyways,” he reassured, pausing with his hand on the front doorknob. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Oh,” Awsten said softly, digesting the information and trying to shrug away the shame that had settled over him. “Okay.” 

Geoff waited another moment in case Awsten said something else, before pulling open the door and leading them down the front steps. They didn’t say anything else as they approached the car, but the moment that they were seated, Awsten spoke back up.

“So, our lovely Geoff says that he writes music?” Otto glanced back in the rearview mirror, nodding.

“I’m assuming you found Chester?” Geoff whipped around in the passengers’ seat, punching Otto lightly on the arm. 

“Otto!” he hissed. “Shut up!” The curly haired boy just laughed and stuck his tongue out at the other. 

“Wait, who’s Chester?” Awsten asked, entertained but also feeling a bit out of the loop. Geoff punched Otto again and shot him a warning look, but it didn’t stop him from speaking. 

“Oh, did he not tell you?” Otto laughed. “He named his guitar Chester Bennington. Like the singer of Linkin Park”

“Otto!” Geoff cried out in frustration, cheeks flushed pink but smiling anyways. Awsten giggled from the backseat. “Don’t laugh at me!” Geoff protested, looking back at him. 

“I’m not!” Awsten said defensively, still grinning. “It’s just funny how embarrassed you are over this.” Geoff flushed somehow even redder, crossing his arms and turning back to face forward with a huff. 

“You guys are mean,” he said with a huff. Otto chucked a bit as he started the car. The brief shared fit of joy lapsed into comfortable silence as they drove. 

Awsten felt his phone buzz in his back pocket, and he shifted slightly so he could fish it out. As the screen lit up, he saw a new text from Gracie, and he rushed to open it. 

From: Gracie; when r we going to be back?

Awsten couldn’t help the small smile on his face as he typed out his response.

To: Gracie; pack like we’re leaving forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!! let me know what you thought in the comments! do you want more fluffy chapters like this, or do you prefer the more action-packed ones? I take your feedback into account when I write! thank you! love you!!


	20. i'm speaking dyslexic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aahhh, we're back! and so's aws! he's back at school! this update happened so quick just because i'm so fucking bored stuck in quarantine. like, it's awful. It's not like i hang out with people anyways, but I at least like to have the option. 
> 
> anyways, enjoy this chapter! title is from Last Heaven by Waterparks. Trigger warnings for this chapter are:  
-talk of suicide attempt  
-mention of self harm

The only reason that Alex let go of Awsten’s body at all during language arts, was that Mr. Saporta asked to talk to Awsten outside (“ALONE, Mr. Gaskarth”) at the beginning of their individual work time. It was an awkward conversation, with the teacher telling him that he’d been sorry to hear about what happened and that if Awsten ever needed to talk, he was there. But it was over quickly, only a couple minutes passing before he handed Awsten a stack of make-up study materials and patting him uncomfortably on the back. Alex smirked at how red the brunette’s cheeks were when he came back in, body hunched over in an attempt to shield itself from the embarrassing conversation. 

“Kissin’ teacher in the hallway, are we, Kight?” Alex stage-whispered as Awsten took his seat. A few people around them looked up, and Awsten smacked his shoulder as he blushed somehow harder. 

“Shut. up,” he hissed, swatting away his friend’s hand as it reached to latch back onto him. 

“Aw, you know you love me,” Alex retorted. He was tenacious, and eventually it was easier to just give up and let his thin wrist be encircled by Alex’s nimble fingers.

“Yeah, that’s what you think,” Awsten grumbled, turning his attention to the study materials spread over the desk. He didn’t even have to look over to know exactly what fake-offended face Alex was making. 

____________________________________________________

Much to the disappointment of his friends, Awsten decided against spending his lunch period in their normal spot. He wanted to talk to Mikey before class, both to apologize and explain himself AND to avoid another awkward hallway confrontation. He’d had three in a row now, one for each class, which was…. unideal. Even if a conversation with Mikey was inevitable, he could at least have it on his terms. Which is what had brought him here. Standing outside of the multimedia room, too nervous to knock. He knew that it was Mikey’s prep period, and Otto had even offered to come with him (to which he’d refused, not wanting to make him late for language arts), and he KNEW that he wasn’t going to be mad or anything. But it was still scary. Mikey was one of the only adults that had ever shown genuine concern and care for him, and he felt like he’d let him down. He didn’t have any more time to ruminate, however, before the door was swinging open, nearly smacking into him before he had a chance to jump back.

“Oh gosh I’m so sor- Awsten!” The senior saw his teacher’s face shift from startled, to apologetic, to shocked, to absolutely gleeful in a matter of seconds. “I’m- god, come in!” Mikey seemed to have forgotten about whatever it was that he was leaving his office to do as he whirled around, gesturing for Awsten to sit on a slightly overstuffed couch across from his desk. He hesitantly followed him into the small room, staring down at his feet and perching gingerly on the sofa. Mikey plopped himself down ungracefully on his spinny chair, his every gesture conveying enthusiasm. There was a beat of silence before Awsten realized that he was expected to speak first. 

“Uh. hi,” he mumbled. He kicked himself even as he was saying it. Hi? Is that really all that he could think up? Thankfully, it didn’t seem to matter that much, because Mikey, apparently, had a lot to say. 

“Hi! Awsten, I’m so glad to see you. I’m really happy that you’re okay,” he replied. His tone shifted from excited to sincere as he spoke, sparking an emotion that was somewhere between embarrassed and content in Awsten’s gut. “Did you have something that you wanted to speak to me about?” he added after the student didn’t provide a follow up to his words. 

“Um. I just wanted to see you before class so that I could, uh, apologize, I guess? And kind of explain some things.” Mikey’s mouth twitched a bit when Awsten mentioned apologizing, but he stayed quiet, just offering a nod of understanding. Awsten took a deep breath before he continued. “Um. I guess there’s no easy way to say this, but three weeks ago, I tried to overdose.” Another deep breath. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I didn’t even consider when or where I would die, or who would have to find me, or how hard it would be on the people who care about me. I just.. I felt so… shitty, and hopeless, and I didn’t want to feel that way anymore. And I’m really sorry that I even tried at all, but I’m especially sorry that I did it in a way that made it so that my body broke down in your class. That was probably really stressful for you once you figured out what happened, and I… just.. yeah. Sorry.” The room lapsed back into silence as Awsten finished his bathroom-rehearsed speech, Mikey seemingly mulling over his words and how to respond. 

“Well, thank you for apologizing, even though I’m certain that it wasn’t needed,” the teacher said slowly, sitting back in his chair and adjusting his glasses. “It didn’t even cross my mind to be mad at you. I was really just scared. I learned what happened from Geoff,” (Awsten perked up slightly at the name) “but after that, no one told me anything until he came back to school and told me that you were okay. But it isn’t your fault. Being sick makes us do terrible things.” There was another pause. Awsten was visibly more relaxed than he’d been when he came in, thankful that Mikey wasn’t mad. “May I ask how you’re doing now?”

“I’m doing… better,” Awsten answered honestly. “The hospital wasn’t very much fun at all, but after I got out, it was okay. I’ve been staying with. Uh. Geoff’s boyfriend.” Awsten hesitated, but continued talking at Mikey’s quizzical look. “They- he and Geoff, I mean- are actually, ah, my soulmates, turns out.” He didn’t chance a glance up at the teacher, but still heard him shift in surprise.

“Oh, wow!” Mikey exclaimed. “Geoff didn’t tell me. I’m so happy for you three! Congratulations!” 

“Thank you,” Awsten replied, thankful that Mikey wasn’t asking any more questions about that particular topic. He didn’t know if he knew about the self harm, and even if he did, it wasn’t really something that Awsten wanted to talk about. 

“Are you feeling… safe?” Mikey asked, choosing his words carefully. Awsten nodded, but Mikey just stared at him, seeming to expect a verbal response. 

“Yeah. In all ways, I guess. Otto’s family is really nice and I’ll be safe there, and I don’t really actively want to off myself anymore, so..” he trailed off, scratching the back of his neck. 

“Did you.. NOT feel safe where you were living, if you don’t mind me asking?” Mikey prompted further. Awsten might be a bit annoyed at the poking, but he knew that it was legitimately all coming from a place of concern. And besides, even if he wasn’t mad, he still felt like he kind of owed him.

“No, not really. But I’m not living there anymore, and my sister is moving out after school, too. So it’s okay, now,” he explained, voice taking on a hint of weariness. He’d talked about his dad a lot in the past eight hours.

“Do you want to talk more about it? Please bear in mind, though, I am a mandated reporter, and if I learn about any abuse going on I legally have to tell my higher-ups,” Mikey offered. Awsten shook his head quickly. He probably wouldn’t have wanted to talk about it anyways, but he was grateful for the reminder about the mandated reporting. It was nice to have your privacy and boundaries respected. 

“No, thank you. It doesn’t matter because we’re leaving.” he said quietly.

“Okay, then,” the teacher replied, a bit hesitantly. “Well, is there anything else that you needed from me?”

“Um,” Awsten said. “Is there any make-up work that you need to give me? I know that I was gone for a couple weeks.” 

“Oh! Yes, I almost forgot,” Mikey exclaimed, standing up suddenly. He clearly noticed Awsten’s sharp flinch as he did so, but didn’t comment on it. “If you follow me back to the classroom, I have everything in there.” The student nodded and stood up, following him out the door and into the hallway. It was lunch, so there were a few people milling about here and there, but for the most part everyone was at the cafeteria or outside. The pair didn’t speak until they reached the classroom a couple doors down. “I excused all of the smaller assignments that you missed while you were gone,” Mikey explained as he unlocked the door, pushing it open. “But you did miss a few full periods of work on your final project. I’m going to keep your participation score high, but I am going to need the completed piece if I’m going to give you a good grade on the other aspects of the project.” He beelined over to the canvas rack in the corner, where Awsten’s oil painted self-portrait lay towards the bottom. He picked it up carefully, bringing it over to where his student had sat down on a stool near the door. 

“That’s fair,” Awsten admitted. “Thank you. For excusing the assignments, I mean.”

“It’s nothing,” said Mikey, waving his hand dismissively. “You were sick. Anyways, for your final, I was thinking that you could spend a few lunches in the classroom working on it while you ate. You’ve actually made a really good amount of progress on it, considering how much class you missed. So you’d only be stuck in here with me for a few days at the most. Does that sound okay?”

“Yeah,” Awsten confirmed

“Rad! Do you want to get a start on that now?” Awsten suppressed a smirk at his teacher’s use of the word ‘rad.’

“Sure, that sounds good.” Mikey nodded in satisfaction, placing the partially finished painting in front of Awsten and walking to his desk. He wiggled the computer mouse around a little bit, waiting for the screen to boot up.

“What kind of music do you want to listen to?” he asked. Awsten paused his gathering of paints and brushes to consider. 

“Um. Do you like Muse?” he offered. Mikey looked over at him, face breaking into a smile again. 

“I love Muse!”

Within a few minutes, Awsten had gotten situated with his palette and smock, and the first few notes of Bedroom Acoustics were filling the room. He smiled slightly. It had been a long time since he’d listened to this one. He was going to enjoy it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed it!! if you did, please leave a comment letting me know what you thought! 
> 
> in case anyone didn't hear, i started a tumblr blog for this story!! you can ask questions, get background information, and i'm also posting bonus oneshots/minichapters that i want y'all to read but don't fit into the fic. as of 4/4/20, there are three oneshots up; one about Mikey right after Awsten's attempt, one that's just a polyparx cuddle mush, and one about Otto experimenting with self harm before they met Aws. Y'all should go check it out and send me some comments, questions or prompts! it would mean the world to me! you can find the blog [here!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/neverbloomagain-fic)


	21. happiness is stored in the Gracie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, guys!! i'm back!! not as long of a wait as last time. yay!
> 
> in case you don't follow the story's [tumblr](https://neverbloomagain-fic.tumblr.com/) (if not, you should. loads of oneshots and background info for the story), i'm gonna be doing weekly updates from now on. Every friday there's gonna be a new chapter, so rejoice! no more sporadic updating!
> 
> Trigger warnings for this chapter:  
-mentions of bullying  
-mentions of parental abuse
> 
> enjoy!!

When the final bell rang, Awsten was already halfway out of the classroom, pulling Geoff along with him. Not that he minded being in art at all, mind you, it just felt like an age and a half since he’d seen Otto. In reality, it had only been three periods, but school was exhausting. He’d forgotten how much classes and crowds drained him in his absence. 

“Where do you and Otto usually meet?” he asked his boyfriend eagerly. Despite how excited he was to see the other, the hallway was filling up and he was anxiously scanning for anyone who looked like they might like to beat him up. 

“I just wait for him by the car, so we can go outside,” the older boy said, sensing the building tension radiating off of his soulmate. The words were barely out of his mouth before Awsten cursed under his breath, yanking his hand abruptly out of Geoff’s and ducking behind a vending machine. “Awsten, what-” he cut himself off as he saw a mass of students coming down the hall towards them, laughing loudly and shoving each other. Oh. 

Geoff floundered for a moment, uncertain of what to do. He knew that the varsity team had attacked Awsten multiple times in the past. And the circumstances might be different, now that he wasn’t by himself, but was it really worth the risk? His plan was half-baked at best as he crossed the few yards towards Awsten as quickly as possible, ignoring his visible confusion and panic. He took out his phone, positioning himself in front of the other, hiding as much of him from view as possible as he attempted to look busy. He was close enough that he could feel him trembling in fear, and it made Geoff’s chest ache.

It was probably only thirty seconds before the team turned the corner at the end of the hallway, but it felt like an eternity. As soon as the last sneaker had vanished into the corridor, Geoff stepped away, turning around to check on his boyfriend. 

“Are you alrigh-” 

“Let’s just go.” Awsten’s face was flushed red as he slouched out of the corner. He paused before he started walking down the hall. “Thank you. Really,” he mumbled, before resuming his trajectory. Geoff just nodded. He’d been a little miffed at his seeming ambivalence towards Geoff’s attempt to help, but he was clearly embarrassed. He wasn’t going to make him talk about it if he didn’t want to.

Otto had actually beaten them to the car because of their little… detour, which was a first for everyone. The curly-haired boy usually took an age and a half to get his stuff together and get out of class, leaving Geoff to wait by the car and mock Otto when he finally arrived (seriously, the teasing was almost a daily ritual by now). He looked a little worried when they walked out, glancing around and typing something into his phone, but quickly perked up when he saw them. 

“Hey!!” he called excitedly, meeting them enthusiastically halfway and giving them both quick kisses on the cheek. “How were your days?” Geoff shrugged lightly.

“I dunno, pretty okay. Hayley’s getting suspended, though. That’s kind of exciting, I guess.” Otto cocked his head in curiosity as he grabbed Awsten’s hand and started walking back towards the car. “Yeah, she came to class stoned off her ass, and when the teacher asked her if she was high, she pulled a joint out of her backpack and asked if he wanted a hit!”

“No shit!” Otto laughed, letting go of Awsten so that he could pull open the car door for him. “Damn. Do you know how long she’s gonna be out for?” Geoff shook his head, chuckling a little bit as well. “Huh. Well. What about you, Aws?”

“Um, it was okay,” the youngest replied, almost fully recovered from the run-in in the corridor. “My talk with Mikey went well. All he’s having me do is spend a few lunches in his classroom so that I can catch up on my final.” The trio continued to chat as Geoff slowly made his way to the public middle school house through morning rush hour, until Otto suddenly let out an exclamation of remembrance, cutting Geoff off mid-anecdote. 

“Shit, Awsten, I almost forgot to tell you,” he said, pulling his phone from his backpack. “My mom sent me a text a few hours ago, they finally found you a therapist!” Awsten opened his mouth to respond, but Otto wasn’t done talking. “His name is.. Doctor Lucas Hand,” he read off of the small screen. “She says that he specializes in young adults with complex PTSD, and that she’ll tell you more after we get Gracie situated at our house.”

“Okay..,” Awsten said softly from the passengers’ seat. “Tell her thanks.” He stared out the window, trying not to think about the information he’d just recieved. His soulmates, however, picked up on his distress almost instantly. 

“Hey, what’s up?” Otto asked, voice quieter this time.

“Can we talk about it later?” he tried weakly. Otto hesitated, but agreed anyway. 

“I guess,” he said reluctantly. “We should probably just focus on picking up Gracie, anyways. Gee, we almost there?”

“Yep,” Geoff replied, popping the ‘p’ at the end of the word. “Aws, you should text her and let her know we’re around three minutes away.” Awsten nodded and swiftly did what he was told, before clicking the device off in his hand and sitting up a bit straighter. He hadn’t seen his sister since the hospital, and he was practically itching to fuss over her in person again. Not to mention get her officially removed from their old home. He felt his phone buzz and hurried to unlock it. 

From: Gracie; kk. im next 2 the bushes by the main doors

Awsten relayed the information to Geoff, who gave a hum of acknowledgement as he flicked on his turn signal. 

The middle and high schools got out at the same time, which meant that they didn’t get to Eastlake until twenty minutes after the final bell. There were still a few students milling around in front of the brick building when they arrived, but few enough that it was easy to spot Gracie among them. Awsten viscerally perked up as soon as he saw her, eagerly rolling down the window. 

“Gracie!” he hollered, face cracking open into a grin as she looked up from her phone. She smiled widely at the sight of her brother, and swung the strap of the duffle bag by her feet over her shoulder. 

“Hey, asshole!” she laughed, jogging over to the curb. Geoff barely had time to stop the car before Awsten was pushing open the door and disentangling himself from his seatbelt, practically leaping from the vehicle. As Awsten smothered his sister in the biggest hug that his small frame would allow, Otto leaned forward to speak quietly to Geoff. 

“I didn’t think that he was even capable of showing that much enthusiasm.” Outside, the siblings were chattering animatedly to each other about something that the other two couldn’t hear. 

“Yeah,” Geoff agreed softly. “He must really love her.” There was a minute or two of relative silence as they let Awsten and Gracie talk. “We should say hi and help her with her bag, right?”

“Oh, yeah, probably.”

Gracie glanced up when they clambered out of the vehicle, expression immediately shifting from sheer glee to slightly bashful. She’d met Geoff and Otto before, in the hospital, but she was still a seventh grader facing two eighteen year olds that she’d had minimal past interaction with. Even so, she seemed unwilling to let anything kill her good mood about seeing Awsten, and she quickly plastered on a brave grin.

“Hey, guys!” she said, voice bright. “Um. Otto, thanks for letting me stay with you guys. It’s really nice of you. I’ll only have to be there for a little under three years, and then I can emancipate and live on my own. I’m sorry to inconvenience you and your parents for that long, but I have to be sixteen to have legal independence.” Otto blinked a few times, a little baffled at the apology. Did she think that they’d even considered it an option to leave her on her own in such a horrifically abusive household? 

“Gracie, it’s no trouble, really,” he said firmly, waving his hand dismissively. “We weren’t just going to LEAVE you there. You coming to stay with us was my mom’ idea, they’d never let you stay where you were once they found out what’s been going on. And we haven’t used the other upstairs bathroom since my uncle came to visit seven years ago, there’s plenty of space for you.” Gracie looked a little flushed, but relieved that she wasn’t causing as much of an inconvenience as she’d thought she was. 

“Oh. Well, still,” she mumbled. Geoff opened his mouth to say something about how they should get her stuff in the car and get to Otto’s, but he was cut off before he had the chance. 

“Wait!” Awsten cried out, whirling back around to look at his sister. “Did you end up getting together with your soulmate??” Gracie perked up instantly, launching into an excited ramble about how they’d met up, and his name was Jackson, and how she was sad that he lived two whole cities away, but they’d been talking on the phone every night, and a million other things.” Geoff sighed with no real exasperation in his tone, turning back to Otto. 

“Well, that’s good, at least,” he said quietly. “We might be here for a while, though.”

“That’s alright,” Otto shrugged, a small smile playing at his lips. “They’re happy.” Impulsively, he leaned forward and cupped his boyfriend’s face in his hands, gazing into his eyes for a second before giving him a deep-but-too-short kiss. “I love you,” he murmured as he pulled away, his eyes soft. “You wanna get back in the car and give them a while?”

“Yeah, let’s do that,” Geoff agreed. He took Otto’s hand and squeezed it briefly before letting go, stepping away and rounding back to the driver’s seat. 

Otto was right. Awsten and Gracie WERE happy, at least in that moment. And they were, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked it! did any of my hardcore parxies notice Awsten's therapist's name?? 
> 
> once again, follow the story's tumblr for loads of bonus content, and a big shoutout to the people who already do! see you guys next friday!
> 
> please comment!


	22. fix me or just conflict me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friday is here! New chapter!! I have a confession, I actually finished this one on Tuesday, and had to make myself wait to upload it so that i could stick to the schedule! 
> 
> today on the menu we have *drumroll* Awsten goes to therapy!! our boy is getting help!!! also some more fun gracie time. 
> 
> No big trigger warnings for this chapter except minor mentions of suicide attempts, self harm, disordered eating, and abuse in a theraputic context. next week's chapter is going to be a doozy, though, so get ready for that. 
> 
> enjoy this (VERY long) chapter! chapter title from Hurricane by Panic! At The Disco.

“So. Geoff and Otto. They’re good to you, yeah?”

Awsten and Gracie were perched on the blue carpet of the Woods’ spare bedroom, unpacking Gracie’s clothes and putting them in the empty dresser. There weren’t many, but Lisa and Bethany had insisted that they go out on a ‘girls trip’ at some point in the near future so that they could get her more. At first, she’d insisted that it was unnecessary and that she was perfectly fine with what she had. She’d caved when it was pointed out that, to quote Lisa, ‘a person needs more than one pair of jeans.’

Awsten looked up from the shirt that he’d been folding and blinked in surprise. 

“What- Yeah! Yes, of course they are!” he responded, voice bordering on righteously defensive at the implication that his soulmates may not be good boyfriends. “Of course they are,” he repeated, quieter this time. “They’re SO good to me.” A soft smile flickered over his features and his cheeks warmed slightly. 

“Well good,” Gracie responded lightly, tossing a bra into the top drawer from where she was seated. “That’s what I thought, but I just wanted to make sure that I didn’t have to beat anyone up.” Awsten indignantly opened his mouth to reply, but Lisa’s voice rang up the stairs before he had the chance. 

“Awsten? Are you up here?” she called, the sound of ascending footsteps clear even as she asked. 

“Um, yeah!” he yelled back. She probably wanted to weigh him and take his blood pressure. She did that a lot. “In Gracie’s room!”

“Oh!” she said as she reached the doorway “Gracie, honey, I’m glad that you’re getting settled in. Do you mind if I borrow your brother for a moment?”

“Nah, take ‘im.” she said, elbowing Awsten gently in the arm. “This fool doesn’t know how to fold clothes for beans.”

“Hey!” Awsten cried, punching her stomach lightly. “I thought that I was doing a good job!” he insisted, trying to hold back a smile. Lisa laughed from where she stood. 

“Well, let’s leave her to get set up, then.” Awsten nodded and stood up carefully, grabbing the dresser for support and waiting a second before he started walking. It wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been, but he still sometimes got woozy when he stood up. Lisa, forever understanding, waited patiently until he felt steady before turning and walking back downstairs, Awsten trotting after her. 

“Do you need my vitals?” Awsten asked as they walked, already starting to roll up the sleeve of the baggy Cobra Starship hoodie that he’d borrowed (read: stolen) from Geoff. 

“Not right now, I’ll take them in the morning,” she responded, tone light. “I wanted to talk to you about something else. I’m going to have faith in my son and assume that he told you that we found you a therapist, right?” Awsten nodded as they took a seat at the kitchen table. 

“Good. His name is Lucas Hand, and he specializes in complex PTSD and related mental illnesses in young adults. He’s a Johns Hopkins graduate, and he’s a psychiatrist, so he’ll be able to manage your medications as well as your therapy. That means that you’ll only have to confide in one provider, which many people prefer,” Lisa explained. She leaned back in her chair to grab her laptop off of the counter, opening it up as she continued. “He’s private practice, and he’ll take our insurance as soon as we get you covered under our plan, which should be in a few weeks. We’ll pay out of pocket for the first two or three appointments, because your first one is tomorrow, but that’s no problem because we won’t have any copays after that because you and Otto are dually insured.” She looked up as she finished talking. “I’ve got his website right here, wanna take a look?” Awsten just nodded again, head spinning a little bit as he tried to process all of the information he’d just been given. Lisa spun the computer around and pushed it towards him to look at. 

The page was simple, pale blue with a bio and list of qualifications and educational and professional background. There was a photograph in the upper lefthand corner of a man that looked surprisingly young, with a blonde ponytail and warm smile. Awsten was a little surprised; he’d expected some wrinkled, stern-looking old man who didn’t look like he’d had a day of fun in his life. It was reassuring, however, to find out that he looked like a normal, nice guy. He skimmed over the bio, not knowing what most of it actually meant. A few words jumped out at him though; phrases like ‘philodepravitory depressive disorder,’ ‘self harm,’ and ‘post traumatic stress disorder.’ Maybe this guy really WAS equipped to deal with people as damaged as he was. Once he was done reading, he pushed the laptop back towards Lisa.

“So, what do you think?” she prompted, looking at him expectantly. Awsten took a moment to form a coherent opinion. 

“Um, he looks pretty cool, actually.” He paused, internally debating whether or not he should say what was on his mind. “What if..” He squinched his eyes shut, fingernails digging subconsciously into his palms. “What if he can’t fix me?” he said in a small voice, eyes still closed tight. 

“Oh, sweetheart,” Lisa murmured comfortingly. “You… you’ve gone through so much. You’ve been through more than anyone ever should. But Dr. Hand works with people like you every day. And of course your experiences are unique, but there are people who have had similar ones. And I don’t like using the word ‘fix,’ because you aren’t broken. People have just made you think that you are. But you are so, so strong. You’ve had to fight through so much, and you’re still here, with us. And it makes perfect sense that you’re still suffering because of your past, but we aren’t going to let anything else bad happen to you, and we’re getting you help so that it isn’t as hard anymore.” She paused. Awsten was crying, and she was having some trouble deciding if it was good, therapeutic crying, or if she was just upsetting him. “Dr. Hand can help you, I promise,” she finished, reaching over the narrow table to rub his arm comfortingly. 

“Okay,” Awsten mumbled, sniffling and wiping his eyes on his sleeve after a few more minutes of crying. “Thank you.”

“It’s no problem, sweetheart. I think that Beth and Otto are back from the store, why don’t you go upstairs and hang out with him or your sister for a while?” Awsten sniffed again, standing up. 

“Alright.” He gave her his best attempt at a smile before turning and making his way up the stairs. 

Gracie’s door was the first one at the top of the stairs, so he poked his head in there first. The ‘hey, weenus’ died in his throat as he saw her laying on the bed, asleep and snoring quietly, still fully dressed. He smiled a bit and just watched her for a second before ducking out, shutting the door behind him. He tried to be a little quieter as he made his way towards Otto’s room, wary of waking her up. 

“Hi,” he said as he walked through the open door, voice a little hoarse from all the tears. “How was the store?”

“Fine, I gues- holy shit, what happened??” Otto said, putting down his book and leaping to his feet as soon as he saw Awsten’s face. “Are you alright?” he fussed as he rushed over, grabbing Awsten’s hand and looking him up and down for any noticeable damage. 

“I’m fine, Otto,” Awsten reassured, smiling pointedly. “I just… had a conversation with your mom that made me kind of emotional. That’s all.” He squeezed Otto’s hand and led them back over to the bed, sitting down before holding his arms out for a hug. He just sat there, enjoying the feeling of being in his boyfriend’s arms for a few moments. “I’m going to therapy tomorrow,” he mumbled into his shoulder, testing out how the words felt in his mouth.

“I know,” Otto replied softly, tightening his hold slightly. “You’re gonna get better, okay? It won’t be so hard anymore.” Awsten nodded against him, a few traitorous tears sneaking out of his eyes and onto his shirt. 

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

_____________________________________________________________

It turns out that Dr. Lucas Hand was well known and had a very good reputation, so Awsten was very lucky that he had an availability at all. Of course, he only learned this after he’d been called down to the office during second period for an early pickup. 

“We would have prefered that your appointment time didn’t make you miss school, of course,” Bethany explained as she kissed the top of his head and led him out of the building. “But it was either this, or six to seven am Mondays. I assumed that you’d rather miss an hour or two of school midday than have to wake up at five AND miss some school.” Awsten quickly agreed, nodding forcefully. He’d just gotten used to being able to safely wake up at a reasonable hour, and he’d rather not give that up. 

The ride to Dr. Hand’s office was a bit longer than Awsten would have liked, and he was starting to feel a little nauseous by the end of it, but it was filled with Bethany’s friendly chatter about everything and nothing. That was one of Awsten’s favorite things about her; she listened when you wanted to talk, but she was perfectly content carrying the conversation if you didn’t. He could see why she had such great chemistry with Lisa, who only spoke when she had something to say, but listened like an owl. When they finally got there, Awsten was a bit caught off guard by the outside of the building.

He’d been expecting an office park or a rental studio somewhere, maybe a clinic or hospital. But this… just looked like a house. It was in a residential neighborhood, a single story and maybe a bit smaller than his father’s place. Awsten would think it was just a normal craftsman if not for the small plaque on the gate that read ‘Lucas Hand, MD. Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.’ He only realized how long he’d been standing there on the sidewalk when Bethany gently interrupted his pondering.

“You ready to go in?” she asked calmly, holding open the gate. Awsten swallowed and nodded, taking a deep breath before starting up the walkway to the door. 

If Awsten had been paying attention, he’d have noted how the inside looked like a house, too, just decorated in a way that made it look more professional. He was too busy, however, focusing on taking regular, deep breaths and staying calm. He was okay. He was safe. He was about to see a therapist- a DOCTOR- who only wanted to help him. He wasn’t going to hurt him. He’d even taken an oath saying that he wasn’t going to hurt him, or anyone else. He was fine. He was safe.

He sat down stiffly on a couch in the living-room-converted-to-waiting-area, fiddling nervously with his fingers. He could vaguely hear a man’s voice, as well as one that sounded like it belonged to a woman, coming from under a closed door across from the one they’d come in through. There was a white noise machine going, so he couldn’t hear what they were saying, but it sounded like they were laughing, which was a good sign. Not wanting to ruminate and create more unnecessary distress, Awsten busied himself with exploring the room from where he sat.

The whole building smelled like vanilla incense, and was lit almost exclusively by the natural light coming in through large windows and skylights, save for the occasional aesthetically placed lamp. There was a bookshelf full of magazines and books, ranging from Calvin and Hobbes to three (three!) copies of the DSM-5. He was attempting to read the title of a green magazine from the other side of the room when the door opened suddenly, making him jump. 

A young woman, maybe a few years older than he was, with faded green hair framing her round face, walked out of the room beyond. She was looking over her shoulder and still giggling at some unknown joke. 

“See you next week!” she called out behind her. She visibly startled a little when she turned around and saw the two people in the room with her, but recovered quickly and flashed them a quick grin. 

“Remember your target journal!” a second voice sounded from the room, followed by the appearance of Dr. Hand in the doorway. He was taller than Awsten had expected, but other than that, he looked pretty much exactly like his photo. His ponytail might have been a bit longer than it had been in the picture, but that could just be Awsten’s imagination. He waved to the girl as she left before turning to them, eyes lighting up. “Ah! You must be Awsten, yeah?” he said cheerfully. 

“Um, yeah,” he mumbled. The doctor held out his hand for him to shake, which Awsten took gingerly. 

“Hey, Awsten! My name is Lucas Hand. I’m a psychiatrist, but Dr. Hand is my boring people name. You can just call me Lucas, or whatever makes you the most comfortable!” Lucas explained as he helped Awsten up off the sofa. It sounded like a speech that he’d recited some variant of many times, but still managed to come off as real and candid. He seemed like a genuine person, at least so far. Maybe this wasn’t going to be as bad as Awsten thought. “And you are…?” he asked, turning to Bethany, hand still extended.

“Bethany Wood, but please call me Beth. I’m Awsten’s soulmate’s mother,” she said, smiling up at him.

“Ah, yes, Beth! I believe that I spoke to your wife on the phone the other day. Lisa, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, that’s her!” Bethany beamed. Awsten noted that she seemed to like Lucas a LOT.

“Well, are you ready to come in?” he said brightly, taking a step backwards and gesturing for Awsten to follow. He floundered for a moment.

“Uh, with or without Bethany?”

“Why don’t we bring her in for the first few minutes, just to go over billing and guardianship and safety information and such, and then it’ll be just you and I. Does that sound okay to you, Awsten?” he suggested. 

“Yeah, I guess,” Awsten shrugged back. 

“Alright!” 

The three filed into the next room, Lucas closing it behind them and gesturing again for them to take a seat. There was another couch, this one much more comfortable-looking than the one in the waiting area, and Awsten lowered himself hesitantly onto it, Bethany beside him. Lucas took a seat in a worn leather armchair across from them, snagging a notebook off of a desk on his way. 

“Okay Awsten, we’ll be able to talk about why you’re here in JUST a moment, but I just need to go over some paperwork-y stuff with Beth here.” Awsten nodded in agreement. “So, Beth, you said that Awsten’s soulmate is your child?”

“Yes, my son Otto is one of his soulmates. I’m here with him today because… well, his own parents can’t be, for reasons that I’m sure you’ll go over. I have guardianship, of course, because I’m his step parent through soulbond, so he’ll be under Lisa and I’s insurances soon. Awsten is currently living at our home with us. His sister, as well.” Bethany launched into a speech as Lucas cued her to, reaching over and squeezing Awsten’s hand at the mention of guardianship. 

“Great!” Lucas replied enthusiastically, scribbling something down in his notebook. The two adults went back and forth a few more times about things like dual coverage and whether or not they kept firearms in the house, before he finally dismissed Bethany with a grin and a ‘lovely meeting you!’ As she closed the door behind her, Lucas turned to Awsten. The room 

seemed much larger, 

“So, do you like living with Otto and his family?” he asked. His voice was calmer now that it was just the two of them, and his aura was beginning to exude soothing vibes as opposed to invigorating ones. Awsten nodded sincerely, forcing himself to sit up straight and act normal. 

“Y-yeah. I like it a lot. It’s safe and happy and I get to see Otto every day,” he explained. Lucas nodded.

“That’s good. Now, I hate being cliche, but I am your therapist, so I’m afraid that I have to ask you what brought you here today,” he said, maintaining eye contact.

“Um, yeah, totally,” Awsten muttered in response. “W-what do you mean by that, exactly?”

“I mean what in your life brought you to where you are today, where you’re here and you need help. What things happened to you that made you need this?” Awsten took a shuddering breath, steeling himself, before launching into his story.

Lucas was a good listener, even when Awsten’s words were choppy and rambling, or when his timeline doubled back on itself because he’d forgotten something, or when he had to take a few minutes to calm down. Awsten didn’t mention the cutting or the food issues, because those weren’t technically things that happened to him, they were things that he did. He did tell him about the suicide attempts, though, because they seemed important. Lucas just nodded and winced sympathetically. He was jotting things down in his little notebook the entire time, and when Awsten was finished he simply closed it and looked up at him. 

“Thank you so much for sharing all of that, Awsten,” he said seriously. “Do you mind if I ask you a few more questions? We can take a break first, if you like”

“No, go ahead,” Awsten said, voice coming out a bit shaky. He had accumulated a good amount of momentum in terms of ‘sharing about my fucked up life,’ and didn’t want to lose it. Lucas nodded again. 

“Okay, thank you. First, have you ever cut, burned, or engaged in other forms of physical self harm or mutilation?” Damn, nothing got past this guy, did it. Awsten answered honestly, though, and Lucas continued with various questions about substance use, food restriction, binging and/or purging, externalized violence, and running away. 

Awsten was almost shaking by the time they were done, and could have cried in relief when Lucas glanced down at his watch and announced that they were ‘just about done for today.’ He stood up, trembling a little, feeling more tired than he’d felt since moving in with the Woods. Lucas paused with his hand resting on the doorknob.

“Hey, Awsten.” The boy dutifully met his eyes, a bit thrown off by the earnest gaze he was met with. “Thank you again, really. The first session is always the hardest, and you did really, really well. I asked you some really hard questions, and you gave me really good answers. I’m looking forward to working with you.” Awsten blinked for a moment.

“Er, yeah, no problem,” he stammered awkwardly. “Thank you. For helping me, I mean.” Lucas smiled wordlessly in response before opening the door, allowing Awsten to rejoin Bethany on the other side. She stood up as soon as he came out, her eyes turning a bit worried as she took in the exhausted state that Awsten was in. He forced a quick smile to reassure her. 

“I’ll see you next week, Awsten,” Lucas called as they began to walk back out, Bethany’s hand on Awsten’s shoulder. 

“Yeah. Next week,” he said back. He let his eyes half-close and allowed himself to be led back to the car. As soon as he buckled himself in, his head fell against the window with a soft thunk. 

“You look like you did some good work in there,” Bethany commented softly as she started the engine. “How about I drop you off at home and you can just rest until Otto and Geoff get off of school?”

“Yes, please,” Awsten agreed gratefully. He honestly could not imagine going back to class right then. He let his eyes slide all of the way shut as they reentered traffic, feeling the cool glass against his forehead. He drifted off to the smell of Bethany’s perfume and the sounds of the road. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew, sorry about how long that one was! I really wanted to get the 'first therapy session' plot point out of the way so that i could move on to the next thing (it's gonna be more hurt/comfort action, i gotchu).
> 
> pleasepleaseplease drop a comment if you enjoyed this chapter, they mean the world to me! thank you so much for reading! see you next week!


	23. sit back, relapse again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you get the chapter a day early because fuck it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay i wanna preface this by saying that i'm not unbelievably proud of the writing in the chapter. I've been feeling great-n't lately, and today i realized that it's been a week since i've taken any of my meds, so i'm really just off my game. hopefully this one will change for the better when i go back and edit the story. but for now, i wanted to stick to schedule, so here it is!
> 
> trigger warnings:  
-graphic self harm (cutting)  
-suicidality mention

When Awsten woke up from his post-session nap, there were still another two hours until Geoff and Otto would be home from school. He had texted them before he’d fallen asleep, telling them that therapy had gone okay but he wouldn’t be coming back to school. They’d assured him that it was fine and that they wanted him to take care of himself, but he couldn’t help but feel back about leaving them at school while he got to go home. 

He groggily turned on his phone as he stood up out of bed, stretching and checking what time it was. Seeing how much time he had left before his boyfriends would be there, Awsten decided to take a shower. He felt gross. He knew that Dr. Hand was going to help him, and that it was a good thing that he’d gotten all of his trauma out in the first session, but now he just felt… yucky. Things that he’d avoided thinking about for years were swimming in the front of his mind, making his skin crawl and his stomach turn. He shut his eyes tight for a second, pressing the heels of his hands into his temples. He was safe. He lived with Otto. He was alone. He was safe. He opened his eyes again and took a deep breath before heading to the bathroom. 

Awsten usually looked in the mirror when he was getting undressed. He couldn’t really remember why, but he was pretty sure that it had started out as a self-punishment thing. A kind of ‘look at how disgusting you are.’ It had worked at first, he supposed, but after years and years of the habit he barely felt anything. But this time, with the water running behind him, something happened again. 

The sight of his own pale skin, naked and vulnerable against the cool air, triggered… SOMETHING in Awsten. There were no flashbacks, no panic attacks, not yet. But his head was stirring uneasily, and fragmented recollections of things that he never wanted to remember were surfacing for just a moment before retreating back into the recesses of his mind. The same body that he was facing in the mirror, beaten black and blue, or being stripped down against its will. 

He turned around and stepped into the tub, rubbing his own arms slightly in an attempt at self-soothing as the water beat down against his head. He wanted to go back to sleep. When he was sleeping, he didn’t have to feel like this. Awsten washed himself off quickly, actively doing his best to think about things that made him happy. Geoff. Otto. His friends. Jawn’s dog. Mikey’s class. That really good soup that Lisa made out of rice and garden vegetables. 

His improvised emotional regulation strategy worked surprisingly well, and he was deep in thought about Alex’s cat by the time he stepped out of the shower. This time, as he dropped the towel and started to unfold the fresh set of clothes he’d grabbed from Otto’s dresser, he made a point of not looking in the mirror. He was going to get dressed without any further emotional distress, and then he was going to go back to Otto’s room and lay in bed until his boyfriends got home, maybe taking another nap if he could. But that’s when it happened. 

He pulled on his underwear, before opening the drawer in search of a washcloth to dry his face with, when his eyes landed on a half-empty multipack of disposable shaving razors. No. No. Nonono. He slammed the drawer shut and backed up from the vanity so fast that he bumped into the wall behind him. He couldn’t do that. He COULDN’T. It had been over a month since he had, and all of his scabs had scarred over and were beginning to fade. He was going to therapy now, and had Geoff and Otto. He couldn’t hurt them. He just couldn’t. 

His mind flashed briefly to the memory of putting Lucas’ number into his phone, and how the older man had said ‘I know we don’t know each other very well yet, but I’m here to help you. You can call or text me anytime, about anything.’ He quickly dismissed the idea, though. Texting Lucas when he barely knew him would be a stressful enough experience on its own, and the idea of doing it when he was already in such a vulnerable state was nearly repulsive. But he still didn’t want to disappoint him, not so soon after they met. 

So why were his feet moving on their own accord, drawing him back towards the vanity? His hand was shaking, but why was it reaching out and gripping the drawer handle? He squinched his eyes shut and bit his lip hard, mind screaming at itself. He didn’t want to. He DIDN’T WANT TO. But then his trembling fingers were fumbling with the plastic package, opening it up and wrapping themselves around the flimsy handle of one of the razors, and his resolve shattered. Rationality crumbled in on itself, and the voice of reason was stomped to the bottom of his brain as he gave in. Gave in to how good it would feel to watch his skin open around a blade, see the blood bubbling up in his pale tissue, feel the pain toppling the dominos to reach the endorphin rush he was craving. Before he knew what was happening, he’d dropped the object to the floor, stomping down on the back with his bare heel. Twice, three times, until a satisfying ‘crack’ sounded through the bathroom and the plastic shattered beneath his foot. He let himself drop his towel completely as he reached down and swept everything into his hand, carefully extracting the three silver pieces of metal and dropping everything else in the small trash bin. After a moment’s consideration, he balled up some tissues and used them to cover up the broken evidence in the bin. 

Awsten still refused to face his own reflection as he picked up one of the blades, turning it over carefully in his hand. A shiver went down his spine as the yellow LED lights of the bathroom caught on the reflective surface, making it glint coldly. His lips felt dry with anxiety and anticipation as he rested the edge gently against the inside of his forearm, careful to angle it away from any arteries. That wasn’t his intention today. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes again. He couldn’t tell if he was savoring the moment, or trying to talk himself out of what he was about to do. He pushed down and dragged. 

He opened his eyes in time to watch his alabaster flesh parting around the razor, slashed into his arm. He’d forgotten how much deeper brand new blades went, and breathed in sharply. His body relaxed as the familiar wave of dizzy relief washed over him, and he let his eyes flutter shut again. He kept them that way as he carved another line, and then another, not wanting to see the damage that he was doing. Some part of his brain could hear his phone blowing up from across the hall, but it was easily ignored. At least, it was easy to ignore until the relief started to get old and fade, allowing logical thought and self awareness to creep back into the forefront of his mind. Shit. 

He dropped the razor suddenly, eyelids snapping open. Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. He took a few steps back from the offending object, gaze sliding from the blade to his arm. Blood was flowing down his skin and dripping onto the tile and bathmat, tracing thin, red rivulettes across his forearm. He whirled around and snatched a fistful of toilet paper off of the roll, not even flinching as he pressed it down against his tender skin. Blood flow now staunched, Awsten frantically yanked open the medicine cabinet, locating and extracting a small box of bandaids. A roll of elastic bandage and some gauze would have been ideal, but they were in the first aid kit in the kitchen. So he could work with this. 

Awsten blinked back tears and tried to breathe deeply as he took some more toilet paper, this time folding it neatly into a rectangle before setting it down. He unwrapped a few bandages before setting them aside and picking up the tissue again, placing it carefully so that it covered the majority of the wounds. He sat down heavily on the bathroom floor after using the bandages to tape down the makeshift gauze, letting his head fall back against the wall with a resounding ‘thunk.’ There was still blood on the floor, and his phone was still going off in the bedroom, but he felt like any energy he’d had after his nap had been leeched greedily from his system by the ether.

He felt his body begin to tip to the side in exhaustion, and he didn’t try to stop it. The cool ground felt nice against his bare shoulder. Damnit. He wasn’t going to be able to get up again for a while, was he? Helplessness welled up in his chest as he took in a shaky breath, grateful that he’d managed to get his boxers on before his relapse. Someone was going to find him like this, and at least he wouldn’t be completely naked and exposed when they did. 

Thoughts that were tense, but didn’t have enough energy behind them to be stressful, slogged through his mind as he began to dissociate. Would Geoff or Otto come home early to check on him? Would they be mad? Would people make him go back to the hospital? He hoped not. The hospital was terrible. And he wasn’t suicidal, really, he wasn’t. He didn’t really even know why he’d cut again. He’d known that it was a bad idea even as it was happening, but he did it anyway. He really didn’t want Geoff or Otto or Lisa or Bethany to be upset with him. Would they even tell Otto’s moms? It might be a good idea, but what if they were disappointed in him? 

He wasn’t sleeping, but he was going into power-saver mode. He let the opposite wall blur in his vision and the thoughts slowly drain from his head, just laying there, empty. His arm hurt. He wished that he hadn’t cut. He wanted a hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i'm sorry that that was shitty and depressing, as i said i've been feeling not-so-great. the people who follow this story on tumblr said that it'd be okay to make this one super angsty. and it had to happen at some point. 
> 
> speaking of tumblr, i changed the URL for my main, so the old links won't work anymore! my new url is [@otto-wood-protection-squad](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/otto-wood-protection-squad). And in case you don't already follow, Never Bloom Again has a blog as well, [@neverbloomagain-fic](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/neverbloomagain-fic)! it's got loads of bonus content, background information, and some AU stuff!
> 
> next week's chapter will be better! now that i've remembered, i'm going to start taking my meds again, and that makes a big difference. thank you so much for reading, please leave a comment if you enjoyed it! i've been bad at replying lately, just because of depression stuff, but i'm going to try to start replying to all of them again!! thank you, i love you, see you guys next week!!!


	24. Wish you knew how much we love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. I'm uploading a day early for a not-so-great reason this time. I'm a bit upset to say that I attempted suicide earlier today, and I'm in the ER. I'm going to be transferred to a psych hospital soon, and I won't have access to electronics there. I don't know how long I'll be there, so I'll probably miss at least one week of updates. I'm sorry about that. 
> 
> I typed last part of this on my phone in the hospital, so I'm sorry if it's messey. I hope that it makes up for last chapter, though.
> 
> TWs for this chapter:  
-self harm  
-implied dissociation

Otto was in third period algebra II when it happened. He hadn’t been expecting it at all; it had been over a month since it happened. But there he was, trying to take notes as the teacher talked, but missing Awsten’s presence behind him. He wouldn’t be surprised if he were to find out that he gasped out loud when he felt it, but he was too overwhelmed by panic in the moment to notice. He felt dizzy with shock as he shot out of his chair and stumbled to the back of the classroom to grab the bathroom pass, paying no attention to the stares that the sudden movement was getting.

The moment he was out of the room he yanked up his hoodie sleeve, tears prickling in the backs of his eyes as he evaluated the damage. He couldn’t do anything but watch miserably as a deep gash carved itself into his arm, joining the two that were already there.

Deep wounds from soulmates looked gross, there was no other way to say it. They never bled or hurt, but they stayed open as long as the person with the primary injury’s did, exposing raw tissue. Otto wasn’t paying attention to that, though. He was just thinking and worrying wildly, trying to figure out what was going on. Clearly something had happened at therapy that had set Awsten off, but he didn’t know what it could be. Seeing Dr. Hand was supposed to HELP his boyfriend, not trigger something like this. Was he trying to kill himself? It didn’t look like it. The cuts were horizontal and not over the radial artery, but it was still possible.

Otto was still standing there, staring at his arm, mind reeling, when he felt his phone start to buzz in his back pocket. He snapped back to reality and took it out, answering it immediately when he saw Geoff’s contact on the screen.

“We need to go home,” were the first words out of his mouth, not waiting to greet the other. “He’s hurting himself.” Geoff was breathing a little hard, and Otto could hear what sounded like footsteps going down stairs as he responded.

“Yeah, I know.” His voice sounded a little snipped, but Otto wasn’t worried about it. He knew that Geoff wasn’t mad, just panicking. “I’m almost to the car. We can get our parents to call and tell the school what happened later, I didn’t want to waste time stopping at the office.” Otto nodded, even though Geoff couldn’t see him.

“Be there in a moment,” he said as he took off down the hall. He hung up the phone before Geoff had time to respond, knowing that he wouldn’t mind and that it was an emergency. When he got outside, his boyfriend was already waiting by the car, fidgeting and glancing  
around with nervous energy. His eyes brightened a bit when he saw Otto, and he quickly pulled open the car door and climbed into the drivers’ seat. He was already starting the engine when  
Otto got in next to him.

“Hi,” he said breathlessly as he looked behind him, pulling out of the parking spot.

“Hi,” Otto responded. There were a few minutes of silence as they drove, both of them lost in their thoughts and having no idea what to say. Geoff was speeding, but Otto didn’t tell him to slow down like he usually would. He doubted that there were any cops around, and he was just as desperate to get to Awsten as Geoff was. He broke the silence when he realized that it had been a couple minutes since he felt another wound opening into existence. “I think he stopped, maybe,” he said, letting just a little bit of hope creep into his voice. Geoff thought for a second before responding.

“Yeah, maybe. I hope so,” he added. The pair were quiet again for another few  
moments. “What’re we going to do?” Geoff asked, voice suddenly small and scared. Otto sat up a little straighter, letting some of the tension drain out of him. Geoff needed him. Awsten needed him. They couldn’t ALL be in crisis.

“We’ll find him and clean him up,” Otto said, voice sounding much more cool and confident than he felt. “And then we’ll make sure that he knows how much we love him, and that we aren’t mad. And then we’ll find out what happened. Okay?” Geoff nodded slightly as he flipped on his turn signal.

“Yeah, okay,” he said shakily. They were getting close to the house, and Otto began steeling himself for what they might find. “Do you think that sending him to therapy was a bad idea?” Otto pondered the question for a second.

“No,” he said slowly. “I think that he needs help that we can’t give to him. Therapy is really hard. When I was in it, I’d come back from sessions completely exhausted and sometimes upset. But it really helped in the long run.” Geoff nodded.

“I remember. You’d get kinda bitchy for a few hours and have to take a nap, but you were happier,” Geoff said with a small smile.

“I think that Awsten is just struggling a lot and has really bad coping skills,” Otto continued. “I think that maybe if I struggled with self harm to the point that Awsten does, I would have had a few episodes after sessions.” Geoff glanced over at him for a moment before turning his attention back to the road. Otto was already unbuckling his seatbelt as they turned onto his block. Neither of them had visited their lockers to pick up their stuff before leaving, so they didn’t have anything to grab from the backseat. They jogged up to the front door, Otto pulling out his keys halfway up the steps. The house was eerily quiet as they stepped inside.

“Aws?” Geoff called out. There was no response, and Otto started to feel him composure slipping. What if he wasn’t okay? What if he’d done something with pills again?

“Check down here, I’ll look upstairs,” interrupting his own thoughts before they could get too out of hand. Geoff nodded, taking off towards the downstairs bathroom. Otto took a deep breath before jogging up the stairs, bracing himself again.

He checked Otto and Awsten’s room first, knowing that that was where Awsten spent most of his time. The room was devoid of anyone. A tiny bit of him was relieved that he didn’t he didn’t have to see anything horrible, not at that exact moment, but a bigger part of him shuddered as a small wave of lightheadedness hit him. Assuming that Awsten was still in the house, the only other place that he’d likely be was in the bathroom. He flashed back a little bit to his own self harm incident. That had been in the bathroom. Bad things happened in bathrooms.

Nevertheless, he squared his shoulders and turned around to cross the hallway. Despite the fact that he’d been expecting it, Otto still froze for a moment when he  
opened the bathroom door. A part of him had known with almost complete certainty what he was going to find behind the door, but that didn’t stop his breath from hitching in his throat and icy panic from welling up in his veins.

Awsten was laying on the floor next to the bathtub, wearing nothing but his boxers and shivering slightly, despite the warm, humid air of the room. His eyes were open, but they were staring blankly at the wall, mostly unblinking. Otto might have thought that he was dead had it not been for the rise and fall of his bare chest.

“Shit,” Otto muttered as his body remembered how to move again. He rushed over to his boyfriend, kneeling beside him. He simultaneously used one hand to cup Awsten’s face and the other to delicately rotate his left arm. He was a little surprised to find a makeshift dressing made of bandaids and toilet paper already covering the majority of the damage. Awsten seemed too out of it to do something like that, but he supposed that he didn’t know how long he’d been catatonic for. “Hey, love,” he said quietly, rubbing his cheek a bit. “Awsten. Awsten can you please come back? It’s okay,” he continued, desperate to get the hollow look out of his eyes.

Otto wondered briefly if he should call for Geoff, but decided against it. He didn’t know how Awsten would react to yelling (if he did at all). And besides, Geoff would be almost done checking downstairs and would come up on his own soon regardless. Sure enough, almost as soon as he had the thought, Otto heard the older’s voice as footsteps began coming up the stairs.

“Otto?” Geoff yelled from the landing. “Did you find him?”

“Yeah,” he responded. He didn’t know if he even heard him, considering that he only dared to raise his voice a bit above normal volume. Even so, his eyes snapped back down as he felt Awsten flinch at the sound. Otto felt a strange combination of guilt and relief at the movement. He felt bad for scaring him, but at least there was recognition coming back to Awsten’s eyes as an involuntary whimper was ripped from his throat. "Hey, shh, shh," Otto crooned softly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're okay." Awsten still looked afraid, but relaxed a little bit as he spoke.

"Fuck, is he oka-" Geoff's voice cut off as he materialized in the doorway, sucking in a sharp breath. "Fuck," he repeated as Otto glanced over at him. He approached the pair slowly, kneeling down beside them. "Hey, sunflower," he breathed as Awsten looked blearily up at him, before speaking speaking for the first time since they got there.

"I'm sorry." His voice was small and cracked around the syllables, but Otto still slumped a little in relief to hear him talking.

"You've got nothing to be sorry for, love," Geoff reassured as he placed a hand on his shoulder. "What happened, baby?" Awsten's cheeks reddened and he averted his gaze. He started to move, placing his hand against the floor and attempting to push himself up into a sitting position. His elbow buckled a bit, but the other two were both quick to grab onto him, stabilizing him. Once he'd sat up he opened his mouth to speak again, leaning against the tub.

"I... I don't know, I'm sorry," he apologized again. "Just.. Lucas- Dr. Hand, I mean- asked me about some things that I just.. didn't want to think about. And I thought that it'd feel good to get it out of my system, but even when I got back I couldn't stop thinking about it, and it was just too much. I felt all gross, and my skin was tingling in this awful way, and I just didn't want to feel it anymore. So I. I broke a razor and I used it, and I'm really really sorry, I didn't want to give you guys anymore scars." Otto wanted to tell him to stop apologizing, but didn't want to cut him off. "I tried to stop myself, I really did. I just didn't want to feel like that anymore, and I couldn't do it. I'm sorry" His voice broke on the last word as a few tears began to slide slowly down his face. Otto leaned forward to press his face to the crook of Awsen's neck, not knowing what to say. Fortunately, Geoff seemed to.

"Awsten, baby, you don't have to apologise. Relapse is a necessary part of recovery, almost every mental health resource that I've looked at has said that. It sounds like you were going through something really hard, and you haven't learned any new coping skills yet. Of course you're going to default back to your old ones," Geoff explained, voice gentle and validating. "Of course, that doesn't make it GOOD," he added. "I know that all of us are upset when you cut, and how badly you want to be better. But me and Otto aren't upset AT you, we're upset with you, and at the things that happened to you that make you feel like you have to do this to yourself." Awsten looked a tiny bit incredulous, but mostly more and more relived as Geoff talked.

"Are you sure that it's.. normal? He asked, a little bit of hope creeping into his voice.

"Absolutely," Geoff replied instantly. There was a lull in the conversation as Awsten absorbed the information, before Otto drew back.

"Do you want to go down to the kitchen and make some tea? We can talk about anything you want. It can be this, or it can be something completely different," he offered. Awsten nodded for a moment, before nodding.

"That sounds nice," he said quietly. Otto nodded and stood up, holding out his hand to help his boyfriend to his feet.

The boys made their way down the stairs, pausing on the landing as Geoff seemed suddenly unable to resist the urge to pull Awsten into a tight hug any longer.

Otto put on the kettle and dropped some decaf earl grey tea bags into three mugs before sitting down. He linked hands with Awsten under the table as the youngest began talking about how much he loved them. He seemed embarrassed at first, but picked up speed as he spoke. Otto wasn't ashamed to admit that his eyes welled up when he said that they saved him emotionally as well as literally, and that just thinking about them was the only reason that he made it as long as he did without self harm.

Eventually the water was ready. Otto knew how both of them liked their tea, and that Awsten liked his without anything in it. Otto suspected that it was more of a subtle self-punishment than a real flavor preference through, and put a teaspoon of honey into his cup while he wasn't looking.

Awsten looked surprised as he took the first sip, eyes zeroing in on Otto. The curly haired boy was happy to watch him drink the whole cup, perhaps a disproportionate amount. He deserved it. And maybe he was starting to believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you liked it! Please comment, it would be lovely to come home to feedback on this chapter. I love you all, and I'll see you as soon as I can!


	25. emptiness is safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm BACK!!! chapter 25 is here! 
> 
> if it's not my best work i'm sorry, i'm lowkey having an ED relapse right now so i'm just really out of it and tired and aggitated all of the time. which makes it kinda hard to write. but hey! i hit wordcount, so i'm gonna upload the chapter. 
> 
> chapter title from Ribcage by Andy Black
> 
> TWs:  
-eating disorders  
-mentioned self harm

Awsten was able to convince his boyfriends not to tell Bethany and Lisa about the incident, on the condition that he SWORE to tell Lucas about it at their next session. Otto removed all of the razors from the upstairs bathroom, apologizing over and over for not having done so as soon as Awsten moved in. He forgave him immediately, of course. It hadn’t even crossed his mind to be upset with him. 

“You know that I love you, right?” Awsten asked at dinner a few days after his relapse, seemingly out of the blue. The question may have been sweet in other contexts, but his voice was timid and genuinely questioning. Geoff and Otto glanced at each other, confused and a bit concerned, before Geoff responded. 

“Yeah, of course we do,” he said. There was a pause as Otto nodded. “Why do you ask?” he added after a moment. Awsten shrugged and looked down. 

“I dunno, I just… I know that I’m not always such a good boyfriend.” he explained haltingly. “And yes, I know that it isn’t my fault,” he continued hastily as both of his partners opened their mouths in protest. “But that doesn’t mean that it’s not hard on you guys. I’m just… I’m sorry that I don’t do more things for you, and that I’ve fucked up your skin so many times. And I know that I’m not always the best at expressing how much I appreciate you, but I really really do. I’m just bad with words. I love you two so much.” Awsten’s face was red with guilt and tears were welling up in his eyes by the time he was finished. Neither of the others said anything at first, but Otto scooted his chair next to Awsten’s to rest his head on his shoulder. 

“You’re right that it hasn’t been easy,” he eventually admitted. Awsten stiffened beside him. “But not because we were upset with you, or had any doubts about you. We were just so scared for so long. Sure, it’s been a bit of an inconvenience to have self harm scars and marks that are clearly from some form of abuse, but it’s never been ‘how could he do this to us.’ It’s always just been fear for your safety and wellbeing. We know that you don’t want to do this to us, and that you’re just hurting too much to think of a better way to get it all out. And as for the communication stuff, we always know what you mean and what you’re trying to say, even though you’re quiet. It’s not your fault that your communication skills aren’t the best. It’s hard to verbally express yourself, even when you DON’T have the amount of trauma that you do.” Awsten had relaxed as Otto spoke, allowing his head to fall gently onto Otto’s, but there were still occasional sniffles coming from him. “I’ll bet that you can even ask Dr. Hand to help you work on communication skills, if you wanted.” Awsten nodded a little. 

“And Awsten?” Geoff jumped in. “If it makes you feel any better, I’ve never really had any doubts that you love me. Like Otto said, you have your own ways of telling us, and I always understand. And besides, I can just feel it. Like, in my soul.” Awsten sniffed and nodded again, and the trio lapsed into a comfortable silence. At least, until Otto broke it, setting down his fork. 

“Aws? Are you alright?” The younger boy shifted almost imperceptibly. 

“Yeah,” he mumbled shortly. Otto hesitated. 

“Do you… Ah. Want something different to eat?” He glanced worriedly up from Awsten’s untouched plate to make eye contact with Geoff, who had stopped eating as well once he noticed what was going on. Awsten took his head off of Otto’s and brought his knees up to his chest. 

“Can I have an apple?” he asked quietly. 

“Babe…” Geoff responded. “You need to eat more than an apple for dinner.”

“But I’m not hungry.”

“We have to stick to your meal plan, remember? We want you to get better?” Geoff pressured gently. 

“I SAID I’m not hungry,” Awsten said, a little more defensively this time. Geoff and Otto exchanged another look. When Otto’s moms had told them about what helping take care of Awsten would entail, they’d been warned about this. How people with eating disorders could start to resist or lash out if asked to eat when they didn’t want to. But they’d never actually experienced it before. Awsten had been doing super well in terms of keeping himself nourished, especially considering that he hadn’t known a healthy diet since he was a little kid. According to Bethany and Lisa, they were supposed to do whatever they could do to get him to eat, and then do their best to take his mind off of the food until he was done. They’d been warned that the bad days would be difficult, but they didn’t care at the time. And they still didn’t; they were just realizing what that really meant. 

“There’s some leftover soup in the fridge, do you want some of tha-”

“I said NO!” Awsten yelled, standing up abruptly and storming upstairs. Geoff and Otto sat in stunned silence for a few moments. The conversation had taken such a sharp turn, and they’d never heard Awsten raise his voice before. 

“Fuck,” Geoff breathed. Otto nodded in agreement. “D-do we give him a second, or do we go up and check on him?”

“I think that we should give him a moment. I mean, we still need to make sure that he gets dinner, but he might be easier to work with if he has time to cool down a bit,” Otto replied after a second of consideration. 

“Yeah, okay.” The two sat there, thinking about what happened, until they both jerked up at the same time, moving as if shocked. “Did you-?”

“Yeah. Shit.” They took off towards Otto and Awsten’s room, socked feet sliding a little on the hardwood stairs. Otto got there first and didn’t bother knocking before wrenching the door open.

“I know, I know, it’s okay,” Awsten began before they were even all of the way into the room. “I didn’t do anything, I was just stomping around and hit my arm on the desk, I’m sorry.” Sure enough, he was standing in the middle of the room, rubbing at his wrist. He looked genuinely apologetic for making them worry, but there was still that new, defiant expression layered beneath. If you looked hard enough, you would have been able to see fear and shame lurking even beneath that. 

Geoff and Otto both relaxed once they realized that their boyfriend was not, in fact, intentionally hurting himself, just accidentally bumped against something. 

“Can I see?” Otto said. When Awsten turned to him with a scowl, he was quick to clarify what he meant. “Not that I don’t believe you! I just want to see if I should get you ice or anything.” Awsten considered for a moment, before nodding and letting him walk over to him. Otto inspected his arm for a few moments before letting it drop, nodding in approval. “You’ll be okay,” he declared. He grabbed Awsten’s hand and pulled the reluctant boy towards the bed, sitting down and wordlessly inviting both of his boyfriends to join him. 

“I’m sorry,” Awsten mumbled as he gingerly sat down. He tried to pull his hand from Otto’s as he attempted to curl in on himself again, but the older didn’t let go. “I just… I can’t. I’ll eat breakfast, just. Please. Let me skip dinner, just once,” he begged pathetically, voice cracking. Geoff and Otto made momentary eye contact, frowning. 

“Awsten…” Geoff said, sitting cross legged on the floor in front of the other two. “What’s going on?” Awsten didn’t respond, just shook his head and blinked hard, fighting back tears. “Are you still stressed out because of therapy the other day?” he prompted again. The youngest hesitated before shaking his head again slightly, refusing to look up from his hands. His chin wobbled. 

“I’m scared that I’m being a burden, and about what’s gonna happen when my dad finds me, and that he’s gonna hurt you guys,” he confessed, eyes finally flooding over. “I don’t know why, but whenever I get stressed out I just want to stop eating. I know that I should, and that if I want to keep recovering I need to, but it’s just so HARD. Being hungry makes me feel all… warm, almost. And safe. Like a hug, sort of, but… emptier. That doesn’t make any sense, I’m sorry, just PLEASE can I not eat tonight?”

“You gotta eat, sunflower,” Geoff said softly, frowning apologetically. “It can be something light, but it has to be a full meal.” Awsten shrank in on himself at the words, trying to muffle a sob. “But we can do something else while you eat. You said that being hungry feels like a hug, right? What if we all cuddled and watched The Office while you ate something?” he continued. Awsten looked like he was going to protest, but his posture deflated and he just shrugged. 

“I can try, I guess,” he volunteered miserably. His partners flashed each other a quick smile before Geoff stood to join Otto in giving Awsten a quick embrace. 

“We know that you love us. We love you too, and you could never be a burden,” Geoff murmured before pulling away. Awsten blushed and didn’t look up from his lap, but allowed his boyfriends to grab his hands and pull him up. 

“Do you want to try the soup, or something else? I could make you a sandwich if you wanted,” Otto asked as they walked back towards the kitchen.

“Soup,” Awsten replied, trying to keep his voice steady. 

Awsten felt shitty that it took so much effort just to fulfill a VERY basic human function. It shouldn’t be scary to eat a meal. But it was, sometimes. But it was easier to be brave when he was surrounded by love and understanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE leave a comment if you liked it!! i welcome constructive feedback, or just a quick note on what you liked! comments keep me going! love you!


	26. I promise you will be fine (if you start floating away)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suprise! i finished early and have no patience so y'all get an early update! i'm pretty proud of this chapter, so i hope that you guys enjoy it!
> 
> chapter title from Ground Control by All Time Low
> 
> warnings for this chapter:  
-implications of child abuse

On Wednesday, Lisa woke Awsten and Otto up before their alarm. The two were groggy and disoriented as they took in her furrowed brow and tight lips, and Awsten felt a flood of cortisol that roused him better than any amount of caffeine (which he wasn’t allowed to drink anymore, on account of its appetite suppressant and heart-slowing properties).

“Awsten, can I talk with you?” she asked in a quiet-yet-strained voice. Awsten rubbed his eyes of sleep as he nodded warily, sitting up. “It’s not great news, do you want Otto to come with or go back to sleep until it’s time for school?” Awsten pondered for a moment. On the one hand, Otto made him feel calm and safe. On the other, if the news directly involved him, he might want to know before anyone else so that he could control the terms of if/how they found out. He turned to his boyfriend. 

“Go back to sleep,” he said to the tired boy. “I’ll tell you what’s going on later.” 

“Y’ sure?” Otto mumbled. He collapsed back into the pillow when Awsten nodded firmly, eyes already shutting. Awsten smiled a little at how cute he was, before he remembered why he was awake right then in the first place. He turned back to Lisa to find her gazing at her son with a similar fond expression that hardened again when she looked back at him. 

“Let’s go downstairs,” she suggested. Awsten nodded and swung his legs out of the bed, standing up slowly to avoid a head rush. 

“What’s going on?” he asked nervously as soon as they were out in the hallway. Lisa sighed and gathered herself for a moment before responding as they walked.

“I think that this is going to seem really scary to you, but I promise that it’s going to be okay. No one’s going to get hurt, I’m positive. We’re here to help you, and we know how to keep ourselves safe,” she prefaced. They sat down on the L-shaped downstairs couch, and Awsten immediately pulled himself into a ball, becoming more anxious by the second. “You know how we said that we could deal with the situation with your father on your terms?” she continued. Awsten felt cold fear wash over him at the mention of his dad, and froze up for a moment before nodding slightly. “Beth and I would like to speed that timeline up a little bit,” she said carefully, scrutinizing him as she spoke, searching for any signs of major distress. 

“Why?” Awsten ventured in a small voice, fearing the very worst. 

“As I said, it’s not as big of a deal as it’s going to seem in your brain. Henry left Beth a voicemail last night. We think that he found us through the school. He didn’t threaten us at all, but he basically told us that he’ll sue if we don’t give you and Gracie back.” Awsten began to shake slightly, tears filling his eyes. “We’re not going to let you two go back there, of course,” she rushed to reassure. “And it’s not a lawsuit that he could win, anyways. If anything, it would end in charges against HIM, and I think that he knows that. There’s enough evidence against him as a guardian and for him as an abusive parent, plus possible testimonials from at least nine different people, that he’d never get a court order to take you. That much I can swear to you.” Awsten calmed down a little as she spoke, but not much. 

“Wh… what’s gonna happen?” he asked timidly. 

“We were thinking of reporting him and requesting a restraining order,” she said gently. “It might take a little while, and they’ll probably ask you to give testimony in court. You might have to see him, but you don’t have to interact with him. We’ll all be with you, and we’ll help you if we need to.”

“... and then he won’t be allowed to come near me and Gracie?”

“If everything goes well, he may even end up in prison,” she confirmed. “But even if he doesn’t, yes. If he tries to contact you in any way we’ll be able to call the police and there will be legal consequences.” She paused. “Is this all okay with you?” Awsten took a shaky breath. 

“Yeah,” he mumbled after a moment’s consideration. “I just… are you sure that he can’t hurt you guys? Or Gracie?”

“Positive.” She leaned forward to squeeze his knee comfortingly. “Thank you for doing this, I know that it can’t be easy to be forced into this if you’re not ready. You’re the only person besides Beth and I. We thought that you should be the first to know. Would you prefer to tell Gracie about what’s going on, or would you like one of us to? It’s totally fine if you want us to, but if you wanted her to hear it from you we thought that we’d give you that option.” Awsten took a second to think again. 

“I’ll tell her,” he decided. “I think that she’d take it better if I told her. Sorry,” he said quietly. 

“That’s perfectly fine, you have nothing to apologize for. When do you think that you’ll tell her?”

“I don’t know, Friday afternoon?” he offered. “I don’t want to fuck up the rest of her school week. Ever since she moved in she’s been so excited about how much better school has been now that she’s been getting breakfast and not have to bike to school at seven am anymore, and that she doesn’t have to be distracted by knowing that she’s going to go back home at some point.” Awsten saw Lisa’s composure slip for a moment and how saddened she looked and immediately felt bad. He managed to keep himself from apologizing, though, knowing how much she disliked it when he did. 

“That sounds good to me.” She put her calm face back on, forcing a smile. There was a beat of heavy silence. “Do you want to talk about it right now, or go back upstairs?”

“Upstairs,” Awsten said, voice more confident than it had been for the entire conversation, grateful that it was over. Lisa nodded. 

“Also, if you don’t feel like you can be productive at school today, you can stay home. If you do go, you can also leave early if you figure out that you can’t do it,” she told him. “And if you make a good case for Otto to stay home with you, he can, too,” she added, a hint of light humor creeping back into her voice. Awsten gave a small smile. 

“I kinda want to just stay here. And I’ll try my best.” Lisa smiled back before standing up, holding out a hand to help him up. 

“And Awsten?” she called out as he started up the steps. He turned to face her. “If you need anything at all, please just ask someone. You’re a part of our family.” Awsten blinked in surprise. He felt a sudden pressure behind his eyes, and forced out a strangled ‘thank you’ before turning back around so she didn’t see him cry. Lisa seemed to realize his intent, and tactfully walked back to her bedroom. 

Otto had gotten up by the time that Awsten reached his bedroom, standing shirtless in front of his mirror and inspecting his toned torso. Awsten frowned. Otto didn’t seem particularly upset, but in his experience, staring at your body in the mirror meant that you were picking apart your appearance, looking for things to hate. 

“Hey,” he said quietly, clearing his throat a bit. Otto turned around, eyes brightening when he saw his boyfriend. Awsten searched for some sign of distress or self-deprecation in his expression, but relaxed a little when he found none, only concern. 

“Hi,” he responded, walking forwards and delicately placing his hands on Awsten’s slender hips. “What was that all about?” he asked, kissing his forehead softly. The smaller boy leaned gratefully into the touch, wrapping his arms tightly around Otto’s waist. 

“We’re moving forward with taking legal action against my dad,” he mumbled into the top of his chest. He felt him tense for a moment before slowly relaxing again. 

“How do you feel about that?” he eventually asked, clearly doing his best to remain neutral until he knew what Awsten thought about the situation. 

“I dunno,” he answered honestly. “I’m really happy that he won’t be able to take me or Gracie back, and that it’ll be illegal for him to try to contact us.” He paused. “But I’m scared, too. It’s stupid, because I love living here with you so much better than I liked living there. Living there was horrible,” he shuddered. “But… I don’t know. It’s almost like I feel like I’m closing a door behind me, and even though there’s something terrible on the other side of the door, at least it’s familiar. It’s. It’s not that it’s COMFORTING to have the door open, but it almost, like, grounds me, I guess. It’s something that stays the same. And I won’t have that anymore, and I know that I shouldn’t be scared, but I am. It’s stupid, I’m sorry.” The last part came out all in one rush of words. He clung even tighter onto Otto, knowing that he couldn’t hurt him if he tried, but turned his head to the side a bit so that he could breathe better. 

“Aws, that’s not stupid,” Otto said softly. “Of course I don’t know what you’re going through, but that sounds totally reasonable and makes a lot of sense to me. I… I’m sorry that I can’t help more. I really wish that I could make this all go away, or make it so that it never happened in the first place. But I’m here for whatever you need. Geoff, too.” Awsten took a deep, shaky breath, taking comfort in the scent of his neck. 

“Thank you,” he said, finally pulling away after a moment. “I’m, ah, staying home from school today. Your mom said that if we do a good job convincing her, she’ll let you stay with me. I think that she was kind of joking, though, and that she’ll let you stay home if we just ask.” he paused. “Do you think that Geoff could convince his parents to let him skip at least part of the day and come over?” Otto’s eyes brightened at the suggestion. 

“I think so,” he said slowly. “Jess can be a bit of a hardass when it comes to school- don’t worry though, she’s super nice- but Liz is chill and can usually convince her to lighten up a little bit if it’s something important. D’you wanna call him, or should I?” 

“Could you?” Awsten asked, suppressing a yawn. “I don’t know if I can handle a phone call right now, even with Geoff.” 

“Of course,” Otto nodded. “You should lay down, you woke up really early, and that conversation probably wore you out pretty good.” Awsten hummed in agreement. “Good. I’ll call Geoff. Can I tell him a little bit of what’s going on, just so that he can tell his moms? Don’t worry, I’ll be as vague as I can so that I can let you tell him the specifics when you want.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Awsten mumbled, curling up like a cat on top of the covers and letting his eyes drift shut. He didn’t go to sleep; he had a hard time with naps, and always felt kind of shitty afterwards, but he wanted to rest a little. He stopped processing sensory input and thinking coherent thoughts after a few minutes, but Lisa’s words echoed around his head.

‘You’re part of our family.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope that you liked this one! if you did, please leave a comment! i adore every single one, and i reply to all of them! i love you guys! see you next week!


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is mostly filler, I haven't had the best week and i'm trying to wind down this story. the chances of a sequel are high, but i might take a few weeks to a month before i start it after this story ends. 
> 
> no real trigger warnings that i can think of for this chapter, it's really fluffy for the most part. i'm not super pleased with it, but enjoy!

“Well, you see Dr. Hand tomorrow, right?” Geoff asked from where he lay, sprawled out on the floor of Otto and Awsten’s room. “You should probably talk about it with him, he’d probably be able to help with this a lot better then we can.” 

“Yeah, I do,” Awsten sighed. He shifted a little, carefully lifting his boyfriend’s head and scooting forward so that it was in his lap. “I just… I dunno. It still feels weird, talking to him. I know that he just wants to help me. Like, that’s his JOB. But… yeah. I don’t know. But you’re right, I should talk to him about this all.”   
  


“I mean, it makes a ton of sense that you don’t really trust him yet,” Otto piped up from the bed. “You’ve only had one session so far, and if it was anything like MY first therapy session, it was probably mostly just him asking you a bunch of really invasive questions.” Geoff nodded the best that he could while Awsten was playing with his hair. “But you’re still going to tell him, right? If he’s working with your PTSD that’s gonna be really important for him to know about.” Awsten sighed again. 

“Yeah, I guess.” The conversation lulled. Bethany and Lisa had left for work hours ago, taking Gracie with them. Geoff had shown up soon after, bearing LOTS of kisses and a box of six fresh toasted bagels. Awsten had enthusiastically accepted the affection and less-enthusiastically accepted the food, but managed an entire bagel with cream cheese over the course of an hour and a half, despite already having eaten breakfast. 

Otto opened his mouth, presumably to say something else about the upcoming lawsuit, but Awsten cut him off. 

“Otto, I love you SO much, but can we please be done talking about this? Alright, I’ll talk to Lucas about it, now can we just make out or something?” 

Otto’s eyes flashed, but Geoff cut in before he could respond. 

“Are you sure, Aws? If you need to talk then we should talk, I don’t want you bottling this u-” Awsten huffed in exasperation. “Wha-?” Geoff mumbled in bewilderment as Awsten disentangled his legs from each other and let his head fall to the carpet. The confusion on his face flashed from confusion to understanding to surprise as Awsten crawled a few feet so he could swing a leg over Geoff’s hips, straddling him. He leaned in so that their faces were less than an inch apart, lips just-barely not brushing. 

“Can I kiss you?” he murmured lowly. Geoff answered by tilting his chin up, closing his eyes and connecting their mouths. Awsten hummed in satisfaction, reaching up to tangle his fingers in his hair again. Their lips moved together in tandem, locking together like pieces of the same puzzle. Geoff placed his hands on Awsten’s hips, letting his fingertips graze the pale skin above his waistband. The youngest boy startled a bit when he felt a touch on the small of his back. He pulled back a few inches. “Hi, Otto,” he smirked, maintaining eye contact with Geoff as he acknowledged the other. 

“Hey,” Otto said softly, trailing his hand slowly up Awsten’s back. He shivered when his fingernails reached the spot between his prominent shoulder blades, and reconnected his lips hungrily with his boyfriend’s. He groaned slightly into Geoff’s mouth as he felt Otto start placing open mouthed kisses on the back of his neck, and gripped his hair tighter. The fingers on his waist pressed a bit harder, and Awsten relished in the pressure. After a few minutes of their tongues sliding passionately over each other, Geoff pushed lightly against Awsten’s chest, signaling him to move. 

Awsten was a little worried that he’d done something wrong as he straightened up and scrambled off of his boyfriend, but Geoff didn’t seem upset or uncomfortable as he sat up. 

“You’re fine, sunflower,” he reassured. “That was really good. I just missed Otto, is that alright?” He relaxed, relieved that he hadn’t accidentally pushed his boyfriend too far somehow. 

“Yeah, go for it,” he said, slightly out of breath. Geoff smiled before pulling their partner onto his lap, gazing at him with an unbelievably sappy expression. Awsten felt himself melt as he watched them whisper a few words that he couldn’t quite hear and then close the gap between them, both smiling into the kiss. It was gentler than what he and Geoff had been doing, but clearly just as full of feeling and passion. A teensy, selfish part of Awsten wished that he was still being kissed at that moment, but the vast majority of him was more than content to just watch (in the least creepy, most non-voyeuristic way possible). When Otto pulled away, his cheeks were flushed pink and he was still grinning. 

“You’re beautiful,” Awsten heard him softly tell Geoff. His heart almost burst out of his chest. 

“No, YOU’RE beautiful,” Geoff responded without missing a beat. 

“Awsten, tell Geoff that he’s beautiful,” Otto said, turning his head to face him, expression playful. 

“You’re both beautiful,” Awsten replied earnestly. They really were both beautiful. Even if no one else thought that they were, HE certainly did. Otto rolled his eyes jokingly. 

“Ugh, fine,” he huffed. “And, for the record, you’re absolutely gorgeous.” Awsten felt his face go bright red. “We’re all beautiful, I guess.”

“I guess we are,” Geoff smirked. He looked over at him. “You’re beautiful, sunflower.” The youngest didn’t know how to respond, just opened and closed his mouth like a fish, shaking his head slightly as his cheeks grew darker. 

“Don’t try to deny it, we all know the truth,” Otto said in response to his incredulity. “I’m really sorry to have to put this whole thing on pause, because I’m having a very good time right now, but I promised my mom that we’d clean the living room if I stayed home. And people are gonna get back in a little under two hours, and I think that we should just get this done before we forget.” He went to stand up, but misjudged where he was in relation to the room, hitting the crown of his head against the edge of his desk. “Ah! Fuck!” he cried out as a pencil cup fell over, raining down writing implements and a small trans pride flag over his head. 

“Shit, are you okay?” Geoff asked, alarmed, as he rose to his knees in search of a way to help. Awsten shared the sentiment, but was getting over the mini heart attack that he’d had at the sudden crash and shout. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Otto groaned, rubbing his head. “Hurt like a bitch, but there’s no way that I’m concussed or anything.” Geoff got to his feet and held out a hand to help Otto up, a grin spreading slowly across his face now that he knew that his boyfriend wasn’t actually injured. Otto waved the hand off. “I gotta pick this shit up.” Geoff nodded and spun a little to face Awsten, offering his help to the smaller boy instead, who took it gratefully. He planted a soft thank-you kiss on Geoff’s jaw after he got to his feet. 

“You want some help with that?” he asked, glancing down at Otto, who was by their feet on his hands and knees, clutching fistfulls of pens and pencils. 

“Nah, it’s fine. I’m pretty much done anyways,” he said, dropping the last few items into the cup with a clatter. He stood, placing it back on the desk (further from the edge, this time) and adjusting the angle of the flag a little bit. “Alright, let’s go!”

There was relatively little work to do in the living room, and the boys chattered as they straightened pillows and put books back on shelves. 

“...So then I just flat-out told her that no, I’m not going to go on the overnight trip if she doesn’t let me sleep in the boys’ cabin. Of course, that- wait.” Otto cut himself off in the middle of recounting a story about he and Geoff’s eighth grade end-of-year trip. “Didn’t you guys have your semester finals for art due today?” Geoff and Awsten both look up from their tasks, meeting each other's eyes as panic sparked between them. 

“Fuck,” Geoff muttered. 

“Um, yeah. We did,” Awsten confirmed quietly. The three stood in silence for a few moments, all three trying to think of a way to get around the fact that sixth period had already started and neither of them were there to turn in their projects. Awsten broke the quiet with a small snort, causing the other two to look over at him. 

“What??” Geoff demanded, seeing the grin spreading over his boyfriend’s face. “What is it?”

“I dunno,” Awsten said, shaking his head and holding back laughter. “It’s just… I think that was the first time that I’ve ever seen all three of us freaking out about something all at the exact same time, and it was about something so comparatively stupid. I don’t know, It’s weird. I’m not sure why I think that that’s so funny.” Otto snickered beside him. 

“Oh my god, you’re right,” he laughed openly. Even Geoff, who still looked a little stressed over the project and confused about what was going on, began to smile a bit. “We’re sure great at priorities, huh?”

After a few moments, Awsten was nearly doubled over laughing and Geoff had dropped the anxious face altogether. The youngest had been right. Even though they’d need to talk to Mikey about their projects, they’d faced much, much worse and held it all together just fine. What was the point of stressing too much over the inconsequential? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave a comment telling me what you thought! ly! see you next chapter!


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh!! only two more chapters left until the end!!
> 
> I've made the official decision that I am, in fact, going to write a sequal. I'm not sure what the title is going to be yet, but it'll be posted to this account within a few weeks to a month or so after NBA ends. So look out for that. 
> 
> Trigger warnings for this chapter are talk of self harm and abuse in a theraputic setting. enjoy!

Awsten was perched on the couch in Lucas’ waiting room, leg bouncing nervously as he waited for him to wrap up his previous session and call him in for his own. Bethany had just dropped him off this time. She’d offered to come in, but Awsten had wanted a few minutes alone to prepare himself for whatever was going to happen in the office. Otto had assured him that, at least in his experience, the second session wasn’t nearly as bad as the first one, but Awsten was still apprehensive. Even if he didn’t have to rehash his entire tragic backstory all at once, he knew that he was still going to have to tell Lucas about the relapse and the lawsuit, and he wasn’t expecting either of them to be a fun time to talk about. 

The door connecting the waiting area and the office opened, ripping Awsten out of his own head. The same person that he’d seen last week emerged, the therapist close behind her. 

“Good work today. Remember that I’m going to be out next week, so I’ll see you on the twenty first,” he said. The girl nodded in confirmation, starting towards the door leading out to the hallway. “Be well!” Lucas called after her, before turning to the boy on the sofa. “Hey, Awsten. You can head in, I’ll be right there,” he said with a smile, walking over to a door that Awsten had assumed was a closet, and disappearing into whatever room was beyond it. Awsten nodded, even though there was no one else left in the room, and stood up. 

The room was exactly how he had remembered it (although he wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting), and he sat gingerly in the same seat he had last time, pulling a throw pillow against his stomach as a comfort. He pulled out his phone as he waited for Lucas to return, checking idley for messages before pulling up a mindless phone game. 

He clicked off his phone without even bothering to pause his game of Subway Surfers when Lucas came in, straightening up anxiously. He was met with a reassuring grin as the older man sat down on his chair and flipped open his notebook, pulling the pen from behind his ear. 

“Hey Awsten,” he repeated the phrase from the waiting room. “I’m glad to see you again. How’re you doing?”

“Um, I’m okay, I guess,” he muttered with a shrug. “Kind of nervous,” he added after a pause. Lucas nodded in understanding. 

“That’s super fair. Is there anything that I can do to help you feel a bit safer here? I have tea.” Awsten shook his head, internally appalled at the mere idea of asking for anything not absolutely necessary. “Alright, at least let me show you this,” he said, getting up and walking towards the small table to Awsten’s left. He pulled open the drawer in the front and pulled out a box almost as large as the drawer itself, setting it on the tabletop. Awsten watched curiously as he opened it. His eyes widened a little. 

The box was full of the biggest array of stim tools that he’d ever seen; probably even more than were in Mikey’s office. There was a small, slinky-like ring towards the top of the pile that caught his eye almost instantly, and he found himself reaching for it before he even thought about it. He yanked his hand back when he saw it snaking out in front of him, feeling his cheeks redden. 

“No, no, go ahead and take whatever you want,” Lucas reassured. “I have them so that people can use them.” Awsten hesitantly grabbed the ring as the therapist went back to his chair, sitting down. “So, if you’re ready to start, I had a few things that I had planned for our session today. First, though, if there’s anything that happened this week that you want or need to talk about, let’s start with that.” Awsten tensed, his hands stilling from how they’d been rolling the ring up and down his pointer finger. This was it. 

“Um, a couple things happened, actually,” he said quietly. “Two. My, uh, soulmates said that I should talk to you about them.” Lucas nodded. 

“Alright, cool. What’s the first thing?” he prompted. Awsten took a deep breath. 

“Um. I dunno how important it is, but, uh, last week after our session I was kind of. Flustered, I guess? Triggered, maybe-? I don’t know if I’m using that word correctly, I’m sorry- And I, um, did something kinda dumb?” He glanced up at Lucas, gauging his reaction. He was slightly encouraged when he was met with an attentive, neutral expression. “I kind of. Um. Couldn’t get all of the stuff that I talked about out of my head, and I sort of. Cut again? It was the first time in a while, and I tried to stop myself, I really did. I don’t know why I couldn’t, because I really didn’t want to. It was like I just got… possessed by something that really, really wanted me to hurt myself, and I couldn’t help it. I’m sorry.”

“That sounds really upsetting. I’m very sorry that that happened to you,” Lucas said after he was sure that he was done talking. Awsten looked up again, surprised by the response. He guessed that he hadn’t really logically thought that Lucas would be MAD, but he definitely expected to be reprimanded or blamed. But it seemed like he actually got it and knew that he hadn’t meant to. 

“Um, yeah. It… wasn’t great. Thank you.” he said, still thrown for a loop. 

“We’re going to start working on cultivating healthy, effective coping skills soon,” Lucas promised. “I want you to know that I’ll never be upset with you for engaging in a target behavior, even after you start learning substitutes. You’ve developed certain things like self harm, food restriction and self isolation as mechanisms to deal with your trauma. The reason that you get the urge to engage in them is that they WORK. They help you get away from what’s hurting you.” Awsten mulled over what Lucas said, noting how similar it was to what Otto had told him. 

“But… they’re BAD. I shouldn’t be doing those things anymore,” Awsten said slowly, trying to wrap his mind around the idea that, according to Lucas, it was okay that he’d relapsed. 

“I should rephrase, I apologize. When I said that they work, what I meant is that they solve the immediate problem- which, in this case, was painful emotions caused by having to think about traumatic experiences- not that they’re ‘good.’ I don’t even like using the words ‘good’ or ‘bad’ when it comes to mechanisms and behaviors. It’s not that black and white. I prefer thinking of things as healthy versus unhealthy, and effective versus ineffective.

“The thing about, say, self harm, is that it’s effective but it’s also unhealthy. Where we want you to be eventually, is using coping skills that are both effective and healthy. But until you learn those healthy, effective skills, it’s completely natural to use the unhealthy, effective skills, because those are the only tools that you have to work with. Does that make sense?” There was a long pause. It DID make sense to Awsten. What Lucas was saying was perfectly rational and logical. But what he’d done had still broken his promise to himself and had made Geoff and Otto upset. 

“Yeah, it does,” Awsten admitted. “I just… I still feel really bad about it. No one likes it when I cut, but I did anyway.” 

“It makes perfect sense that you feel guilty,” Lucas validated. “I’d like to recommend a thinking tool to help you not feel as much shame around relapse, if you’re willing to try it.” He looked questioningly at Awsten, who nodded. “Thank you. Now, it’s a simple gratitude exercise, but it’s not always easy, so try not to beat yourself up if you have a difficult time with it. It may sound strange or counterproductive, but I’d like you to try writing a thank you letter to your self harm. It doesn’t need to be long, but take a few minutes out of this coming week to sit down and try to feel some gratitude for how it’s helped you. It seems like self harm has given you a way to hold yourself together and keep going through some pretty difficult times. Even though it’s unhealthy and ultimately harmful, it’s also provided you with respite and strength. You could write about specific times that it helped you, or just overall. Does that sound like something that you can do?” Awsten nodded. 

“I guess so,” he said quietly. “Can, um. Can you explain how that’s going to help me stop, though?”

“Yeah, that’s a really good question. Thank you for asking. This exercise won’t directly work on eliminating self harm. What it WILL do is, first off, help you internally separate yourself from the behavior. Your addiction isn’t a part of you, and talking to it like it’s another person can be really helpful. Second, it can help your brain sort of normalize it and make you feel less guilty. From there, we can work distancing yourself from it. Does that make sense?” Awsten nodded. He’d rather be able to just stop cutting, but it seemed like that wasn’t really how it worked. “Good. Now, do you want to talk about the second thing?”

“Um, okay. I told you all of the stuff about my dad last week, but since then some stuff has gone down. He kinda, uh, tried to call Otto’s moms and ask for me and Gracie back?” Awsten explained. Lucas’ expression shifted from neutral to concerned as he uncrossed his legs, grabbing his pen and quickly jotting something down in his notebook. 

“Are you both still safe?” he asked immediately. 

“Yeah. Lisa and Bethany say that they aren’t going to let us go back. They. They want to move forward with getting a restraining order and pressing charges, though.” Awsten lapsed into an uncomfortable silence as Lucas finished writing. 

“I’m very glad that you’re not going back into that situation,” he finally said. “Your tone made it sound like you have some strong feelings about legal action being taken against him, though. Can you please tell me about that?” 

Awsten shakily relayed pretty much the same thing that he had told Otto, Lucas nodding empathetically and scribbling quick notes the entire time. By the time he was done he could feel his entire body trembling almost imperceptibly, although he wasn’t quite sure why. Lucas closed his notebook. 

“Thank you so much for talking to me about all of this, Awsten. I know that you’ve barely met me and that these are really hard topics for you, and I really appreciate how much courage you’re showing. I want you to know that everything that you described is perfectly normal. Major change is always hard, even when it’s for the better. And victims of abuse crave stability even more than others. We are, unfortunately, out of time. If you want to keep processing this next time, we absolutely can, and if you need to talk about anything before our next session, you can always call or text me. 

“If you feel like you might relapse again, please reach out to me. I’ll do my best to walk you through some alternative coping methods that might help. But if you do end up engaging in a target, remember that it’s not the end of the world. Okay?” Lucas said. 

“Yeah. I mean, okay,” Awsten replied awkwardly.

“Good. Now, you might have heard me telling my previous patient, but I’m going to be out of office for a few days next week. Is it okay with you if we miss a session? Remember, I’ll still be available digitally.”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Alrighty, then!” Lucas chirped, standing up. “When I get back, I want to start talking about getting you started on some medication to help you manage things. We can also talk about diagnoses. Cool?” Awsten nodded. His chest felt lighter than it had when he first walked into the office, in a way that it hadn’t last time. 

“Cool.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope that you liked this one! it was... interesting to write, just because it was so therapy-dense. please leave a comment if you did like it, i greatly appreciate and respond to every comment i get!
> 
> love you guys! see you next week!


	29. A note (still not discontinuing)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is just to fill in the folks that don't follow the fic's tumblr blog.
> 
> I know that I haven't updated in a LONG time. I'm still getting new readers, and I'm very thankful. I'm not super proud of this work anymore, but I'm going to leave it up and finish it because other people have expressed that they enjoy it a lot, and getting favorite fics taken down is always really sad. I might orphan it after I'm done (maybe), but I won't take it down.
> 
> That being said, quarantine is still fucking with me really hard, I had to go back to the hospital a little while ago, and classes have started (obviously), and basically what I'm trying to say is mental illness off the shits. 
> 
> My motivation for writing has been decent, but the creative energy and mental stamina... have not been decent. 
> 
> I will be picking this work back up again, but I can't at this particular moment. I want to thank you all so much, I still read and adore every comment, and those of y'all who have been around since the beginning have stuck around for over a YEAR and that's fucking crazy. 
> 
> I'm sorry that I can't be an active writer right now. I tried to write chapter 29 recently and I got about two paragraphs in and had a mental breakdown. 
> 
> There's a chance that I might publish smaller related or independent fics before I finish NBA, just because smaller fics take less out of me. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for how supportive you've all been, and I hope that I can be back with an update soon.

I'm now declaring this an official hiatus because if I don't specify that I intend to come back people are going to think that this is abandoned and that would be very sad because it's not.


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